managing expectations

as promised... a blog dedicated to expectations. expectations are a funny thing. i've found that sometimes either way they can cause anxiety. since my recent jaunt to new orleans wasn't anything like i thought it would be, i'd like to share how my expectations shaped my experiences there.

around this time last week, the hubby and i were boarding our flight. we were happy and excited... although it took us awhile to get there! that morning, as i was packing my last minute things, hubby noticed it was snowing. i immediately launched into panic mode. my panic mode is filled with "what ifs."

what if the road is icy and we get into an accident on the way to the airport?
what if there are accidents already on the road and we are stuck in horrific traffic and miss our flight?
what if our flight is delayed or cancelled?
what if we board but they keep us on the tarmac for 10 hours before take off?

and the list went on and on. already my expectations were low and bordering on doom and gloom scenarios. so i did what i do with my clients when they have severe concerns causing anxiety... i talked it out logically. we'll check the flight status before we leave. we'll check traffic reports and bring the GPS in case we need to switch directions. we'll leave 30 minutes earlier for the airport. and guess what? snow stopped after an hour and we cruised to the airport. we weren't met with a single bump or delay in plans. after that, i laughed it off and told hubby i'm going to keep my expectations in check for the rest of the trip. and its a good thing i did. in a nutshell: the weather was freezing (much colder than it was supposed to be), hubby had the flu the whole time, our ghost tour was rained out, the cemetery we took a trolley to see was closed and we couldn't get in and due to said flu lots of other plans had to be cancelled. if i hadn't managed my expectations about these situations it would've left me cranky, agitated and anxious. you always plan for your vacations to be amazing, so it can be disappointing when they become less than stellar. but it really wasn't the end of the world. we had fun watching movies in the room and laughed at the timing of everything. so in regards to this trip i had low expectations in the beginning which caused stress and made me really aware of how i was viewing things. therefore i didn't let my expectations get so high that the trip was ruined when things didn't work out exactly as i wanted.

we don't always realize how much of an impact our expectations have. i remember back over the summer training and training with puggle for our 5k. i really thought we'd nail it and run with ease. turns out the day of the race i was struck with a side cramp 7 minutes into the run and it totally took a toll on my time. i had high expectations and because of that, i wasn't able to appreciate the fact that i ran my first 5k with my pup. i spend a lot of time hung up on the fact that i didn't do as well as expected. of course, it didn't last too long and by the time i got home i realized what an accomplishment it was for me either way. but it still gets the best of us every now and then.

do you find yourself having very high (or low) expectations about things and it causes you stress? ever plan a romantic meal for your significant other only to find out you burned the chicken and it completely ruins the whole night for you? or maybe you had expectations on a gift you'd receive or a trip you'd take or a promotion you were sure you'd get.... only to find yourself let down and anxious and upset?

we can totally manage our expectations. it's great to have high ones for ourselves and things around us, but its important to acknowledge that they are just that... expectations. they aren't guarantees. so if you find yourself over analyzing and expecting certain things make sure to include this sentence at the end of those thoughts: it would be great if it worked out that way, but it's ok if it doesn't also. and have back up plans on the back burner. or be ok with laughing at things and how they work out. don't take it so seriously.

whatever you find works for you, just make sure to keep awareness at those expectations and how they creep in when we least EXPECT them to.

