my right to rituals

it's no secret that i'm obsessed with reality shows.  but my love for them moves beyond survivor and the amazing race.  i can watch shows like Obsessed and Intervention for hours on end if allowed to do so.  i guess partly because i can relate on some level and also because i support the fact that people are speaking out about addiction and panic disorder and OCD.  its important for people to see what it's really like because a lot of times we feel misunderstood or scared to talk about it. 

something that is very prominent with people that have OCD or anxiety is rituals.  rituals offer a sense of comfort to a person.  we feel a doom or gloom outcome is upon us and rituals, in our minds, help ward off that fear.  when my anxiety got really bad, i became obsessive about accidentally setting my house on fire.  i would check the stove, microwave, outlets, hair dryers - anything - for what felt like hours.  i couldn't leave the house without knowing that i had sufficiently checked each plug and appliance at least 50 times.  sometimes i would even write down that i checked everything or i would snap a pic of my stove with my cell so i could refer back to it if i became concerned that i hadn't checked the stove well enough.  my husband even made me checklists to try and help.  nothing worked.  it was because the rituals of obsesssive checking helped alleviate the anxiety of "setting my house on fire" or what it really was... the fear of messing something up or leaving something unchecked and unattended or forgotten.

so i got to thinking... what if we became just as passionate about healthy rituals?  with my stomach being a big issue for me -it's always the first thing affected by stress- i am obsessive about eating things that work well for me.  here's some more i've recently brought into my life:
* meditating to calm my busy, hectic mind
* journaling to help keep my ideas organized and not stuck occupying my head all night
* working out daily in some way, shape or form in order to get out excess energy that could potentially build into anxiety
* green tea sipping to help keep healthy antioxidants in my body
* nightly power walks with my husband and pup - we catch up this way rather than while being half absorbed in a TV show or worse yet, working through the night
* time to tune out- i go in my bedroom, turn on my music and just chill with no phone, email, facebook or twitter

so not all rituals need to be negative or unhealthy.  let's bring some into our lives that help make  us feel better and be better everyday.

happy weekend

my weekend has been off to a great start despite a rough week.  for some reason, my anxiety has been coming on pretty strong.  i know i've been dealing with a lot, so my goal is to take one thing at a time.  no sense worrying over everything because i don't have control over everything.  i can only do what's in my power.  in order to help myself along a bit, i'm amped up my workouts...

sweat much!

i kind of went a little nuts in my spin class tuesday night!

i've been doing more yoga at home... deep stretching and restorative, because restorative seems to be floating my boat a lot lately.  i've been finding lots of comfort in checking in with my thoughts and feelings and practicing just sitting with them.  i've also, as per a patricia moreno challenge, taken up a daily meditation.

the verdict?  i'm LOVING it!

its very powerful to sit with yourself and just listen.

and its especially amazing when i'm feeling anxious because the first reaction to that is always "ah! get rid of it!" haha. 

so i'm going to offer you the same challenge.

the next time you feel anxious, sit and close your eyes. rest your attention on your breath and just listen and tune into what's going on inside you.  don't run from your feelings or judge them.  you may be amazed at what you learn. 

i know i've been!  and when i do this, i'm not exerting energy trying to 'fight' the feelings.  i find they go away in like 90 seconds max!  fighting our anxieties and stresses actually brings 'em on stronger and it becomes a painful mental battle. 

so i am happy to say that i've been feeling pretty good since yesterday.  i had a heart to heart with one of my girlfriends about something that has been on my mind and causing me immense stress and she was so amazing about understanding.  i've been meditating and yoga -ing and working out like nobody's business!  i'm taking everything that's in my control and making it work for me and leaving the rest up to fate. 

on another note:

i ordered some things from iherb.com the other day and am in loooooove!  sun warrior protein powder is raw/vegan and i'm digging the chocolate.  it's given me a lot more energy than other proteins i've tried and i notice a difference.  its also a lot more filling.  i also have been taking probiotics.  i had lots of debate over this but everyone that took them swore by the power of them in helping keep a healthy tummy and regulating digestion.  something that keeps my stomach feeling great?  hell yeah!  they are going very well so far and i haven't been taking enough to know how the impact is long term, but i'll report back in a few days. 

have a fabulous weekend loves! 

testing 1, 2, 3

i was tested yesterday.  and it was unlike any pop quiz or final exam i've ever taken.  it was harder.  it was one i couldn't prep for.  and it was one i had to face.  and it made me very anxious.

my dinner friday night didn't sit too well with me and i woke up with horrible stomach pains and felt terrible.  enter: panic thoughts.  anytime my stomach shows the slightest bit of queasiness, i head for the hills (i.e. my bed).  i hate stomach aches more than anything else because it always puts me right back into panic mode remembering how i used to suffer with them daily and cause myself to get so upset i'd have a panic attack.

and when that's what we're used to, it's easy to fall victim to that train of thought. 

so even now, two years later (completely panic attack free!), i still remember that feeling.  i remember the fear of having to drive to work and sit at my desk all day feeling ill.  i remember pushing myself through my days and hoping to just make it through hour by hour.  and i remember being scared to death about having a panic attack in front of co-workers or my boss or while driving home... i still shudder just thinking about it.

so yesterday i was definitely tested.  i was legitimately sick, but it still made me wonder if it was just anxiety.  it was hard to de-tach the idea of being sick without the anxiety making me sick.  i took a stomach soother and drank some water and began to feel a little better.  what made me extra nervous though was that my day was jam packed.  literally, from beginning to end.  and i was already up at 5:30am feeling gross. 

