techie time out

every now and then i tune out of technology. i don't blog a lot, or comment on other blogs, or even tweet or facebook much. these time outs are something i brought into my life when i see myself becoming a little too dependent on them ::insert blushing, embarrassed emoticon here::

i realized about two weeks ago that i was getting caught up in too much online and TV time, so i put  myself on a time-out and re-energized myself. when things get hectic, my running and yoga-ing and reading and meditating tends to fall a bit to the wayside -oops!- and my "turn on the TV and zone out for a couple of hours" becomes my routine. so, after much introspection and reflection, i've come back to play!

and here's my question of the day: why do you yoga?

i was asked what the benefits of yoga are the other day in class. it was a young girl, in her teens, that was super new to yoga and expressed confusion as to why someone really practices yoga. i prefaced my response by telling her she was going to get a seriously abridged version -otherwise i'd still be answering her question on her thirtieth birthday- and i told her people practice for very unique reasons.

for example, i came to yoga purely for the emotional aspect of it. i was seeking relief from a painful and life-consuming anxiety disorder and was craving the emotional release. some people adore the physical aspect of the practice and thrive on rockin' out a power vinyasa. my practice has recently evolved into the Ashtanga primary series as i now seek some of my yoga practice to complement my running and keep my body fit, toned and healthy. i also expressed how some people love bhakti yoga and kirtan and really connect to the spiritual side.  i am not a religious person by any means, but yoga has brought me more into a spiritual connection that i didn't think i had within myself. 

so, as you can see (at this point her eyes were glazing over) people practice for the physical aspect, the spiritual connection, the emotional release, the fun, the structure, the relaxation... its limitless!  and it is always changing.  as my life changes, so do the things i need out of my practice. 

so why do you practice your yoga? is it the same reason you started practicing? how has your reason for practice changed during your life?

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Life List

a fabulous fellow yogini commented about my Life List and suggested sharing more of it with you. as i love hearing from you guys- i was more than happy to share some more snippets of it

in no particular order...

Bonnie's Life List ... so far

1- explore every place i visit by going for a run (would love my sneakers to touch at least 2 foreign places before getting a new pair!)

2- sipping wine in a hot air balloon

3- take a volunteer vacation to someplace i wouldn't normally travel to

4- learn a language - would love it to be french!

5- take a raw foods and vegan cooking class

6- open a yoga studio

7- begin to host Present Moment workshops in other states

8- write a book (this is a BIG one for me!)

9- run the San Diego Rock 'n Roll marathon

10- drink wine and snack on cheese in Paris

11- live in Paris for a few months, possibly have an apartment there to travel to whenever i want

12- renew my vows with my husband in some exotic location on the beach for our 5yr anniversary

13- meet the President

14- get pilots license

15- go skiing in Switzerland

16- pray in India

17- create/work on a documentary exploring anxiety and holistic health /healthcare

18- create a non-prof focused on helping people dealing with anxiety, OCD, hoarding, self mutilation, depression, etc.

19- learn to dance -ballroom and hip hop and swing

20- learn to surf in Australia

21- own my own company (or yoga studio) and have hubby quit his job and work with me

some of these i've already done and some i hope to do really soon! i'd also LOVE to take a girls trip up to kripalu annually or host my own yogini retreat one day... ahh, so many dreams, so little time!

what are some things on your life list?

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september, thy intention is compassion

i was really excited to find an opening in my schedule to take a yoga class at one of the studios i teach at. i try to fit in studio practices whenever i can and had not been able to make this one in a long time. so i ran, not walked, to the studio happily toting my hot pink mat. before practice started, the teacher guided us through a mini-meditation that focused on loving and caring for yourself.  she explained how september is a time for transition - everything from toddlers going to school for the first time to fall making an appearance - and during these times we need to pay special attention to how our minds and bodies react.  she encouraged us to go deep inside our ourselves and sit with our intentions and feelings. i had a lot going on in there, let me tell you!  i never realized how transitional this time truly is.  and its more than just my practice.  i have a lot changing around me... classes and schedule changes, being in between traveling, big birthday for the hubby coming up, among other things. 

so let's all make a pact with ourselves to honor this time of change.

how can we do this?