expectations, vacations and bed days

I've taken a few days off from...well, everything! Last Thursday hubby and I left for new orleans. It was a much anticipated trip and well earned long weekend away...until we awoke friday morning to hubby coughing and sneezing and burning up with a fever. He managed to push through a few activities we had planned on, but a lot of our trip was spent watching movies in the hotel room and ordering room service. The trip was nothinh like we expected which had the potential to be a nightmare, but we managed our expectations (something I'll touch on more in my next post)and between the chills and sniffles we got in some laughs. On sunday I was hit (read: knocked on my boo-tay!) With his flu and traveled home miserably with horrid body aches and chest pounding coughs. Yikes! I was terrified to upset people on the flight but I did my best. I drank my ginger ale, wrapped myself in a blanket and threw the rest up to fate. We both managed to make the two and a half hour (or in our sick time, 10 hour) flight and high tailed it home to curl up in bed. When you're that sick nothing is as wonderful as your own bed.
Needless to say, we've been sick since. This has been a rough one for us. I cancelled and subbed out a lot of my classes as I can barely find the energy or motivation to move -could be because I've barely consumed 500 calories worth of food in the past 4 days- and its helped a lot. I'm semi-notorious for over exerting and pushing myself...remember my blog on working through almost my entire week before succumbing to my stomach virus? Well I didn't do that this time. I've stayed offline and away from my cell. Its been such a nice treat. I've really spent the time committed to healing and resting and nursing my body back to normal.
I can't wait to be operating at 100% efficiency soon! And once I am I'll share more about our "adventure" in new orleans and some pics. Just goes to show that life never turns out the exact way we plan for it to.
Hope you're all doing better than I am my loves! Anyone psyched for the super bowl? I am! And new orleans really brought life to it! Saints stuff everywhere! Love it!
How do you guys rest up and take care when sick? Are you a pusher or a rester? Maybe a lil of both??

forget about what it's not, take it for what it is

this phrase is like my new MO. kind of like that whole "he's just not that into you" craze. we spend lots of time making things into something they're not. we over analyze what it means if a guy hugs us rather than kiss us, we ponder endlessly about why our co-worker was called into our boss' office instead of us after a huge presentation, we try desperately to make diet food taste just like the chips and cookies we're used to... we tend to resist accepting things for what they are.

this concept came to me (read: hit me so hard it almost knocked me unconscious) when, for the 100th time, i found myself explaining that i haven't lost my mind just because i find myself wandering over into the raw food lifestyle.

over the past couple of years i've spent my life experimenting with food. at first it was weight related... diet this and diet that, non-fat everything. then it was because i became committed to animal rights activism and quit eating meat. then i ventured into a soy-craze. finally i finished off my experimentation by reading about metabolic typing, ayurveda and raw foodism. i tried it all and what left me feeling the absolute best was raw food. so it seemed to be completely logical to continue to learn about this new food lifestyle and how to best incorporate it into my life.

on thanksgiving i became so bold as to bring a raw pecan pie to my aunt's house. my family conveniently looked away from it, grabbing at the usual dessert staples - apple pie and cheesecake - but a few brave souls braced themselves and tried it. it was met with pretty positive reviews, although directly followed with "but i still prefer regular pecan pie." ugh.

so as i sat there talking about raw food and my health i was met with a familiar question - "but does it taste like regular food?"

this is when i found myself hit in the face with my realization. yes. raw food does taste like regular food. regular for raw. just as french fries taste regular and normal for fried food and milk tastes normal and regular for dairy. everyone gets so hung up on whether or not this raw food i'm eating tastes exactly like its cooked counterpart that they lose the entire concept of the diet. its not about whether jicama mimics the exact taste of a cooked french fry, its how the jicama makes me feel compared to the cooked french fry.

i began to scour over my raw recipe books and realized that all of the food had names like "unfried french fries" or "rawvioli." now these names help me understand what food i'm making and the cooked food it resembles, but i'm sure to find that the raw food doesn't ever taste exactly like the cooked food. and if i really just forgo that concept, i often find that some of the raw stuff i make actually tastes better! i happen to totally prefer my raw pies to any cooked.

and i started to see that its not just food we do this to. we expect people to look a certain way, act a certain way and behave in a certain way. if we see someone picking up garbage along the street the first word that may come to mind is "gross" because its out of the ordinary and "not normal" but maybe that person is deeply committed to the earth and environmentalism. Maybe a friend tells us something less than stellar about ourselves and we get offended because its not the regular niceties this person usually exchanges with us. forget about the fake kindness and take the words as those of advice and caring. i have caught a lot of flack for enjoying practicing my yoga to rock music and encouraging students to have fun on the mat. but that's not me disrespecting yoga, its my interpretation of a practice that has transformed my life.