how was i going to get through this day?  thoughts of cancelling everything crossed my mind.  but i didn't want to bail on my classes.  i had a lunch date with a girlfriend i had been looking forward to for days and i had some mini-errands that absolutely had to get done before heading out to another friend's apartment much later that night.  eek!  i was positively pale at the thought of it all. because when you feel sick or anxious, the last thing you wanna do is go out all day, right?  but i knew i had to do it.  and i wanted to.  i was sick.  and that was it.  and i was determined to take it one thing at a time and see how i felt.  i immediately realized my mind was racing 100 miles an hour, all with bad thoughts about getting sick in front of my class, or bailing last minute on my friend, or being miserable at my friend's place....

so i put up a big 'ol STOP SIGN on those thoughts.  and i powered through my day. 

and i had no problems. 

yes, i was a little icky feeling, but was it the monumental crisis i made it out to be? no.
did i realize immediately that my mind was going crazy with "what ifs?" yes.
and did i take every measure to stop it and refuse to give in to an anxious feeling? hell yes!

so i'm glad to say i passed my test.  i did every single thing i wanted to yesterday and put the "scary thoughts" way behind me.  i'm feeling sooo much better today and i knew i would, because it's a new day and i can choose how to face it.  and if i still felt kind of sick, then i'd cross that bridge when i got to it.  i wasn't going to do what i used to do way back when and pre-cancel everything because there was a mere chance i wouldn't be feeling well. 

i can face blood, guts and gore... but a stomach ache is my kryptonite - and i beat it!

we'll always be tested and we'll always face things we don't want to, but we have to know we can do it!  even if it is a little scary.  we are stronger than we think!!

almost the (long) weekend!

happy friday!  do you have a long weekend coming up?  my gym and studio are closed monday so i'm off, baby, yeah!  super excited!  i love my job, but days off are pretty fun too!

yesterday was my birthday and i celebrated by teaching all day.  literally, i was teaching since 7am! my students in my last class suprised me with wonderful gifts (one being a big bottle of kombucha!) and it really made my day.  like i said, i love my job!  and my classes and students are the best!

afterwards i went out to dinner with the hubby and enjoyed a martini. 

this weekend is also jam packed, but i'm hoping to fit in some reading because one of the books i ordered arrived!  it looks pretty cool, and i'm kinda a book geek, so it'll be nice to just curl up in bed and read until i lose track of time. 

how is your memorial day weekend looking?  anyone have time off or do you have work?  any bbq's going on?  i have one on monday with my parents to celebrate my birthday.  we're bringing our puggle so he can play in the backyard while we hopefully enjoy some nice weather.

anyways, i heard a quote the other day that i thought was totally interesting and wanted to share.  it comes from psychiatrist carl jung and he says something to the effect of "all mental illness is the result of our unwillingness to experience pain."  i'm pretty sure that's the quote, but i didn't write it down. but i think you can get the idea from that.

it immediately got me thinking: could this be true?  could my anxiety have been a result of me refusing to feel emotional sadness or pain for something?  i had anxiety for a long time, but the problem was that i never labeled it as that.  so i would really need to dig deep down and try to pull out memories of where and when it all started exactly to see what i was going through. 

i definitely dealt with my share of stresses when i was younger, so maybe there is something to this idea. 

but when you're going though it, it's hard to believe that all that stress and anxiety is just the result of you not wanting to deal with pain... because going through the anxiety causes pain. 

i'm still wondering about this ... but it's definitely an interesting conclusion.

what do you guys think?

a world without fear and anxiety

could you imagine?

i was recently asked "what would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?"

and this got me thinking - what would anyone do if they couldn't fail?  or if they had no fear?  or if anxiety didn't exist?

about 2 years ago, as my journey was starting, i made a list in a journal of mine of things i'd do if i had no anxiety.  number one on my list was travel.  i think run a race was on there and chase some dreams.  every now and then i refer back to that list.  i'm happy to say that a lot of those things are now happily crossed off. 

and while it may not always be anxiety that holds us back, sometimes something does (whether fear or concern of not being perfect or getting it right). 

so, if you had no fear, no worry about failure and no anxiety - What Would You Do?

me?
1) go surfing
2) a triatholon
3) move to a whole new place with no safety net of a job or friends or family

for each one the concern is different.  surfing makes me anxious because you're just out in the ocean and can get knocked underwater at any moment and huge waves come at you.

a triatholon is on the list because i think i'm concerned about not being able to finish.  not commiting to training hard enough, bailing half way through or just lagging behind everyone and barely making it to the finish. 

and moving, well, that causes some fear of the unknown. 

this list isn't just what i'd do if life were perfect and stress-free.  this list is now one of goals.  and they are powerful goals because each one isn't just something to cross off, it means i overcame something.  all those things have a double meaning and impact for me. 

on new years i made some intentions for myself and i'm going to add these things! 

so?  what does your list look like?

facing our fears

my early morning yoga classes have been going really, really well and i've come to look forward to them each week.  i kind of love waking up so early, before the sun and the hubby, and having my time to get ready and prep class or walk my pup or just relax on the couch with a mug of tea.  this morning, i found that i had 20 extra mins on my hands and i took some time to reflect on how i used to feel so much anxiety in the pre-dawn hours.  i remember when i was first asked to teach these classes and how i spent some time debating. 