*journal our feelings and experiences to create awareness

*know when to take savasana instead of sun salutations

*plan one personal indulgence a week - a bath, a movie in bed, a glass of wine with friends or catching up on some reading at starbucks

*mani/pedi

*solo drive

*meditate on the intention of compassion

* or if you can swing it, a weekend jaunt to someplace fun

what are some things you do to take care of yourself and show a lil love?

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do we create our own paths?

i ordered some books over the weekend and one in particular that caught my eye was a 30- day plan to create the life of your dreams.  it got me so curious that i had to toss it in my amazon cart.  30 days to re-program your path?  or create a whole new journey?  interesting, no?

it begs me to wonder... do we have a journey already laid out for us and there really are no coincidences or are we destined to take the reigns and create our very own unique life path?

my life path has recently taken a slight detour and i find myself thinking about this a lot.  am i in control of what i want and how to get it or am i supposed to sit back and let life unfold and trust that whatever happens is meant to happen and i'll eventually get to where i need to be?

this, as you can imagine, causes me some stress and anxiety.  i enjoy having plans and goals.  i like being able to "see my future" so to speak.  but, best laid plans fell to the wayside and i'm left wondering if i'm supposed to change my entire future or if my plans were supposed to fall apart because i'm meant for something else. 

what do you think?  are we in control of our destiny or do we have a pre-determined path? 

and if you think we already have a journey laid out for us, do you think we can change it if we don't like it?  or do you subscribe to the belief that everything will always work out just as it's supposed to? 

where did the week go?

since i'm officially back to real, solid food (woo-hoo!) i am really looking forward to the weekend. i was getting nervous that i'd still be sick for it and hubby and i have fun plans. sunday we're heading into the city to the museum of modern art to check out a tim burton exhibit. totally looking forward to the creativity and eye candy. plus, i love the city. there's just something really invigorating about it. i think i'm an urban girl at heart.

so my stomach virus is finally gone and my energy level is slowly returning back to normal. stomach ailments are particularly hard for me to deal with as it makes me launch right back into those moments when i experienced nothing but pure panic attacks for hours at a time.

my biggest symptom of anxiety was stomach trouble. i would feel ill, nauseous and have an overwhelming fear of panic if i wasn't within a 30 second distance to a bathroom so that if i did get sick at least i could try to hide it.

needless to say, pushing through my week of classes, clients and events (getting by with the help of copious amounts of stomach soothing OTCs) was pretty challenging. it made me anxious. it made me remember what it felt like to live in the grips of anxiety once again.

once i began to feel better, the anxiety of getting sick again launched me into a mini-panic. but i went on with my days, my classes, my work and my life as i wanted to. i refused to let the fear of a stomach virus or stomach problem hold me back. and i'm glad i didn't. i could've stayed curled up in bed for days "just to make sure" that i was perfectly healthy before venturing out, but i didn't. i couldn't. and i wouldn't let my mind get the best of me. if i felt anxious when heading out for a class i turned to my deep, three part breath. i did quick forward folds to get a stress-relieving asana in. and i made sure to monitor my food and diet to guarantee i was eating the best food for my body i possibly could.

it just shows that anxiety never really goes away. but what does go away are the heart pounding anxiety attacks or panic moments. what do you have in your "anti-anxiety" tool belt? what do you turn to in times of stress or anxiety? what are your triggers (my stomach is my sore spot!)? do you have a relaxation ritual?

as you relieve your stress and anxiety, learn what works for you and what doesn't. know what kinds of situations heighten your stress levels. anxiety is an emotion we're bound to feel, but panic attacks don't have to be!

greeting 2010 with open arms

happy new year loves!