so today i whipped up a raw spinach quiche, flax crackers (currently dehydrating) and cacao sunflower balls... and i'm not going to cut into that quiche expecting it to taste like a cooked quiche and i'm not going to bite into those cacao sunflower balls and expect them to taste like sweet chocolate fudge... i'm going to look forward to enjoying them for what they are and decide if i like them based on nothing more than their individual taste. forget what they're "supposed" to be or "supposed" to taste like. and tomorrow AM i'm hoping to take my first hot yoga class. i am not going to lie, i've formed some preconceived notions about this style of yoga, but i've based it on my own personal thoughts and opinions. i've never tried it. so i'm going to take a class and experience it for what it is, not constantly judge it or anticipate how i'll feel after compared to a "regular" yoga class. that word regular is dangerous. its a slippery slope for me and leads me into endless amounts of dissatisfaction and comparisons of nearly everything.

so i'm going to try to encounter things and appreciate them all for what they are. stop the comparisons. stop trying to replicate what already is. stop making something into what it's not.

i love you, you're perfect, now change.

i love you, you're not perfect, forget change.

Torn in Two

Lately I've felt pulled in two drastically different directions. It took me a long time to get comfortable in my own skin. There are things about me that I love and things about me that I dislike. It all comes wrapped in a quirky package that makes up the real me. I think we all have that. But for the past few weeks I've felt that the real me isn't good enough. I put faith and trust in someone that I feel is trying to push me in a direction that suits his/her needs more than my own needs and rather than learn from me, he/she tries desperately to change me to fit a mold that he/she created. I'm using "he/she" because 1) I want this person to remain anonymous and 2) the person isn't what's important. The thing that is important is that I felt beat up for awhile. I took what this person said to heart and started to discount my accomplishments and get down on myself for not fitting this "picture perfect" mold. Just as people are put into your life to build you up and guide you, there are people also put into your life to challenge you.

I used to think things were all or nothing. Either you're a health nut or a junk food junkie. You're a runner or couch potato. You're laid back and easygoing or you're uptight and type A. But things aren't that black or white. And I started to see the grey in my life as well. I love to work out. I love to push myself to my limits, but when I want to relax, I want to relax! I want to veg out on the couch and watch a 9 hr marathon of america's next top model and not move. I'm all about health. I'm into fruits and veggies and have been known to fry up a mean tofu, but put a cupcake in front of me and I'll devour it. I get the importance of green tea and water, but every now and then I just need a cup of coffee or diet coke (eek!). And while I have found a love for yoga and, when prompted, will speak endlessly of it's positive impact in my life, I like to have fun with it. I love to be creative in my practice and encourage others to do the same. I like to add a little fun and flair because I believe you can have both - the wonderful mind and body connection and some laughs. I also sometimes tend to bring my tough as nails beliefs into my work outs and yoga practice - if you don't push yourself, who will!? The point is, while everyone approaches things differently, we're all headed to the same destination. Who is to say that one path is better than the next?

Don't feel funny if you whip up a vegetarian fiest (complete with tofurkey!) in christian louboutins and perfectly manicured fingernails. Don't let anyone tease you for wearing make up on a hike or thinking less of you if after your big client meeting you shed your suit and run to a Slipknot concert. Who said we have to fit stereotypes that other people create? We can drive ourselves crazy trying to fit other peoples' molds. Forget 'em!

Guess what? I practice yoga to rock music. I'm a vegetarian, plant my own vegetable garden in the summer and recycle all while being decked out in fun clothes and a full face of make up. My sneakers and workout clothes match and I like to watch Gossip Girl as much as The History Channel. I don't fit any one mold. And if someone gives you a hard time because you don't fit the "stereotype", that's their problem - not yours! So be proud that you adore chick lit and historical biographies... be true to the fact that you are as dedicated to working out as you are about a chocolate cupcake...and that you love to volunteer as much as you love Chanel handbags.

It's Monday Already?