would i feel anxious before every single class?

would i always dread those mornings?

would my anxiety become overbearing?

most people would wonder why i said yes!  but i said yes for a very specific reason - i love to teach.  and just because this class was early in the morning wasn't going to scare me away.  i refused to make a decision on the chance that i'd feel some anxiety.  i conquered so much... why stop now?

and i could have said "i'll teach the class after i make sure i don't have any morning anxious feelings."  but that wouldn't work, because i can't overcome something if i don't face it.  it's kind of like what i call the 'monster under the bed' situation.  as little kids, we might be petrified of a monster under our bed, but our parents know its our little kid minds in overdrive.  just like our anxiety.  we tend to feel fear sometimes over things that don't warrant such an intense reaction (like my anxiety over long car rides).  but if we don't face our fears and check out what's under the bed -which is nothing!- we'll never conquer the fear.  we'll never see that the monster that resides in our minds really doesn't exist and is just fueled by our fears. 

but we do need to be prepared.  we wouldn't just leap off the bed and take a look if someone didn't say to us "there's nothing under there, take a look for yourself."  just as you wouldn't run head first to confront something that causes you anxiety if you didn't know how to yet work through your anxiety. 

we always need to take baby steps to confront our anxieties, but we also need to know how to calm our fears and stress before we have the ability to face our fears and ride out our anxiety.  we need to understand what a panic attack is and why it won't hurt us before we feel confident enough to work through one. 

so i'm glad i said yes to teaching these classes because i'm having a blast doing them.  and every class i teach and don't feel that tiny little itch of anxiousness is a success for me.  granted, i've had a lot of practice working through things that make me anxious!  (the list was long!) but even if i did feel intense fear when having to teach this class, what better way to alleviate it than to teach it and see that i can do it! i have the ability to work through my feelings, face my fears and come out on the other side even stronger. 

i always like to celebrate a success! 


always consult a physician or professional before introducing something new if you have any questions or concerns. 

bring on brahmacarya

yama number 4... brahmacarya.  this is to remind us to practice moderation.  after all, sometimes we can definitely indulge in too much of a good thing.  and on the flip side, we can also linger in too much of a bad thing.

i tend to relate this to negative thinking and 'spinning.'  spinning for me is when scary thoughts get out of control.  i wasn't able to get out of the loop so i would say i was 'spinning.'  we indulge in so much negativity by habit.  this also ties back to ahimsa... and not beating ourselves up.  so putting the breaks on too many negative thoughts or scary thoughts is practicing moderation in our thinking habits.

i also practice this when i'm sweating out my stress.  i usually gravitate towards sweaty, heart pounding yoga and workouts to totally alleviate my anxiety.  for some, restorative yoga and meditation helps, but for me i need to be physically challenged in order to completely absorb within myself and reconnect.  so at first, when i discovered this, i would pile on the workouts.  sometimes my total time spent working out would total 2+ hours a day.  i'd hit up a spin class, then fit in some yoga, maybe some weights or go out for a jog to clear my head.  i didn't realize i was doing this until i literally made myself so exhausted that i barely had energy to climb out of bed in the morning.  moderation.  when i was totally stressed and it was really bad, i used to hide in my apartment for days and only emerge to go to work.  i spent all of my time worrying and staying curled up on my couch... again, moderation.  either i wasn't doing enough to regulate my energy or i was doing too much.  it's all a balance.  it's not all or nothing... and i CONSTANTLY remind my students of this. 

look at your life and notice if there's something that you're doing too much of.  maybe you're drinking 4 cups of coffee a day and those jitters are just increasing your anxious episodes.  maybe you're spending too much time not talking about your feelings and staying closed off to people... maybe you're looking for ways to stop thinking about your anxiety and you're throwing yourself into work and sacrificing important family time. 

there's always a place in our lives that could use some moderation.  where do you want to add a little balance in?   

Yama #3 - asteya

welcome to the wonderful third yama - asteya.

i heart asteya.  it means non-stealing... or practicing generosity.  now it's pretty obvious how we can include this in our daily lives, but how does this relate to anxiety?  easy!  SHARE WHAT YOU KNOW!

knowledge is powerful.  it's what helped me realize that panic attacks wouldn't kill me and that there were actually holistic healing options for me out there.  i loved reading blogs and books about other people's experiences with anxiety because, not only could i relate, but i could learn from what they went through because they were further along in their journeys. 

so that's what brought me here.  that's how my Present Moment Workshop was born.  that's how i began to develop and introduce classes.  that's how i found where i fit in the world.  everything i do is based on sharing.  i live my life to share my experiences and what worked (and didn't!) work for me.  i relate to others by being open and honest.  i saw no benefit to holding on to everything that i was learning about and everything i was going through.  i knew i wasn't alone with anxiety.  i reached out to people, i talked to anyone that would listen and i share, share, share as much as i possibly can.  so as you begin to dive deeper into your journey, begin to share everything you learn and experience.  be generous with your knowledge.  let someone else potentially dealing with the same things know that you've been there... and what you did to help yourself.  sharing our knowledge is so powerful.  we can impact people in ways we never knew possible.  i live for seeing people's faces break into smiles and nod as i break down what a panic attack is and all the reasons that -while scary- won't actually harm them.  i love seeing a look of acknowledgement when i mention an anxiety that i had had that they are currently dealing with.  and nothing beats seeing reactions to learning about how yoga and exercise and diet all work hand in hand at helping people heal from anxiety.  and while those aren't the only things that help, they are definitely a piece of the puzzle and i make it my mission to share that with everyone.