now i know that every new day offers us the opportunity for growth and movement within our journey, but there is just something so magical to me about new years eve. something special about watching that sparkling ball fall in beloved times square. something inspiring about knowing that i'm going to wake up to a whole new year. a year filled with promise and adventure, personal growth and fresh aspirations. just writing about it makes me smile!

yesterday i spent a lot of time pondering my 2009 journey and today i'd like to spend time creating my 2010 journey.

here are some of my goals & aspirations:

* complete a 10k
*train for disney half marathon for jan 2011
*do something physically challenging everyday to remind myself that i'm capable of anything
*experiment a lot more with raw foodism, hopefully being 65-75% raw by next year
*commit more time to growing friendships and appreciate all the people i'm blessed with having in my life
*put together a fundraising walk for Discover & Recover
*stay true to my perception of yoga and my practice
*share yoga with everyone i can!!
*make more time for personal reflection time: journaling, collages, blogging, reading, getting inspired
*reminding myself daily to release self doubt, grudges, judgement and negativity
*start a morning gratitude ritual
*keep space in my life on and off the mat- be wary of over scheduling and over stressing.
*strive to be the best me i can be for everyone around me
*travel to another country
*travel as much as i can

ok so after listing that all out i feel like maybe one year isn't enough! some of these are 'outside' goals like running accomplishments and taking as many yoga classes as i can and booking lots of fun trips. and i definitely made sure to have 'inside' goals like letting go of my grudges, working on being a positive force for those around me and keeping my anxiety and stress in check (a constant for me).

i'm sure this list will change as the year progresses - which is cool because i totally obtain the right to change my mind at any given time (haha) ! - but that's what makes it fun. it's the adventure of it all. and hey, maybe that's a goal too. APPRECIATE THE ADVENTURE OF IT ALL. i've spent waaaay to much of my life stressing it away. i was doom 'n gloom girl more often than i care to admit. every day i break free a little more and i'm so thankful for that.... and yoga (which who knows where i'd be had this gift not come into my life).

what are some of your aspirations and intentions for 2010? how will you appreciate your adventure?

and, in the spirit of goals and aspirations, i'd like to do one right now - gratitude!

i love all of you! i thank you for sharing in my journey, i thank you for supporting me, i thank you for feedback and just being YOU! THANK YOU!

peace+love

listen up

i had one of those perfect saturdays that leaves you in a state of pure bliss. it started out with my favorite spin class where we rock out to metallica, the stones, the who, meatloaf and guns and roses. i've never found a true rock and roll spin class until this one and i've made it my new mission to never miss it. after spin, i was all smiles as i made my way home to freshen up for my three hour anusara yoga workshop. i got to see some familiar faces there and worked.. hard! it was three hours of tailbone tucking and inner spiraling and deep breathing and handstands (my least graceful pose of the day!). after getting my yoga on, i headed over to crumbs - possibly the most amazing cupcake bakery on the planet - and picked up four amazing cupcakes for the hubby and i. when i got home, i headed out for a run and was able to squeeze in 1.5 miles before settling in for the night.

i awoke sunday still feeling blissed out. i taught a class and then went out for a 3 miler. my state of bliss must've affected my better judgement because my body was tired. i pushed through a tough two miles before finding my stride in my third. just as i was about to finish strong, i came down awkwardly on my right foot and hurt my knee (read: bliss starting to fade).

once home i had to cancel bridesmaid dress shopping because i developed a rather embarrassing hobble and i curled up on the couch to ease the soreness. luckily it was football sunday, and anyone who knows me knows i love my football. so i was able to relax and kind of tune out for a bit.

i definitely should have listened to my body a little more. i pushed when i should've relaxed. and towards the middle of the night i woke up terribly ill which really forced me to slow down and cancel all pre-planned workouts for today.

its so easy to overexert and tune out what we know we should be listening to. because i refused to leave that high after all of saturday's events, i used that feeling to determine how hard i should run the next day and clearly what i really needed to sustain the bliss was a day of relaxation. so today, besides teaching a few classes, i've stayed couch-bound and curled under blankets. i left the errand running for tomorrow and the workouts for when i'm feeling stronger. and i'm ok with that. i'm not feeling lazy or sluggish. i deserve this rest just as much as i deserve running, yoga and working out. even good things can be way overdone!

chalk this up to another lesson learned.