I had one of those perfect weekends where time seems to fly and even though you didn't plan to do anything, you wound up having a blast.

The only thing on my agenda was teaching a Saturday morning yoga class and then a client meeting. But hubby P and I went out to dinner with some friends of ours Friday night and had the best time! Before we knew it it was close to 11. Then Saturday evening I got swept up hanging out with hubby P and his friend (even though it was designated boys night) and Sunday I had a fabulous brunch and much needed girl talk and then dinner and a movie at night.

The funny thing is that my agenda book had so much white space for the weekend that I thought it was going to be a bust. I didn't make a lot of plans and what plans I did have were followed by a "?" because nothing was definite. Having very little expectations and plans actually worked in my favor and leaving my weekend fun in fate's hands was well worth it.

I know we always want to be in control... never want to waste a minute or fly by the seat of our pants, but sometimes it's really worth it in the end. I have found the phenomenon of "less expectations, more fun" to hold true in quite a few circumstances. So the next time you find your expectations spiraling sky high, take a step back. You'll have way more fun with life's curveballs.

*********************************************************
WORKSHOP ANNOUNCEMENT

Laughter Yoga FUN-raiser

Reduce Stress, Enhance Mind, Body & Spirit with Bruce Katlin

Learn how to laugh for health! Benefit from this unique and scientifically proven concept. Improve stamina, lower blood pressure, REDUCE STRESS, increase endorphins, enhance interpersonal relationships and more.

WHEN: Saturday, March 7th, 2009
WHERE: THE CENTER FOR CHANGE
210 East Main Street, Huntington NY
PRICE: $15 (donation)
TIME: 2:00 PM

RSVP: dyoga@optonline.net

Sponsored by Discover & Recover
http://www.discover-recover.org/

Expectation Creation

Do you consider yourself a person with high expectations?

I never used to... but after forcing myself to take a deep, down look inside I realized my expectations were sky high... Not that I'm knocking expectations! I think expectations are great. They serve as a helpful reminder to go after your goals or to allow you to gain the respect you know you deserve. They help you strive for things in life. But, as with most things, there is a flip side to this idea.

When expectations take on a life of their own, it could mean trouble. I've often found this to be the case. Sometimes I have such high expectations for things around me I'm almost definitely setting myself up for an inevitable letdown. And let's face it, I can't control what happens around me. So why do I EXPECT that I can? I subscribe to the notion that everyone will treat me with kindness and respect, I'll get raises and promotions because I work hard, my husband will always want to spend time with me because he loves me so much, my friends will always call me first in a crisis for advice and good things will come to me if I put good things out there. Now at this point, you're probably doing one of two things: 1) nodding your head feverishly in agreement and thinking that is absolutely the way things should work or 2) rolling your eyes so far back into your head they practically disappear. I'm basing a whole lot of my feelings on the way I feel things SHOULD be and how I EXPECT them to be. You can almost see the disappointment awaiting me in the future. Now I also tend to hold myself to sky high expectations. I expect my work to always be right, I expect to know the answers to people's questions, know the right thing to do should a problem arise and I always expect to land anything I pursue.

I think it's easy to see how unreasonable expectations can set you up for disaster. And a lot of people with anxiety tend to have unrealistic expectations... perfectionism is one big one I've noticed. Anxious people want things to always run smoothly, to always be perfect. They want the world to be fair. They want praise from their bosses and kudos from friends. And they bust their butts trying to get it all. I know I did... for a very long time. I would spend hours obsessively beating myself up if I thought I said something stupid at work or incorrect at class. When I went for my yoga certification I was terrified that everyone would judge me because I couldn't touch my toes. I over analyzed every move I made (and every move everyone else made!) and caused myself immense anxiety and pain.