shedding some light on satya

touching on the next yama can be challenging.  satya means truthfulness.  we always have the chance to practice this with others, but what about with ourselves?  i never realized that when i hid my anxiety i was lying about a huge part of my life.  i ended a friendship with a very close friend just so i wouldn't have to tell her about my anxiety.  and i lied about it when she questioned me.  of course my growing distance seemed to come out of nowhere... especially from her perspective.  but rather than be honest with her, or myself, i just lied and made up reasons why i could never meet up or have time for a chat on the phone.  if i was anxious about going to dinner with family i would lie and say i didn't feel well to get out of it.  and if something scared me even though i knew it logically shouldn't (like driving to a store down the block), i lied to myself and tried to justify my fear rather than work through it.  i accepted the anxiety as a part of me and instead of changing, i just defended myself.  that defensiveness was me just lying to everyone, including myself. 

so take time to be honest about what's going on.  you don't have to scream it from the rooftops, but if you find friendships or relationships are suffering under the weight of carrying this secret around, then find someone you trust and share with them what's going on.  its often a huge relief to both you and them.  and i found that people didn't judge me, even if they didn't understand.  once i shared my anxieties i was able to talk through them with friends and lean on supportive family members when i found myself struggling on my journey. 

and most importantly, be honest with yourself.  understand your fears and stressors and work through them.  be honest about the intensity of the fears and the reality of them happening.  be honest about what helps you feel calm... is it yoga or reading or talking to a friend on the phone?  be honest with yourself if you find that you're having a panic attack... you know it's just a panic attack and it won't hurt you.  and if being honest out loud is too intense right now, then spill it in a journal.  get it all out.  write passionately, honestly and from your heart about your feelings and emotions. 

sometimes we find that honesty really is the best policy. 

early bird gets... the job done!

i'm sitting here catching up on last night's epi of the bachelor and sipping on my coffee. i just finished my high raw vegan breakfast cookie (chock full 'o protein powder and my newest obsession sunflower butter) and i'm feeling pretty relaxed. my tuesdays have slowed quite a bit and even though it's only a little past 8am, i'm halfway done with my day. i know i've shared with you that mornings can be anxious times for me, but taking on these early classes has been a challenge and a blessing. i've really come into my own and although sometimes i'm met with some stress, all in all the classes have been wonderful. and, on a super awesome note, this morning was the first time i walked out the door to head to class at 6:30am amd there was some light to greet me! woot woot! usually its freezing and pitch black... and while the 'freezing' looks like its gonna stick around, the light has come back to play!

after class, i made a trip to pick up our wash and drop off some movies at blockbuster that the hubby and i watched while we were flu victims. yuck. i'm still dealing with a high ick factor and not feeling quite myself, but i'm truckin' along. the hubby and i both get exhausted after working/teaching, but i'm optimistic that any day now we'll be back to normal! ha!

anyway, we're due for some snow -insert bummed out face here- so i'm hitting up a pilates class at 11am, then i finish my day at 6 and am heading home to whip up a kick booty dinner! last night i made a HUGE salad and baked some sweet potato chips. even though i'm a big fan of raw, sometimes i crave a little cooked food and far be it for me to deny myself what i'm craving.... so long as it's not a big piece of chocolate cake. well... at least not until after the salad! all i do know is that i'm ready to get my diet back on track because i didn't cook a lot when sick and hubby and i depended on take out and quick grab bites... which neither one of us does well with. and pilates is the first class i'm taking in over a week and i'm excited to move

hope you're enjoying your tuesday! are you up and at 'em early or taking it easy today? have you picked something to do today that's just for you? obvi mine is pilates. that's my treat. what's yours?

and if you're prepping for snow... stay warm!

set up for success?

do you set yourself up for success or failure?

i used to spend a lot of time setting myself up for failure... and i didn't even realize it. i had a pretty decent commute to work everyday and even though i knew it caused me stress, i still ate whatever i wanted and stayed up late trying to avoid the inevitable workday morning. this left me with an upset stomach almost every morning and quite the case of the crankies. i knew time before work was stressful and yet i'd sleep in, i wouldn't prep anything the night before and i'd drag myself around until i became totally rushed and absolutely miserable. then, even though i knew working out and yoga kept me sane, i'd succumb to my anxiety and call it a day by spending my time eating junk food (comfort food) and lounging lazily on the couch. never eliminating my anxious energy or feelings. i never talked about what was going on and i never did anything to change it. i spent a lot of time saying "oh well, it is what it is."

definitely setting myself up for failure.

i knew i was miserable anxious and i did NOTHING to change it. i thought it might go away if i just accepted it and i stopped fighting. i stopped trying to find happiness. i stopped living. and ironically, all of the quitting actually caused me even more stress.

so take stock. look around yourself. are there things you can change that are currently making you unhappy? does journaling make you feel better but you just shrug it off due to being 'too tired' or 'not in the mood?' is there a yoga class that you know you could make, but you just choose not to add it to your day so you get more time on the couch? do you make excuses a lot about things you know would make you feel better, but you just don't do them? do you know what makes you happy or do you just focus energy and awareness on what makes you anxious and stressed?

here's your great big STOP SIGN.

pause. take a time out.