Thoughts on Thoughts

Ever notice how sometimes our thoughts can make a crummy situation even more miserable? I had no idea how powerful my thoughts were until I was forced to face them. My thoughts could turn normal stress into a full blown panic attack and make me truly believe that if I left my house or attempted to step outside of my comfort zone something horrific would happen. And even though deep down I knew better, my thoughts called the shots.

There's nothing worse than feeling the first pangs of stress and anxiety. I used to feel it in the pit of my stomach. Then my entire chest would sieze up and my fingers and toes would get ice cold and ultimately become numb. Then, as if watching a movie in slow motion, I could mentally predict each thing that would happen to me as I began to launch into a panic attack. And at times, I felt there was nothing I could do about it but freak out. Initial thoughts went something like this...

OMG, I'm going to lose it and EVERYONE is going to see me have a panic attack!

Oh no, I'm going to get sick, I just know it. I'm going to get sick in front of everyone!

I gotta get outta here RIGHT NOW! I can't let anyone see this happen to me... they'll think I'm crazy!

It took me a long, long time to learn to ride it out and work on not letting my thoughts get the best of me. And like I've said many times before, anxiety never goes away... what does change is our ability to cope with it. So armed with my "anti-anxiety tool belt" (which included knowledge on breathing, stress relieving yoga poses and the confidence in positive thoughts) now I just ride anxiety out. I've been panic attack free for awhile (knock on wood) but I still get feelings of anxiousness. Instead of perpetuating it through scary thoughts and doubt, I talk myself through it and actually try to just sit with it... weird at first, but pretty cool once you get the hang of it. I go through my entire body and notice what it's feeling and how my thoughts impact what I feel. I stay connected to myself and in the moment.

Have you ever taken time to sit through an anxious episode or crappy experience? Where you ever able to change the situation and feelings by utilizing your thoughts?

Art of Procrastination

I know a lot of people that fall victim to procrastination, myself being the biggest one of all! I'm going to confess - I hate when I realize that I've left something for the very last minute and am forced to drop everything else I want to do to tend to something I'd rather forget about!

Having gone through the stress and anxiety of procrastination one too many times, I've decided to make a commitment to myself. No more procrastination. It'll definitely be a challenge... keeping up with this commitment is an act of non-procrastination in and of itself. I realize that a lot of people (again, myself included) seem to procrastinate the most with personal things. I'm more prone to keep a promise or commitment to someone else before I'll keep one to myself. I'll work my bum off trying to motivate someone else into doing something positive before I motivate myself. I'll promise myself that I'll make it to the gym, but then spend so much time taking care of errands and to-do's that by the time I wanted to go to the gym, I'm beat and I bail out. I encourage people to pamper themselves and treat themselves every now and then, but neglect to treat myself.

This week has been an eye opener for me with my tendencies to put things off until "later." When I came home to a stack of bills, a pile of laundry and a flooded inbox after my trip I realized that I inadvertently left everything on my to-do list until after I got back. I spent a lot of time before the trip running errands, shopping and pretty much getting everything in order for the trip. Anything unrelated to the trip fell into my "I'll do it later" category. As you can see, I tend to fall short on the ability to balance multiple things as well. I was consumed with going away, rather then balancing what was going on at home with what needed to be prepped for florida. I didn't even realize how much I left for myself to do until I actually sat down and got everything done this morning! I had yoga and gym classes planned for this week, a visit to the park with the dog and some fun stuff I wanted to get done... and most fell to the wayside because i over packed myself without realizing it.... all thanks to my superior procrastination skills.

