i was super excited to see a friend a hadn't seen in months this past weekend. she's a killer hostest and always welcomes my pup (aka the 4-legged love of my life) over with me. she's one of those people i can tell anything to and, like it or not, i'm gonna get back brutal honesty. she's known about my struggles with anxiety since way back when and has always been a supportive structure in my life. so since we hadn't connected in awhile, we had much catching up to do and something she was very interested in was seeing how i was doing with my anxiety.
i lit up and told her i'd been panic attack free for almost 2 years, symptom free (pounding heart, shortness of breath, blurred vision, etc) and i was officially living it up in ways i was previously scared to (two amazing trips booked for the fall!). she was impressed and proud and asked me "so you never even feel anxious anymore?" -insert sound of screeching brakes-
i responded that i absolutely still get anxious, its an emotion. i can't turn it off any more than i could turn off happiness or sadness. what i did turn off is the crippling fear from it. yeah, i get anxious, but it no longer holds me back or escalates into life altering fear. and you guys know how i always share that i still sometimes get anxious in the mornings? well, i've never quit my early classes or turned down early sessions with clients due to the chance i could feel anxious. i used to RUN from whatever caused me even a hint of anxiety. she looked at my quizzically and said "so you're pretty much in the same place you always were with this."
um NO
definitely not
it took me close to 10 years to develop that level of anxiety, the panic attacks, the loop of negative thoughts, the fear, the insecurity....
my healing journey is not one that happens at the flip of a switch! no one's journey is. we can't change overnight... at least, not a lasting change. it takes time to learn what works for us, what helps us alleviate our anxiety, for us to practice overcoming things that scare us, talking and sharing our experiences, learning to meditate or change negative thoughts to positive... oh my gosh! there's no way this happens overnight.
and this got me thinking.. how many people doubt their journey if it doesn't happen in the blink of an eye? how many people give up because they feel they'll "never get it." it took me almost a month before i could work through a panic attack and ward it off and many more months to stop being scared that one could "happen at any moment." we get used to thinking a certain way and dreading certain things, so we have to restructure our entire thought processes and perceptions. and we're not used to doing it. it shocked me that my friend interpreted slow and steady progress, for no progress.
so don't get frustrated if your journey is slower than you'd like it to be or different from someone else's. you are working on making positive, powerful and lasting changes in your life! please stick with it! find your outlets, track negative thoughts, practice positive ones and know that each step along the way is one to be celebrated! and above all else, don't let someone else's perceptions of your journey alter your own perceptions.
Showing posts with label Negative Thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Negative Thoughts. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Sunday, May 30, 2010
testing 1, 2, 3
i was tested yesterday. and it was unlike any pop quiz or final exam i've ever taken. it was harder. it was one i couldn't prep for. and it was one i had to face. and it made me very anxious.
my dinner friday night didn't sit too well with me and i woke up with horrible stomach pains and felt terrible. enter: panic thoughts. anytime my stomach shows the slightest bit of queasiness, i head for the hills (i.e. my bed). i hate stomach aches more than anything else because it always puts me right back into panic mode remembering how i used to suffer with them daily and cause myself to get so upset i'd have a panic attack.
and when that's what we're used to, it's easy to fall victim to that train of thought.
so even now, two years later (completely panic attack free!), i still remember that feeling. i remember the fear of having to drive to work and sit at my desk all day feeling ill. i remember pushing myself through my days and hoping to just make it through hour by hour. and i remember being scared to death about having a panic attack in front of co-workers or my boss or while driving home... i still shudder just thinking about it.
so yesterday i was definitely tested. i was legitimately sick, but it still made me wonder if it was just anxiety. it was hard to de-tach the idea of being sick without the anxiety making me sick. i took a stomach soother and drank some water and began to feel a little better. what made me extra nervous though was that my day was jam packed. literally, from beginning to end. and i was already up at 5:30am feeling gross.
