facing our fears

my early morning yoga classes have been going really, really well and i've come to look forward to them each week.  i kind of love waking up so early, before the sun and the hubby, and having my time to get ready and prep class or walk my pup or just relax on the couch with a mug of tea.  this morning, i found that i had 20 extra mins on my hands and i took some time to reflect on how i used to feel so much anxiety in the pre-dawn hours.  i remember when i was first asked to teach these classes and how i spent some time debating. 

would i feel anxious before every single class?

would i always dread those mornings?

would my anxiety become overbearing?

most people would wonder why i said yes!  but i said yes for a very specific reason - i love to teach.  and just because this class was early in the morning wasn't going to scare me away.  i refused to make a decision on the chance that i'd feel some anxiety.  i conquered so much... why stop now?

and i could have said "i'll teach the class after i make sure i don't have any morning anxious feelings."  but that wouldn't work, because i can't overcome something if i don't face it.  it's kind of like what i call the 'monster under the bed' situation.  as little kids, we might be petrified of a monster under our bed, but our parents know its our little kid minds in overdrive.  just like our anxiety.  we tend to feel fear sometimes over things that don't warrant such an intense reaction (like my anxiety over long car rides).  but if we don't face our fears and check out what's under the bed -which is nothing!- we'll never conquer the fear.  we'll never see that the monster that resides in our minds really doesn't exist and is just fueled by our fears. 

but we do need to be prepared.  we wouldn't just leap off the bed and take a look if someone didn't say to us "there's nothing under there, take a look for yourself."  just as you wouldn't run head first to confront something that causes you anxiety if you didn't know how to yet work through your anxiety. 

we always need to take baby steps to confront our anxieties, but we also need to know how to calm our fears and stress before we have the ability to face our fears and ride out our anxiety.  we need to understand what a panic attack is and why it won't hurt us before we feel confident enough to work through one. 

so i'm glad i said yes to teaching these classes because i'm having a blast doing them.  and every class i teach and don't feel that tiny little itch of anxiousness is a success for me.  granted, i've had a lot of practice working through things that make me anxious!  (the list was long!) but even if i did feel intense fear when having to teach this class, what better way to alleviate it than to teach it and see that i can do it! i have the ability to work through my feelings, face my fears and come out on the other side even stronger. 

i always like to celebrate a success! 


always consult a physician or professional before introducing something new if you have any questions or concerns. 

coping

i'm currently avoiding the task of getting ready to head into new jersey tonight for my uncle's wake. i almost feel like if i don't get ready than none of this is real. it's hard to find comfort in family because they are all suffering and coping as much as i am. i feel my energy is massively displaced, i've pretty much dive-bombed off the running wagon and my mat has remained curled up in the back of my car for days (only seeing the light of day when i unroll it to teach a class). after being couch-bound all weekend with a nasty cold and sore throat i felt unable to muster the strength to do anything after hearing of my uncle's passing so i've pretty much been sidelined for almost a straight week. i'm not feeling like myself. i don't even think i am myself. i'm keeping a stiff upper lip and playing the "rock" card during this time for those that need me to, but i'm slowly crumbling and don't think my brave face will hold up tonight.

these are the times when anxiety finds ways to creep up on us. our defenses are down and we're anywhere BUT in the present moment (the present moment often feels to painful). so i've found other ways to redirect my energy and attention until my brain fully wraps around recent events... i did some soul searching.

great loss (whether it be death, a break up, job-related or a busted friendship) can sometimes guide you into a deeper sense of who you are. struggles can lead to triumphs and sadness can bring closure. we tend to always want to avoid pain and suffering at any cost. i see this a lot in my classes. students struggle and twist and squirm when they find themselves in an uncomfortable pose and i always try to offer a nod to acknowledge their discomfort but also try to remind them that it's ok to just sit with it. it's ok to just be with it. i've spent a lot of time and energy in totally zoning out and i rarely have been talking about how i feel. but tonight i'm going to be face to face with the reality of it and i need to be ok with it.

if i need to cry, then i'll cry. if i need a hug, i'll ask for one. when i see my family hurting, i'll go to them. and when it's time to say good bye, i will. i can't 'check out' because i'm afraid of my feelings and afraid to let go. it's not about me.

i'm giving myself one more half hour and then i'm getting off the couch, out of my pajamas (which i've pretty much been living in lately) and getting ready to face this day. i won't break down, but i'll be sad. and i'll sit with it. and it'll be ok. we'll all be ok. but we'll never make it thru this if we spend more time fighting how we feel than finding solace in healing from it.

Stay in the Moment

No longer forward nor behind
I look in hope and fear;
But grateful take the good I find,
The best of now and here.

-John G. Whittier