So this is my promise to myself- no more procrastinating. No more putting things off until tomorrow. And this holds true for fun things too! Leaving everything until the last minute or putting off so many tasks that you're inundated with work by the end of the week causes immense stress and anxiety... and avoidable stress and anxiety!

If a project or task seems huge and you just don't want to deal with it, break it down into parts. Then try to accomplish at least one of those parts each day until the task is complete. If you have a few things to get done and some are dreaded things for you, spread them out... don't leave all of the dreaded tasks for the end. Do some fun stuff, then some stuff that has to get done, then the stuff you really don't want to do but have to do and then repeat that cycle until you're finished with everything!

Make a commitment to yourself to not procrastinate. Write out everything you need/want to get done and go do it! And schedule "you" time in there too! I have officially blocked out two full hours of "me" time for the gym tomorrow. Honor your promises to yourself as you would to a friend. We have enough stress in our lives... why let procrastination add to it!?

Not Just Liking Yoga... Living Yoga

I'm kind of a nerd at heart and love to learn. I recently became obsessed with nonfiction books after being faithful to fun fiction for many years. I'm constantly looking for new yoga workshops to go to (fingers crossed I got into one tomorrow night on the chakras!) and I'm a sucker for a good documentary (I have Panic permanently saved to my DVR). I love when learning is ongoing and there's always something new happening. Maybe this is why I like yoga. There's an endless amount of info out there on it and numerous paths to follow. It's all so personal too. Not like learning trig which, I don't know about you, but I found unbelievably difficult because I could never find a way to relate to it. I've become very passionate about not just liking yoga, but living yoga. And while you'll find that I relate some yogic philosophies to anxiety, I also relate them to my everyday life.

I'm a big fan of the yamas and niyamas - which serve as ethical guidelines in yoga, the moral beliefs. I love to learn new ways to apply them to what's happening in my life and I've put a little modern spin on them!

NIYAMAS

Samtosha - this means contentment. I no longer get caught up in the game of "who has what" anymore. I steer clear of comparing myself to others. I don't believe that money buys happiness and I don't strive to be independently wealthy. I'm not angry if I don't look graceful in a pose or if I can't keep up with my hubby when we play tennis. I'm no longer in turmoil about stepping on the scale. I'm happy being me. I'm not perfect, rich or famous - and that's totally ok. When I'm feeling down on myself (which lets face it, we all have personal pity parties every now and then!) I make a list of everything i'm grateful for and happy about. Rather than focus on what you don't have, focus on what you do have. Be happy being you.

Shauca - means pureness. I take this to heart with my body and my diet. I keep my mind and body healthy with pure, clean foods and work up a good sweat in workouts to detoxify. I also keep my emotions pure by staying away from the endless cycle of negative and self-damaging thoughts. I look at this as a way to keep purity in my life and not get bogged down by things that hurt me physically, emotionally or mentally. Your body is your temple - treat it as such.

Svadhyaya - means self study. I am a big fan of introspection. It's one of the main ways I came to understand the root causes of my anxiety and I practice this when I'm feeling out of sorts. I also practice this during meditation. Just as you want to know everything about a person when you first meet them, I want to know everything about myself! There's so many layers and each one is affected by different things. Knowing myself, truly knowing who I am, helps me to understand how and why I react as I do, and also gives me the ability to change it. I don't take feelings for granted anymore - now I give them the third degree!

Tapas - this means austerity. I was taught that tapas literally means ' to burn ' and it's practiced when you're "burning" through a difficult situation. I kind of relate it to patience (which at times, I tend to have very little of). What can I learn if I don't use patience to understand. Things get frustrating, things get annoying, life is life. But having the dedication to work through a problem and have the patience to understand what's happening is a blessing.