how was i going to get through this day? thoughts of cancelling everything crossed my mind. but i didn't want to bail on my classes. i had a lunch date with a girlfriend i had been looking forward to for days and i had some mini-errands that absolutely had to get done before heading out to another friend's apartment much later that night. eek! i was positively pale at the thought of it all. because when you feel sick or anxious, the last thing you wanna do is go out all day, right? but i knew i had to do it. and i wanted to. i was sick. and that was it. and i was determined to take it one thing at a time and see how i felt. i immediately realized my mind was racing 100 miles an hour, all with bad thoughts about getting sick in front of my class, or bailing last minute on my friend, or being miserable at my friend's place....
so i put up a big 'ol STOP SIGN on those thoughts. and i powered through my day.
and i had no problems.
yes, i was a little icky feeling, but was it the monumental crisis i made it out to be? no.
did i realize immediately that my mind was going crazy with "what ifs?" yes.
and did i take every measure to stop it and refuse to give in to an anxious feeling? hell yes!
so i'm glad to say i passed my test. i did every single thing i wanted to yesterday and put the "scary thoughts" way behind me. i'm feeling sooo much better today and i knew i would, because it's a new day and i can choose how to face it. and if i still felt kind of sick, then i'd cross that bridge when i got to it. i wasn't going to do what i used to do way back when and pre-cancel everything because there was a mere chance i wouldn't be feeling well.
i can face blood, guts and gore... but a stomach ache is my kryptonite - and i beat it!
we'll always be tested and we'll always face things we don't want to, but we have to know we can do it! even if it is a little scary. we are stronger than we think!!
my dinner friday night didn't sit too well with me and i woke up with horrible stomach pains and felt terrible. enter: panic thoughts. anytime my stomach shows the slightest bit of queasiness, i head for the hills (i.e. my bed). i hate stomach aches more than anything else because it always puts me right back into panic mode remembering how i used to suffer with them daily and cause myself to get so upset i'd have a panic attack.
and when that's what we're used to, it's easy to fall victim to that train of thought.
so even now, two years later (completely panic attack free!), i still remember that feeling. i remember the fear of having to drive to work and sit at my desk all day feeling ill. i remember pushing myself through my days and hoping to just make it through hour by hour. and i remember being scared to death about having a panic attack in front of co-workers or my boss or while driving home... i still shudder just thinking about it.
so yesterday i was definitely tested. i was legitimately sick, but it still made me wonder if it was just anxiety. it was hard to de-tach the idea of being sick without the anxiety making me sick. i took a stomach soother and drank some water and began to feel a little better. what made me extra nervous though was that my day was jam packed. literally, from beginning to end. and i was already up at 5:30am feeling gross.
how was i going to get through this day? thoughts of cancelling everything crossed my mind. but i didn't want to bail on my classes. i had a lunch date with a girlfriend i had been looking forward to for days and i had some mini-errands that absolutely had to get done before heading out to another friend's apartment much later that night. eek! i was positively pale at the thought of it all. because when you feel sick or anxious, the last thing you wanna do is go out all day, right? but i knew i had to do it. and i wanted to. i was sick. and that was it. and i was determined to take it one thing at a time and see how i felt. i immediately realized my mind was racing 100 miles an hour, all with bad thoughts about getting sick in front of my class, or bailing last minute on my friend, or being miserable at my friend's place....
so i put up a big 'ol STOP SIGN on those thoughts. and i powered through my day.
and i had no problems.
yes, i was a little icky feeling, but was it the monumental crisis i made it out to be? no.
did i realize immediately that my mind was going crazy with "what ifs?" yes.
and did i take every measure to stop it and refuse to give in to an anxious feeling? hell yes!
so i'm glad to say i passed my test. i did every single thing i wanted to yesterday and put the "scary thoughts" way behind me. i'm feeling sooo much better today and i knew i would, because it's a new day and i can choose how to face it. and if i still felt kind of sick, then i'd cross that bridge when i got to it. i wasn't going to do what i used to do way back when and pre-cancel everything because there was a mere chance i wouldn't be feeling well.
i can face blood, guts and gore... but a stomach ache is my kryptonite - and i beat it!
we'll always be tested and we'll always face things we don't want to, but we have to know we can do it! even if it is a little scary. we are stronger than we think!!