The reality is though... that there is no such thing as perfect. But there is such a thing as expectations being too high, too unrealistic, too unobtainable. The fact is, life is life. You can't control it. You can't predict it... and sometimes that is half the fun. Things aren't always fair and things won't always turn out the way you want them to, but what you can take control of is how you perceive it when things don't go the way you expect them to. Don't beat yourself up if you think you said something stupid because no one else even noticed. Don't get down on yourself for not losing 10 pounds in a week, celebrate the fact that you're working out or that you lost one pound or that you're doing something good for yourself! Don't expect the world... because you might never get it. Instead, try to look at things with no judgement and no expectations and look forward to whatever is thrown your way.

And if you do find yourself caught up in a high expectation... bring yourself back down. And then be proud of yourself for doing so!

HAPPY Holidays

I know holiday time can be a stressful time. Running around from here to there, worrying obsessively about the perfect gift or making the perfect meal, being anxious wondering if you are a good host (or doubting your ability to pull a party together), annual work reviews... the worries are almost limitless - if you let them be!

Stress and this time of year can more often than not go hand in hand, but one thing to remember is that stress doesn't have to launch into mind crippling anxiety. I feel like my to-do list is endless and my responsibilities continue to mount, but I try to take a step back when I get overwhelmed and think of happy things and things I'm grateful for. Because, after all, isn't that what we all really want to think about? So what if I burn the turkey, pour too much dressing on the salad or drop the bread on the floor? I'm still getting to hang out with family and friends, some of which are the coolest people I know. So what if I hit traffic on the way to my in-laws house? It's just more time I get to spend with my hubby singing christmas carols off-key. And who cares if I didn't get everyone the "perfect" gift? (Isn't that what gift receipts are for? I'm kidding!)

Take time during this hectic season to appreciate everything going on. Take a moment to spend time with a family member you don't see very often, allow yourself to become engulfed at dinner table conversation and commit to memories the smiles you see when people open their gifts and know you put a lot of thought into it. Be grateful. It's something we can all do, but rarely take the time for.

Happy holidays to all! Here's to all of you, your journeys and the new year!

(Still) Learning from My Mistakes

I hate making mistakes. And I hate being rushed. Perhaps I dislike these two things so much because I feel they go hand in hand. When I’m rushed, I make mistakes. When I make a mistake, I rush to fix it. This is a frustrating way to be. It’s directly tied to my obsession with perfection. My house has to be perfect at all times (I’ve been known to kick hubby out of bed and onto the couch if he wants to sleep late because I need to make the bed before I leave the house). My clothes have to match, my desk has to be neat, I have to be in perfect control at all times. This constant striving for perfection is exhausting and in no way helpful to me. It has me in a constant state of panic that I could make a mistake. And mistakes aren’t perfect. So therefore (and here I’m using those mathematical logic skills) if I make a mistake, I’m not perfect. Gasp!

Most people with anxiety are perfectionists. They are afraid of making mistakes, being (or seeming) out of control and failing. But when you really think about it, how can you live a life free from these things? There are always going to be times when I can’t be in control and it can be as simple as having a friend pick me up when we go out for coffee. I no longer have control. I’ve overcome my fear of failure because I’ve practiced the mantra “the only failure is not trying” until my mind accepted this as a truth, but many other people in the throes of anxiety have not. And mistakes…oh mistakes… how you stress people out! But think of all the things you have learned thru making mistakes. And your concern about mistakes means you care. If you didn’t care about things, you wouldn’t care if you messed up. Mistakes are just that… little accidents that are a necessary evil (and I don’t even really like to use the word evil, but you get the point!). Try to take the pressure off of yourself for a little while and let yourself learn from the experience. I know I still have a lot to work on in terms of my views on perfection… but just acknowledging that I have work to do is the first (and most important!) step.

It's Always All Right

I haven’t been motivated to write recently because I’ve had some setbacks with my anxiety. On Saturday morning I felt queasy before yoga and felt sick for most of the time there. On Sunday, hubby and I had a fun day planned of shopping and cake and picking out our wedding album and I woke up riddled with so much anxiety it was exhausting to just keep my eyes open. I immediately got upset because I had been doing so well that I told hubby I was having anxious feelings and didn’t know if I was up for our fun outing. On one side, it was awful to feel this way. But on the flip side, I haven’t had anxious feelings in so long I had practically forgotten how they felt. I kept trying to drum that into my head as I forced myself to go out. We wound up making it to about two stores before I said “that’s it, I’m done” and we headed home.