start making the effort. you are worth it. you deserve it. don't let your stress and anxiety get the best of you. try putting this into effect: do one thing, EVERYDAY, just for you. take a bath, write, get your yoga on, go to the gym, out for a run, walk the dog, read a book, watch your favorite movie with popcorn, sip tea, go out to dinner with a friend, make dinner for someone special, go to a movie after work.... just do it. stop making excuses.

set yourself up for success! know what makes you feel good, feel happy, feel relaxed... and DO IT. don't let anxiety make you put your life on hold.

and while this may seem like a waste of time or frivilous... know that these things are some of the most important and powerful things you can do to heal from anxiety.

managing expectations

as promised... a blog dedicated to expectations. expectations are a funny thing. i've found that sometimes either way they can cause anxiety. since my recent jaunt to new orleans wasn't anything like i thought it would be, i'd like to share how my expectations shaped my experiences there.

around this time last week, the hubby and i were boarding our flight. we were happy and excited... although it took us awhile to get there! that morning, as i was packing my last minute things, hubby noticed it was snowing. i immediately launched into panic mode. my panic mode is filled with "what ifs."

what if the road is icy and we get into an accident on the way to the airport?
what if there are accidents already on the road and we are stuck in horrific traffic and miss our flight?
what if our flight is delayed or cancelled?
what if we board but they keep us on the tarmac for 10 hours before take off?

and the list went on and on. already my expectations were low and bordering on doom and gloom scenarios. so i did what i do with my clients when they have severe concerns causing anxiety... i talked it out logically. we'll check the flight status before we leave. we'll check traffic reports and bring the GPS in case we need to switch directions. we'll leave 30 minutes earlier for the airport. and guess what? snow stopped after an hour and we cruised to the airport. we weren't met with a single bump or delay in plans. after that, i laughed it off and told hubby i'm going to keep my expectations in check for the rest of the trip. and its a good thing i did. in a nutshell: the weather was freezing (much colder than it was supposed to be), hubby had the flu the whole time, our ghost tour was rained out, the cemetery we took a trolley to see was closed and we couldn't get in and due to said flu lots of other plans had to be cancelled. if i hadn't managed my expectations about these situations it would've left me cranky, agitated and anxious. you always plan for your vacations to be amazing, so it can be disappointing when they become less than stellar. but it really wasn't the end of the world. we had fun watching movies in the room and laughed at the timing of everything. so in regards to this trip i had low expectations in the beginning which caused stress and made me really aware of how i was viewing things. therefore i didn't let my expectations get so high that the trip was ruined when things didn't work out exactly as i wanted.

we don't always realize how much of an impact our expectations have. i remember back over the summer training and training with puggle for our 5k. i really thought we'd nail it and run with ease. turns out the day of the race i was struck with a side cramp 7 minutes into the run and it totally took a toll on my time. i had high expectations and because of that, i wasn't able to appreciate the fact that i ran my first 5k with my pup. i spend a lot of time hung up on the fact that i didn't do as well as expected. of course, it didn't last too long and by the time i got home i realized what an accomplishment it was for me either way. but it still gets the best of us every now and then.

do you find yourself having very high (or low) expectations about things and it causes you stress? ever plan a romantic meal for your significant other only to find out you burned the chicken and it completely ruins the whole night for you? or maybe you had expectations on a gift you'd receive or a trip you'd take or a promotion you were sure you'd get.... only to find yourself let down and anxious and upset?

we can totally manage our expectations. it's great to have high ones for ourselves and things around us, but its important to acknowledge that they are just that... expectations. they aren't guarantees. so if you find yourself over analyzing and expecting certain things make sure to include this sentence at the end of those thoughts: it would be great if it worked out that way, but it's ok if it doesn't also. and have back up plans on the back burner. or be ok with laughing at things and how they work out. don't take it so seriously.

whatever you find works for you, just make sure to keep awareness at those expectations and how they creep in when we least EXPECT them to.

2009: A Year In Review

after nearly 12 hours of sleep, my aches and sniffles seem to be a bit more tame this morning. i woke up bright eyed around 5am and managed to lay in bed until 6. i fed my 4-legged loves, brewed some coffee and booted up my laptop for my annual YEAR IN REVIEW blog post. i was going to journal this, but never got around to it so i'm asking a lot of my brain this morning... but i am excited to recap with you what was probably one of my most transitional and powerful years to date.

Sept-Dec 2008 (yes, i know i'm cheating a bit here, but it's important to include!) completed 200 hours of hatha yoga teacher training and am released out into the world to share what i've learned.

Jan 2009: juggling the start of my third year in PR and also taking on my very first yoga class on saturdays.

early jan 2009: make the monumental decision to leave the safety and comfort of PR to teach yoga full time. after seeing how much it changed my life, i can't imagine not sharing this gift with everyone in the world. i sit in my boss' office, sick to my stomach, and tell him of my decision. one of the most emotional days of my life. i loved my job and my boss and co-workers and clients. after it was done, i swore i was going to throw up.

jan 16, 2009: last day of PR job. hubby and i go out to celebrate my next steps into the world even though i still have that nagging vomit feeling.

jan 24th : gave first ever Present Moment Workshop in honor of Yoga Day USA. met with huge response and gave me signs i was on the right path.

feb 2009: with the help of my fabulous sister-in-law, Anxiety to Zen was launched!