Ishvara pranidhana - means to surrender. This was a life lesson I learned the hard way. Again, just to keep it consistant, I'll give the example of my anxiety. I used to fight panic attacks and anxiety desperately. I never wanted to accept the reality of it. But after practicing ishvara pranidhana, I learned to float through the attacks and anxiety and accept it for what it was - anxiety. Anxiety that I would be able to heal from. When you're faced with a big issue, don't bang your head against a wall looking for an immediate answer. Sometimes letting go and allowing the universe to take it's course is the best solution. You can't control the world. You can't fight the world. Don't force control over your life - befriend it and let it help you along your way.

So there you have it - the 5 niyamas. love 'em! Hope you can find ways to relate these philosophies to your life... because sometimes it's nice to have some help in the shape of guidelines.

And don't worry - the yamas are next!

Guide to Life

Now I stumbled upon yoga in a quest for natural rehabilitation from anxiety. The more and more I learn, the more connected it all seems to be. I actually feel that there is a reason I’m here. I think there is a reason that I stumbled upon this school, teaching these lessons, with these other students. I’m definitely the lowest on the totem pole and have much to learn… but it’s just all connected. I think I said it before… but the purpose of yoga is the quiet the mind, body and subtle body (soul). Ok tears right there! This is what I’ve been looking for! Once everything is quiet you can get closer to seeing your essence. Now I know this sounds heady and intense and some people don’t even buy into it, but something was said yesterday that gave me chills. We’re currently doing a practice where once a day, every day, we give something away. Now I’ve had some trouble with this. During class yesterday we all talked about our experiences and what they mean. And while I was gearing up to go into the whole “it makes me feel so good to share my things with other people” I heard others not only being totally honest, but feeling the same way I do. It hurts to give stuff away! It’s MY stuff. I worked hard for it. It takes some effort to hand it over to someone else. Have I done it? Yes. Does it still hurt? Hell yeah, it does! My teacher said that this shows us how attached we are to possessions. Totally didn’t see that coming. I thought the point of this exercise was to make us feel good…. Not show us the pain we feel because of our attachment. Chills. The more we possess, the more our things possess us. And the more attachment we have… the less able we will be to let go and get closer to seeing who we really are… or our essence.

We spent a lot of time on the yoga sutras. There are 4 padas (or sections) within the yoga sutras. I am so intrigued by these sutras. To sum it up as best I understand… the yoga sutras act as a map for people at different levels of yoga experience. It’s like a map. It tells you how to get from point A (when you first start yoga) to point B (finding your essence). It explains that there will be obstacles and names them. It tells you how to overcome these obstacles. It really gives guidance for your yoga journey. Could you imagine if we had something like this in life! How amazing! It would describe the journey from child to adult and be littered with useful information such as… unless you are going to be a math teacher you’ll probably never use calculus, things that happen in high school aren’t as earth shattering as you believe them to be, you will grow apart from some of your very best friends, and labor may hurt but the reward at the end of pregnancy is far greater than the pain. Could you imagine if you had guidance to life? And it’s not something that predicts every action you make because there is no fun in that. It’s merely advice for you to take during your inner trip.

I’m nowhere close at this point to seeing my essence. I still don’t truly know who I am. But I’m excited to learn. And I think the most fabulous thing is that we all have an essence. It’s not who we are on the outside or what we do that defines us. What a monumental concept (for me anyway!). So simple and yet so freeing at the same time.

Good Listener

Against my better judgment, I picked up a copy of the Wall Street Journal and read it while I ate breakfast at my desk this morning. For my job, it’s important that I keep up with the news. However, the news is so dismal that when I actually take a step back and think about where our economy is I can’t believe it’s gotten this bad. I sometimes feel like I’ve been running around with my hands over my eyes. And while I’ll admit that I prefer Vogue over the Times and re-runs of 90210 to CNN, I sometimes wish that I’d sit up and pay attention to what is happening around me before it’s too late.