This situation made me think about a couple of things. First, it made me realize that I had actually gone quite a few weeks without an anxious episode (as dubbed by me), second, I still pushed thru the anxiety and went out… and even though I didn’t make it to all the stores or out to dinner or to whatever else we had planned, I still stepped outside the house and outside of my comfort zone. As for the third thing, I remembered my post on expectations. Could you imagine how I would have felt if my expectations for the weekend were sky high and I felt my anxiety ruined it for me? I would have been so much worse than I was already and it wouldn’t have helped me at all! I was so thankful that I kept my expectations under control and repeatedly told myself that we could always do more shopping or go out to dinner next weekend. The world wasn’t going to end. We’d still have fun. And my husband wasn’t going to serve me with divorce papers for changing the plans. I always feel very self-conscious when I have anxiety. I feel like people get disappointed in me for not having better control over myself. But it is times like this when I need to step inside myself and be my friend. I need to NOT beat myself up to the point of near distortion because I’m having a bout of anxiety. Would I yell at my husband? Would I make fun of my mother? Would I pick a fight over this with a friend? No, no and NO. So why in the world should I wallow in self hate because of something I’m working on? My sister-in-law always refers to herself as a work in progress and I like that idea. Most people are works in progress. No one is perfect and very few people are completely satisfied with every aspect of their lives. Everything is a work in progress when it comes to life and it’s so important to see that it is ok.

Unfortunately, the anxiety didn’t go away Monday morning and I was just as sick. Even as I type this today I feel a little anxious. I do wish I was home on my couch in my “safe” place but that’s just not reality. There is no “safe” place, just a hiding place. I’m proud of myself that I forced myself to come to work and that I’m being productive when all I want to do is hide under the covers. This is the time that it’s most important to be strong. But it’s still ok to have some rough patches. I’ll get thru it. This is just a minor setback on my personal journey. And when setbacks happen, I have to remember to stop and enjoy the scenery…

Conception of Perception

And as I gear up for my weekend of fun, I have to remind myself to keep my expectations at bay. When you have high anxiety, something that causes a lot of it is high expectations. I never used to think I had high expectations. I actually regarded myself as someone with very low expectations. I didn’t think very much of myself, my accomplishments always paled in comparison to those around me and I didn’t expect much from myself. But quite the opposite is true about me. I tend to be a tough critic. And my type-A personality demands that I be in control in almost every situation. What I thought was just a mean streak turned out to be high expectations. Who knew? So when I’m mentally setting up all of these high expectations I EXPECT them to happen. When they don’t, because A) people and things rarely go the way you’d like them to (or plan them to) and B) Who am I to judge anyone anyway, I get let down and the anxiety comes flooding in. So I’m in a constant state of managing my expectations. So while I know this weekend will be fun, I am not expecting some life-altering, mind numbing experience to happen. I want to appreciate the moment and enjoy whatever I find myself doing. I am trying to loosen my grip on my life little by little and let a little more spontaneity in. It’s scary. I was never a “go with the flow” kind of chick, but with a little work I may come closer than I’ve ever been before.

It’s funny how people talk about expectations as always being a great thing. And while they usually are, the small print reads that expectations are good when not sky high. Always expecting life to be fair, people to work hard, friends to care and good things happen to good people is just not realistic. And what’s even more ridiculous is that I climb on my high horse and get immediately agitated at the situation. I spend a lot of my time concerning myself with what “should” be, rather than what is. And instead of accepting things, I fight against it. I fight against what I have no control over based on my expectations of how I think a situation should turn out. So this weekend is about fun and relaxing - with some cake and champagne thrown in - and if our cake is moldy or I spill champagne on myself, it’s ok. It’s all ok because these small instances don’t make-or-break my day. What does make-or-break my day, however, is how I choose to react to these unexpected situations.