march 2009: slowly gathering more classes under my belt. i join the team at world gym and harmony yoga studio. became VP of Discover & Recover, a non-prof dedicated to raising money for yoga scholarships and introducing alternative health therapies into institutions.

april 2009: first private client signs on for anxiety and stress coaching. went to florida with hubby on a company trip and had a great time. the last time we went i was so riddled with anxiety i skipped out on some group activities and dinners and barely spoke when faced with new people. this year, i partied it up with everyone and finished the trip off rocking out to "sweet home alabama" on the dance floor.

may 2009: my 26th birthday. feeling good about leaving 25.

july 2009: was interviewed by kimberly wilson (www.kimberlywilson.com/blog) and had my story, along with Anxiety to Zen, featured on her amazing site. got to talk to a teacher that i really, really look up to and admire.

summer 2009: kept adding more classes and officially became considered a part time teacher. on my time sheet... bally's, world gym, harmony yoga, sunrise health club and a handful of private clients. website kept growing as i reached out to more people for insights and thoughts on anxiety and yoga. gave another Present Moment Workshop and also completed multiple 6 week long stress and anxiety relief yoga programs. introduced running into my life and there began my love affair with it. totally fell in love with raw foods. after years of experimentation (what makes me feel sick, what doesn't, what helps ease my anxiety) i found my freedom in raw foodism. i was met with stares and gawking about it, but i kept pushing through.

sept 2009: went to europe for the first time! only needed to take some stomach soothing meds every once and awhile and conquered two nine hour flights, packed out trains, travel confusion and running around different countries with no sweat! had the best time and made memories that will last me a lifetime. discovered a deep passion and love for traveling. anxiety didn't stop me once! and took home my first piece of prada.

oct 2009: celebrated my 2 year wedding anniversary with the best hubby ever. signed up for 5k. booked a trip to new orleans for the new year. was asked to be a bridesmaid!

nov 2009: by far, my busiest month. ran my first 5k with my pup. went to a wonderful anusara workshop. threw a baby shower. celebrated thanksgiving with my family. officially consider myself 50% raw foodie. started volunteering at Last Hope. immediately fell in love with every dog in there.

dec 2009: ran my 2nd 5k with the hubby. officially obtained full time teaching status. began helping promote D&R Krishna Das fundraiser. BECAME AN AUNT! got my 2nd piece of prada. a new laptop! started taking bikram yoga classes. this was a huge mind trip for me as it exposes my anxieties. i get very anxious when i feel trapped or stuck. i also get anxious about having to go to the bathroom or become ill in front of people or in public. enter bikram. i was told once i enter the studio i cannot leave (gulp), if the heat makes you feel ill just sit it out until you feel better (double gulp at the thought of passing out in front of the class) and drink gallons and gallons of water but don't leave the class to use the facilities (ok, i'm nearing my limit). but i did it anyway. i drank the tons 'o water, i stayed put in the studio and focused all my energies on my poses rather than the fact that the heat could make me pass out. it was like a torture chamber for my mind. now i know i'm making this sound as appealing as a lobotomy, but.... i left feeling empowered. i conquered something that exposed all my anxiety weaknesses. i felt stripped down and scared, but i did it and i succeeded. and i went back for more! out of all the yoga classes i've taken and all the studios i've gone to, bikram was the first one i committed to. that says something. i wouldn't go as far to say i'm a devotee at this stage, but i'm sure as hell loving the adventure of it. there's something transformative about being in that kind of situation. i'm sure i'm over thinking it a bit because i'm coming at it from such a different mind set, but that's what makes it all the more powerful for me. so i discovered a lust for bikram yoga.

so there you have it. my life in 2009. i feel transformed and different. and i hope 2010 brings just as much transformation and growth. i reconnected with old friends, made new ones, lost some. after all the styles of yoga i've tried i became enamored with bikram as it touches me on so many different levels. i got two 5ks under my belt and am looking forward to training for a half next jan. discovered the power and beauty of raw, living foods. fell in love with my beautiful baby nephew and saw how rock star my sister-in-law was with her natural birth! deepened my relationship with my hubby. began to devote some of my time to volunteering to a cause i care about. grew my classes and clients and my ability to share anxiety relief with others.

i'm a lucky girl.
i'm a thankful girl.

so much to do, so little time

i just finished making the biggest pot of veggie soup and am totally loving the smell that's invading my apartment. it makes me feel like i whipped up a five course meal and not just some soup. i've been super busy working on discover and recover's big january kick off event and baby shower planning. i'm cutting, gluing, writing, designing and compiling more than ever! and because of all the craziness i've been craving more and more yoga and comfort food.. hence my channeling martha stewart in the kitchen this afternoon. i've also started my training again for my next run the first weekend in december. hubby is amazing and giving me an early holiday gift - a running watch! i never really know how far i go, or my average pace, so this will help my training immensely and i can't wait!

i've been feeling a bit anxious as the holidays fast approach and i'm cramming my weekends full of things to do so i'm always running about somewhere and doing something. i'm going to spend the next few weeks paying very close attention to what i'm eating and putting in my body because for me my number one issue causing me stress/anxiety is eating bad food which makes me feel sick and then i get anxious about it.

might be hard to do with all the activities and festivities going on, but i'm going to stay determined. i feel the best when my diet is mostly raw foods, so i see lots of green smoothies and salads in my future! i definitely don't want anxiety to rear its ugly head when i have so much amazing stuff going on. stress better get ready to take a back seat!