I’m a huge advocate of introspection. While my “perhaps if I close my eyes it will all go away” mentality of dealing with the negative and upsetting news may seem like it works, it’s not a good way to deal with burgeoning anxiety. It’s actually not a good way to deal with anything. I know I don’t pick up the paper very often (insert embarrassed emoticon here) but every time I do it shows me just how out of the loop I really am. I pick up bits and pieces and probably even enough to get by, but it’s not really enough. Once I saw that I was mimicking this with my anxiety, I immediately stopped and ripped every self-help book off the shelf and tagged each anxiety website I came across. I educated myself on anxiety… the symptoms, the feelings, what goes on in the body, the mind, how it affects me, how it affects others… It is near impossible to solve a problem when you don’t know the facts. And it’s also hard when in the throes of anxiety to stop and work your way –logically- thru it. People with anxiety are emotional reactors. But people with anxiety are also creative, analytical and compassionate. Something that helps me a lot is sitting down and just thinking about things. I need to concentrate and really crawl inside myself to see what’s going on. Recently I’ve been plagued with a rather difficult bout of anxiety. I’ll admit… my first reaction was frustration and disappointment. After all, I hadn’t had anxious feelings in quite some time (yay me!). But, after closer inspection, here’s what I came up with:
1) Hubby was going to be away for work for a few days
2) I had to skip the gym for a whole week
3) I had to rearrange a lot of my sched to accommodate hubby being away
4) I didn’t have anything to do after work

These 4 things for me are a recipe for disaster. The gym is my release. I need the gym. I need the “me time” it gives me. It also releases a lot of pent up frustration that I subconsciously hold onto. My husband being away always upsets me. I enjoy his company and love being around him and I’ve never really been to hyped up on alone time. Rearranging my schedule and trying to take care of all our combined responsibilities by myself has caused me some stress and the kicker… not having anything to do. That sends me into a tailspin. Boredom is the minds worst enemy. At least for me it is! That’s when I spend my time worrying about EVERYTHING because I’m not occupied with anything else. So yes, I had a tough week. But when I took the time to sit down and internally sort out what was going on… I realized my anxiety was the external reaction to what was going on internally. See how important that is? I was so quick to get frustrated and angered by the anxiety (emotion reaction alert!) that I didn’t think to take the time to see what was really bothering me. And once I did, the anxiety dissolved. I talked myself thru it, addressed my concerns (of course I’m anxious with the increased responsibilities, it’s a lot. But I’ll get it done, and if I don’t its no big deal) and let it go. I love introspection, but it takes time to figure it out. Your answers are always there. They may be hidden inside and under layers of emotions, but they are there. That “little voice” or the nagging feeling in the pit of your stomach… those feelings are answers. And if you take the time to listen to yourself, you may be surprised at what you hear.

Hitting Traffic on My Journey

I can’t believe it’s Monday again. This past weekend absolutely flew by. I had to get up early for yoga on Saturday and was there until almost 5pm. I came home exhausted but invigorated. The class started with an hour yoga session during which I began to cry because it is just such a relief to quiet my brain and anxious thoughts that even it only happens for a minute… the release is so amazingly therapeutic that the only place for the emotion to come out is thru tears. Then we followed that with about 7hrs of learning about and practicing yoga moves. We finished with 35 minutes of salutations to the sun. All in all, it was perfect. We ordered in dinner when I got home because I was beyond tired and the thought of preparing dinner almost made me cry again. On Sunday, I leaped from bed early enough to warrant getting ready and was out the door again before 10am for more yoga. Yoga is intoxicating. And it’s addicting. I leave there feeling so grounded, so safe and so healthy. I walk taller, I speak stronger and I come home excited to show my hubby what I learned. After yoga on Sunday I practically floated over to the book store and picked up (brace yourself) Rachel Zoe’s style book. I sunk into bed and almost read it cover to cover. I had the Chanel movie on in the background and soaked up the fabulousness of having nothing to do. It was a great night.