Sunday, February 28, 2010
no laptop... wha wha!?
i've been a little MIA since i've lost access to my laptop. i accidentally snapped the charger wire (don't ask) and when my laptop ran out of battery i fell into emotional dispair. ok, not really. i did get bummed though. hubby came to the rescue by ordering another charger and since he's out for the day i've decided to jump on his PC and fit in a quick blog.
i've been super busy working on new sequencing for my yoga classes, kickbox choreography and compiling new class soundtracks... you know me. i love my music! in between all of that i'm teaching, teaching, teaching like a little crazy person.
anyway, i wanted to get in a quick word about the Yamas and Niyamas i chatted about awhile ago. they are kind of like the moral codes of yoga and i talk about them in my Present Moment Workshop. i wanted to share some of them with you because i really do believe that its not just a matter of changing our energy or actions when healing from anxiety, but its also a matter of changing our thoughts. and those thoughts tend to be negative! we create horrible anticipations with "what ifs" and we tend to make catastrophies out of mole hills. so, let's touch on the first one... AHIMSA. ahimsa is the practice of non violence. now this can be anything from vegetarianism to not saying hurtful things to someone when engaged in an argument... but for those of us with anxiety, we should take extra caution to practice non violence towards ourselves.
stop beating yourself up! healing is a journey, not just a destination. and we all know anxiety is an emotion, so it will never just go away. we need to learn from it, understand it and put effort into helping ourselves. be aware of negative thoughts! my yoga practice really helped me create an awareness of my thoughts and meditation time helped me change old patterns and work on clearing the mind to keep it at peace. i recognize if my thoughts are crazy out of control or completely not logical. i didn't always used to be able to do this. i used to hang out with negative people, i used to feed into my negative energy and i never missed an opportunity to put myself down. i'd never treat another person as badly as i treated myself. when i realized this... i began to keep track of my negativity and my scary thoughts. if something anxious came up and my thoughts began to spin out of control, i took a time out and put all my thoughts on paper to clear my mind and worked on changing those negative, bad and scary thoughts to logical, calm and rational thoughts. it helps! and i used to underestimate the power of positivity and self kindness.
do you tend to hang out on the negative side? have you ever tried to see the good in scary situations or do you just jump to anticipating the worst? do you ever take the time to think about your thoughts??
try it today! keep track with little tally marks or numbers. see at the end of the day how many negative, bad thoughts you have and how strongly they impact your anxiety. they feed into it. after becoming aware of your thoughts you can have better control over switching the patterns. break the negative habit for a positive one. talk yourself logically through anxious situations and make an effort to create happy and positive "what ifs." create affirmations for yourself that remind you how incredible you are and how dedicated to this journey you are. and of course include the fact that you are strong and you can do this! you may find thinking about your thoughts eye opening.
i've been super busy working on new sequencing for my yoga classes, kickbox choreography and compiling new class soundtracks... you know me. i love my music! in between all of that i'm teaching, teaching, teaching like a little crazy person.
anyway, i wanted to get in a quick word about the Yamas and Niyamas i chatted about awhile ago. they are kind of like the moral codes of yoga and i talk about them in my Present Moment Workshop. i wanted to share some of them with you because i really do believe that its not just a matter of changing our energy or actions when healing from anxiety, but its also a matter of changing our thoughts. and those thoughts tend to be negative! we create horrible anticipations with "what ifs" and we tend to make catastrophies out of mole hills. so, let's touch on the first one... AHIMSA. ahimsa is the practice of non violence. now this can be anything from vegetarianism to not saying hurtful things to someone when engaged in an argument... but for those of us with anxiety, we should take extra caution to practice non violence towards ourselves.
stop beating yourself up! healing is a journey, not just a destination. and we all know anxiety is an emotion, so it will never just go away. we need to learn from it, understand it and put effort into helping ourselves. be aware of negative thoughts! my yoga practice really helped me create an awareness of my thoughts and meditation time helped me change old patterns and work on clearing the mind to keep it at peace. i recognize if my thoughts are crazy out of control or completely not logical. i didn't always used to be able to do this. i used to hang out with negative people, i used to feed into my negative energy and i never missed an opportunity to put myself down. i'd never treat another person as badly as i treated myself. when i realized this... i began to keep track of my negativity and my scary thoughts. if something anxious came up and my thoughts began to spin out of control, i took a time out and put all my thoughts on paper to clear my mind and worked on changing those negative, bad and scary thoughts to logical, calm and rational thoughts. it helps! and i used to underestimate the power of positivity and self kindness.