I can, I get to, I like to...

now here are words we don't hear (or say!) very often.

i can, i get to, i like to...

yesterday i read a blog dedicated to these words and i can't stop thinking about it. when anxious it's easy to surround ourselves with the "i can'ts, i shouldn'ts, i don't want to's." how often though do we really stop and think about the opposite?

two days ago i hurt my knee. nothing serious, but enough to cause a little hobble and quite a few stares. my hubby seized the opportunity to tell me that maybe i should lay off some of my workouts because between the race training and all the spin classes (packed in so i can finish my certification) i'm OD'ing a bit on the heavy cardio. however, the mere thought of stopping my training (over a knee that was a tad sore) or holding back on my certification nearly drove me to tears. i enjoy this. it's stress relief. it's fun for me. so i promised to stick to some rest and be a good patient. by the next morning my knee was feeling much better and yesterday i returned to spin feeling great. and by the time we hit that first 'big hill' and piled on the resistance instead of feeling self defeating and telling myself how hard this was or how intensely my legs were burning, i thought to myself i'm so lucky my knee is better and i can rock this hill!

something as simple as a sore knee really changed my whole mindset. and this brings me back to the blog i mentioned. something happened to this blogger that changed her whole attitude towards things. every time she did something, no matter how mundane it seemed, she felt lucky to be able to do it. how awesome to get a dose of that every now and then!

so rather than waiting for something to happen that changes our mindset, let's create the change on our own! what are some things you can't wait to do, that you get to do or that you can do?

I CAN:

*run my 5k

*take any spin class i want

*walk my dog (even though it may be pouring rain!)

I GET TO:

*come home every day to an apartment i love even though it may not be perfect or a mansion

*look forward to time with friends and family

I LIKE TO:

*try new workouts and test my physical limits

*work towards improving my yoga practice but can be content with where i am each step of the way

*try new recipes even if i'm not the best cook

there are so many more to add to the list. and whether it be something life-changing or anxiety that keeps the negative thoughts swirling, you always have the power to change them. if you feel frustrated or closed off because of anxiety, start thinking and believing that you have the ability to change it! working through my anxiety brought me so much closer to the person i wanted to be so i always look at it as a blessing in disguise. anxiety gave me the push to work hard and create change and encourage growth... because if i didn't i would've sat back and watched my life slip away.

coping

i'm currently avoiding the task of getting ready to head into new jersey tonight for my uncle's wake. i almost feel like if i don't get ready than none of this is real. it's hard to find comfort in family because they are all suffering and coping as much as i am. i feel my energy is massively displaced, i've pretty much dive-bombed off the running wagon and my mat has remained curled up in the back of my car for days (only seeing the light of day when i unroll it to teach a class). after being couch-bound all weekend with a nasty cold and sore throat i felt unable to muster the strength to do anything after hearing of my uncle's passing so i've pretty much been sidelined for almost a straight week. i'm not feeling like myself. i don't even think i am myself. i'm keeping a stiff upper lip and playing the "rock" card during this time for those that need me to, but i'm slowly crumbling and don't think my brave face will hold up tonight.

these are the times when anxiety finds ways to creep up on us. our defenses are down and we're anywhere BUT in the present moment (the present moment often feels to painful). so i've found other ways to redirect my energy and attention until my brain fully wraps around recent events... i did some soul searching.

great loss (whether it be death, a break up, job-related or a busted friendship) can sometimes guide you into a deeper sense of who you are. struggles can lead to triumphs and sadness can bring closure. we tend to always want to avoid pain and suffering at any cost. i see this a lot in my classes. students struggle and twist and squirm when they find themselves in an uncomfortable pose and i always try to offer a nod to acknowledge their discomfort but also try to remind them that it's ok to just sit with it. it's ok to just be with it. i've spent a lot of time and energy in totally zoning out and i rarely have been talking about how i feel. but tonight i'm going to be face to face with the reality of it and i need to be ok with it.

if i need to cry, then i'll cry. if i need a hug, i'll ask for one. when i see my family hurting, i'll go to them. and when it's time to say good bye, i will. i can't 'check out' because i'm afraid of my feelings and afraid to let go. it's not about me.

i'm giving myself one more half hour and then i'm getting off the couch, out of my pajamas (which i've pretty much been living in lately) and getting ready to face this day. i won't break down, but i'll be sad. and i'll sit with it. and it'll be ok. we'll all be ok. but we'll never make it thru this if we spend more time fighting how we feel than finding solace in healing from it.

home sweet home

ciao le ragazze ed i ragazzi!

(hi girls and boys!)

I am officially starting to get back into the swing of things since returning from my amazing european adventure. hubby and i had a blast. we did our share of exploring (like checking out the parthenon and wandering around olympia) and made sure to sprinkle in some much needed down time - often on a beach! venice was breathtaking and i thoroughly enjoyed strolling through Piazza San Marco. we met fabulous people, ate amazing food and saw gorgeous scenery... it really was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. and, while i know i was concerned about anxiety rearing its ugly head and ruining the trip, it was actually surprisingly tame. yes, i did have some moments of stomach aching moments of panic, but it was so few and far between i hardly noticed it. i thought i would be numb with panic during the flights, but i was fine and actually found myself very relaxed. i thought not really having everything planned out and in my control would cause a freak out, but it didn't. i had one moment of anxiety the first morning we awoke and jumped out of bed to get ready for our adventure in croatia (because my anxiety tends to flare up in the AM) but i breathed my way right to relaxation and it didn't pop up at all throughout the day after that. i was very aware of how my body was reacting to things and if i felt anxious i quickly worked to identify why and start to relax.