I’m trying to pull back those relaxed memories and feelings from over the weekend as I sit at my desk pushing thru the day. I want so badly to be home. Hubby keeps calling me, so I know he’s feeling the Monday Blues as well. All we want to do is escape for a little bit and rejuvenate. That’s so crucial, but in our world that unfortunately doesn’t exist right now. We’re slammed with deadlines, projects, meetings, errands, etc. and when we do finally come up for air we’re being bombarded with more lists and to-do’s. Sometimes I feel its best to just put my head down and keep charging forward. Eventually the load will lighten and free time will be abundant. I believe in yoga this is what you call Tappas. Tappas, I’m pretty sure, means to burn…but burning in the way of suffering thru something to get to the reward at the end. Whether it be a difficult and strenuous yoga posture that brings you closer to enlightenment or a hard workout that brings you closer to fitting into that bikini you just had to buy. It all comes down to dedication. If you are dedicated enough, then you really can push thru anything you want to accomplish. And the most important thing to remember is its not even the reward that matters… it’s the journey getting to it that counts. Make it worth it. Hubby and I overlook this on a near daily basis. We work so hard and get so caught up, not only do we never live in the moment or enjoy the journey, we forget why we’re doing it all in the first place.

I heard this saying somewhere and I loved it: A truly happy person enjoys the scenery on a detour.

I try to remember this for two reasons. One being that it shows the importance of the journey and being in the moment and two, it reminds you that detours and roadblocks will happen. And it is at these times that you really need to take a step back, reevaluate your journey and enjoy the scenery as you change pace.

The Start of Sept.

Let me start by saying I've never done a blog before. I read them all the time - I kind of feel like they are never-ending books and the writers are the characters. I'm a big fan of blogs. However, I never felt my life was interesting enough to warrant a blog - but now the opportunity has presented itself (and at quite an interesting time in my life) and I feel I should take the chance to write about some stuff.

Well, first and foremost, Happy Fall! It is officially Sept which means it is fall in my eyes. I love the fall. My first anniversary is coming up next month and I am very excited. My husband however won't be around to celebrate this time around. He'll be traveling, but after a wonderfully understanding conversation (with which I spent most of the time screaming through my tears) we decided to pick another day to celebrate and make it just as special. So it looks like I'll still get to gorge myself on year old wedding cake and drunk off champagne. All in all, a win win situation. Oh, and I'll be getting a gift to boot. (So will he of course. I've actually come up with what I consider to be a cute concept for a gift and quite creative considering its coming from me.)

I've also started my yoga certification classes this week. Although my schedule seems demanding and 8 hrs of yoga intimidating, I feel I'm up for the challenge. I also feel its something I need to do. I need to find myself. There's another anniversary coming up - another year spent with anxiety. I learned last night that the practice of yoga is to 'still the mind, body and subtle body' and a quiet mind sounds good to me! It's a foreign concept to me to NOT have a thought racing through my head at all times (most of which are negative) and it must be pleasant to experience. I'm very much looking forward to that part.

I'm also hoping to kind of use this blog as a way to look back through my journey and see my progress. If I keep up with it, which again is not a strong suit of mine, it should be interesting to read. It reminds me of my 8th grade english class. We were asked to write our 25 year old selves a letter regarding our hopes and dreams and where we thought we would be at that (very far off) age. I never did wait until I was 25, more like 19) but the young idealist in me was SO far off from the reality of my life that is was laughable. I said that I hoped I was a vet because I thought my life's work was to save sick animals (meanwhile I'm so busy climbing the corporate ladder that I barely have time to take my own animals to the vet). By the way, I'm kidding about that last part. Not the ruthless, aggressive ladder climbing (well maybe a little!) but I take excellent care of my pets. My dog is my little buddy and in a close tie with my husband for the love of my life.

So in some way I'm hoping to track my life for the next couple of months and hopefully have some interesting things to report. It's time I stop being the reader, and try on character for size.