do you tend to hang out on the negative side? have you ever tried to see the good in scary situations or do you just jump to anticipating the worst? do you ever take the time to think about your thoughts??
try it today! keep track with little tally marks or numbers. see at the end of the day how many negative, bad thoughts you have and how strongly they impact your anxiety. they feed into it. after becoming aware of your thoughts you can have better control over switching the patterns. break the negative habit for a positive one. talk yourself logically through anxious situations and make an effort to create happy and positive "what ifs." create affirmations for yourself that remind you how incredible you are and how dedicated to this journey you are. and of course include the fact that you are strong and you can do this! you may find thinking about your thoughts eye opening.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
I can, I get to, I like to...
now here are words we don't hear (or say!) very often.
i can, i get to, i like to...
yesterday i read a blog dedicated to these words and i can't stop thinking about it. when anxious it's easy to surround ourselves with the "i can'ts, i shouldn'ts, i don't want to's." how often though do we really stop and think about the opposite?
two days ago i hurt my knee. nothing serious, but enough to cause a little hobble and quite a few stares. my hubby seized the opportunity to tell me that maybe i should lay off some of my workouts because between the race training and all the spin classes (packed in so i can finish my certification) i'm OD'ing a bit on the heavy cardio. however, the mere thought of stopping my training (over a knee that was a tad sore) or holding back on my certification nearly drove me to tears. i enjoy this. it's stress relief. it's fun for me. so i promised to stick to some rest and be a good patient. by the next morning my knee was feeling much better and yesterday i returned to spin feeling great. and by the time we hit that first 'big hill' and piled on the resistance instead of feeling self defeating and telling myself how hard this was or how intensely my legs were burning, i thought to myself i'm so lucky my knee is better and i can rock this hill!
something as simple as a sore knee really changed my whole mindset. and this brings me back to the blog i mentioned. something happened to this blogger that changed her whole attitude towards things. every time she did something, no matter how mundane it seemed, she felt lucky to be able to do it. how awesome to get a dose of that every now and then!
so rather than waiting for something to happen that changes our mindset, let's create the change on our own! what are some things you can't wait to do, that you get to do or that you can do?
I CAN:
*run my 5k
*take any spin class i want
*walk my dog (even though it may be pouring rain!)
I GET TO:
*come home every day to an apartment i love even though it may not be perfect or a mansion
*look forward to time with friends and family
I LIKE TO:
*try new workouts and test my physical limits
*work towards improving my yoga practice but can be content with where i am each step of the way
*try new recipes even if i'm not the best cook
there are so many more to add to the list. and whether it be something life-changing or anxiety that keeps the negative thoughts swirling, you always have the power to change them. if you feel frustrated or closed off because of anxiety, start thinking and believing that you have the ability to change it! working through my anxiety brought me so much closer to the person i wanted to be so i always look at it as a blessing in disguise. anxiety gave me the push to work hard and create change and encourage growth... because if i didn't i would've sat back and watched my life slip away.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
negative spinning
i've dubbed my endless cycles of worrying 'negative spinning' because the racing thoughts mimic spinning out of control. we've all been there at some point. our mind is creatively whipping up doom and gloom situations that we waste endless amounts of time obsessively worrying about and feverishly working to avoid. my husband called me out on my negative spinning concerning our upcoming trip to europe.
so we leave next friday and while i find myself exhilarated at the thought of 2 weeks adventuring around europe, i also find myself equal parts worried. what if our flight is delayed and we miss our cruise departure? what if our luggage gets lost? what if our planned excursions get mixed up and/or canceled? what if there's very little vegetarian options to eat? what if...what if... what if...
my mind is extremely creative when coming up with 'what if' scenarios. however, what about the fun WHAT IFs? WHAT IF this is one of the most memorable trips of my life? WHAT IF my husband and i meet amazing people? WHAT IF we get to experience things we never thought we would? WHAT IF we become fulfilled in more ways than we can imagine? and the one 'what if' i should be most concerned about.... WHAT IF i never want to leave!