and just as it is when i'm home... if i got anxious it was in the morning or when we got lost trying to find our way around. two things that caused me immense stress and anxiety way back when. getting lost was close to being my worst nightmare and mornings were always when i had massive panic attacks. knowing myself and my anxiety so well really helped me to avoid any real panic and it seriously never became an issue. it was really powerful to see how far i've come because at my worst i never would've been able to take a trip like this.

so now i'm dealing with post-travel blues and desperately craving another trip to look forward to.

in the meantime, i'm greatly enjoying getting back to my classes and indulging in much needed stretching and moving because there was little time during the trip for full on yoga and my body has been craving it. and since we've gotten back my internal clock has been off and i find myself waking around 4am (which i'm totally digging!). i've decided to re-commit to my training and have been enjoying early morning runs that energize me and clear my head. all of this is making the transition back to reality a little less painful.

i hope you all had a fabulous week and enjoyed your labor day weekend!

the highs and lows of self esteem

Something I often see people struggle with (whether anxious or not!) is self esteem. The dreaded 's' word that we've all come into battle with at some point in our lives. And unfortunately its way too often a struggle with low self esteem.

So what's a girl (or guy!) to do? When I was at my most anxious I didn't suffer from low self esteem, I suffered with NO self esteem. Always one to hide in the back, I guess I never realized how much I beat myself up. I never thought anything was wrong with the negative messages I gave myself everyday. But I would never talk to a friend the way I talked to myself...it did nothing but make me feel worse. So those messages and thoughts had to go! I began to surround myself with positive energy and activities, commit to goals, indulge in spoiling myself every now and then and gave myself kudos for even the smallest step I took in the right direction on my journey. It took forever to build that esteem back up, but I was lucky to have friends and family (and myself!) to pump me up when I hit rock bottom. What's one thing you can do today to pump up YOUR esteem?

1) Journal all of your accomplishments for that day and DON'T leave any out-no matter how great or small you believe them to be

2) Pick your favorite feature and play it up. Whether its your hair, eyes, smile-rock it with pride!

3) Volunteer for a cause close to your heart

4) Offer to help out a friend or family member in need.

5) Treat yourself to a movie, your favorite take out, or a night out with friends just because! Celebrate yourself.

6) Give a compliment to someone, flash a smile to a stranger, hold the door for the person behind you-don't take for granted how fabulous doing things for others makes you feel. Raise their self esteem as you raise yours! I'm all about more bang for your buck!

I'm Inspired

I fell asleep last night thinking about people I admire. When I woke up this morning I became inspired to write down their names and a list of their traits because I was curious to see if they had any similarities. Here's what I came up with:

1) travel ( a lot!)
2) created their own companies
3) their missions are to help people become stronger, healthier and/or more confident
4) they live, breathe, eat and sleep their passions... every day!
5) a lot of them are women

I found this so interesting. A lot of their goals are similar to mine (even outside of these similarities). I feel that if I had the chance to chat with any of these fabulous women I could spend endless amounts of time picking their brains and learning from them. There's far too few people in life that can say "work isn't work, it's my passion." These women inspire me because they fought the odds and the safety of job security to chase a dream - and regardless of whether they are famous for it or not or rich beyond their wildest dreams - they have succeeded. They've strived for something. Set a goal. Felt the anxiety. Pushed past the fear. And are living a dream dedicated to helping others be the best selves they can be! No wonder these chicks totally inspire me.

Thoughts on Thoughts

Ever notice how sometimes our thoughts can make a crummy situation even more miserable? I had no idea how powerful my thoughts were until I was forced to face them. My thoughts could turn normal stress into a full blown panic attack and make me truly believe that if I left my house or attempted to step outside of my comfort zone something horrific would happen. And even though deep down I knew better, my thoughts called the shots.

There's nothing worse than feeling the first pangs of stress and anxiety. I used to feel it in the pit of my stomach. Then my entire chest would sieze up and my fingers and toes would get ice cold and ultimately become numb. Then, as if watching a movie in slow motion, I could mentally predict each thing that would happen to me as I began to launch into a panic attack. And at times, I felt there was nothing I could do about it but freak out. Initial thoughts went something like this...

OMG, I'm going to lose it and EVERYONE is going to see me have a panic attack!

Oh no, I'm going to get sick, I just know it. I'm going to get sick in front of everyone!

I gotta get outta here RIGHT NOW! I can't let anyone see this happen to me... they'll think I'm crazy!

It took me a long, long time to learn to ride it out and work on not letting my thoughts get the best of me. And like I've said many times before, anxiety never goes away... what does change is our ability to cope with it. So armed with my "anti-anxiety tool belt" (which included knowledge on breathing, stress relieving yoga poses and the confidence in positive thoughts) now I just ride anxiety out. I've been panic attack free for awhile (knock on wood) but I still get feelings of anxiousness. Instead of perpetuating it through scary thoughts and doubt, I talk myself through it and actually try to just sit with it... weird at first, but pretty cool once you get the hang of it. I go through my entire body and notice what it's feeling and how my thoughts impact what I feel. I stay connected to myself and in the moment.

Have you ever taken time to sit through an anxious episode or crappy experience? Where you ever able to change the situation and feelings by utilizing your thoughts?