why isn't my mind spinning out of control with these fabulous thoughts? i've spent a lot of time picking up fun things for the trip including $100 worth of books (yes, it's an addiction) and piles of new clothes that i finally get to wear! we've poured over websites and booked mind blowing excursions that promise fun and adventure. so why am i only consumed with thoughts of lost luggage?
so forget it! i'm throwing caution to the wind (well, any caution left over after i finish all my vacation prep!) and i'm taking this trip for what it is... an amazing trip full of fun, inspiration, experience and of course, tons of uninterrupted time with my incredible hubby. so here's to fun and being carefree! and anytime i catch myself 'negative spinning' i'm going to plan out a fabulous outfit for dinner in venice or imagine the sights we'll see strolling through croatia. we've waited a long time for this trip and i absolutely refuse to let useless negative spinning ruin this for me.
image: yahoo travel
Monday, May 18, 2009
Thoughts on Thoughts
Ever notice how sometimes our thoughts can make a crummy situation even more miserable? I had no idea how powerful my thoughts were until I was forced to face them. My thoughts could turn normal stress into a full blown panic attack and make me truly believe that if I left my house or attempted to step outside of my comfort zone something horrific would happen. And even though deep down I knew better, my thoughts called the shots.
There's nothing worse than feeling the first pangs of stress and anxiety. I used to feel it in the pit of my stomach. Then my entire chest would sieze up and my fingers and toes would get ice cold and ultimately become numb. Then, as if watching a movie in slow motion, I could mentally predict each thing that would happen to me as I began to launch into a panic attack. And at times, I felt there was nothing I could do about it but freak out. Initial thoughts went something like this...
OMG, I'm going to lose it and EVERYONE is going to see me have a panic attack!
Oh no, I'm going to get sick, I just know it. I'm going to get sick in front of everyone!
I gotta get outta here RIGHT NOW! I can't let anyone see this happen to me... they'll think I'm crazy!
It took me a long, long time to learn to ride it out and work on not letting my thoughts get the best of me. And like I've said many times before, anxiety never goes away... what does change is our ability to cope with it. So armed with my "anti-anxiety tool belt" (which included knowledge on breathing, stress relieving yoga poses and the confidence in positive thoughts) now I just ride anxiety out. I've been panic attack free for awhile (knock on wood) but I still get feelings of anxiousness. Instead of perpetuating it through scary thoughts and doubt, I talk myself through it and actually try to just sit with it... weird at first, but pretty cool once you get the hang of it. I go through my entire body and notice what it's feeling and how my thoughts impact what I feel. I stay connected to myself and in the moment.
Have you ever taken time to sit through an anxious episode or crappy experience? Where you ever able to change the situation and feelings by utilizing your thoughts?
There's nothing worse than feeling the first pangs of stress and anxiety. I used to feel it in the pit of my stomach. Then my entire chest would sieze up and my fingers and toes would get ice cold and ultimately become numb. Then, as if watching a movie in slow motion, I could mentally predict each thing that would happen to me as I began to launch into a panic attack. And at times, I felt there was nothing I could do about it but freak out. Initial thoughts went something like this...
OMG, I'm going to lose it and EVERYONE is going to see me have a panic attack!
Oh no, I'm going to get sick, I just know it. I'm going to get sick in front of everyone!
I gotta get outta here RIGHT NOW! I can't let anyone see this happen to me... they'll think I'm crazy!
It took me a long, long time to learn to ride it out and work on not letting my thoughts get the best of me. And like I've said many times before, anxiety never goes away... what does change is our ability to cope with it. So armed with my "anti-anxiety tool belt" (which included knowledge on breathing, stress relieving yoga poses and the confidence in positive thoughts) now I just ride anxiety out. I've been panic attack free for awhile (knock on wood) but I still get feelings of anxiousness. Instead of perpetuating it through scary thoughts and doubt, I talk myself through it and actually try to just sit with it... weird at first, but pretty cool once you get the hang of it. I go through my entire body and notice what it's feeling and how my thoughts impact what I feel. I stay connected to myself and in the moment.
Have you ever taken time to sit through an anxious episode or crappy experience? Where you ever able to change the situation and feelings by utilizing your thoughts?
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