slow and steady works for me

i was super excited to see a friend a hadn't seen in months this past weekend.  she's a killer hostest and always welcomes my pup (aka the 4-legged love of my life) over with me.  she's one of those people i can tell anything to and, like it or not, i'm gonna get back brutal honesty.  she's known about my struggles with anxiety since way back when and has always been a supportive structure in my life. so since we hadn't connected in awhile, we had much catching up to do and something she was very interested in was seeing how i was doing with my anxiety.

i lit up and told her i'd been panic attack free for almost 2 years, symptom free (pounding heart, shortness of breath, blurred vision, etc) and i was officially living it up in ways i was previously scared to (two amazing trips booked for the fall!).  she was impressed and proud and asked me "so you never even feel anxious anymore?"  -insert sound of screeching brakes-

i responded that i absolutely still get anxious, its an emotion. i can't turn it off any more than i could turn off happiness or sadness.  what i did turn off is the crippling fear from it. yeah, i get anxious, but it no longer holds me back or escalates into life altering fear.  and you guys know how i always share that i still sometimes get anxious in the mornings?  well, i've never quit my early classes or turned down early sessions with clients due to the chance i could feel anxious. i used to RUN from whatever caused me even a hint of anxiety. she looked at my quizzically and said "so you're pretty much in the same place you always were with this."

um NO

definitely not

it took me close to 10 years to develop that level of anxiety, the panic attacks, the loop of negative thoughts, the fear, the insecurity....

my healing journey is not one that happens at the flip of a switch!  no one's journey is.  we can't change overnight... at least, not a lasting change. it takes time to learn what works for us, what helps us alleviate our anxiety, for us to practice overcoming things that scare us, talking and sharing our experiences, learning to meditate or change negative thoughts to positive... oh my gosh!  there's no way this happens overnight.

and this got me thinking.. how many people doubt their journey if it doesn't happen in the blink of an eye? how many people give up because they feel they'll "never get it."  it took me almost a month before i could work through a panic attack and ward it off and many more months to stop being scared that one could "happen at any moment." we get used to thinking a certain way and dreading certain things, so we have to restructure our entire thought processes and perceptions.  and we're not used to doing it.  it shocked me that my friend interpreted slow and steady progress, for no progress.

so don't get frustrated if your journey is slower than you'd like it to be or different from someone else's.  you are working on making positive, powerful and lasting changes in your life! please stick with it!  find your outlets, track negative thoughts, practice positive ones and know that each step along the way is one to be celebrated!  and above all else, don't let someone else's perceptions of your journey alter your own perceptions. 

shedding some light on satya

touching on the next yama can be challenging.  satya means truthfulness.  we always have the chance to practice this with others, but what about with ourselves?  i never realized that when i hid my anxiety i was lying about a huge part of my life.  i ended a friendship with a very close friend just so i wouldn't have to tell her about my anxiety.  and i lied about it when she questioned me.  of course my growing distance seemed to come out of nowhere... especially from her perspective.  but rather than be honest with her, or myself, i just lied and made up reasons why i could never meet up or have time for a chat on the phone.  if i was anxious about going to dinner with family i would lie and say i didn't feel well to get out of it.  and if something scared me even though i knew it logically shouldn't (like driving to a store down the block), i lied to myself and tried to justify my fear rather than work through it.  i accepted the anxiety as a part of me and instead of changing, i just defended myself.  that defensiveness was me just lying to everyone, including myself. 

so take time to be honest about what's going on.  you don't have to scream it from the rooftops, but if you find friendships or relationships are suffering under the weight of carrying this secret around, then find someone you trust and share with them what's going on.  its often a huge relief to both you and them.  and i found that people didn't judge me, even if they didn't understand.  once i shared my anxieties i was able to talk through them with friends and lean on supportive family members when i found myself struggling on my journey. 

and most importantly, be honest with yourself.  understand your fears and stressors and work through them.  be honest about the intensity of the fears and the reality of them happening.  be honest about what helps you feel calm... is it yoga or reading or talking to a friend on the phone?  be honest with yourself if you find that you're having a panic attack... you know it's just a panic attack and it won't hurt you.  and if being honest out loud is too intense right now, then spill it in a journal.  get it all out.  write passionately, honestly and from your heart about your feelings and emotions. 

sometimes we find that honesty really is the best policy. 

Thoughts on Thoughts

Ever notice how sometimes our thoughts can make a crummy situation even more miserable? I had no idea how powerful my thoughts were until I was forced to face them. My thoughts could turn normal stress into a full blown panic attack and make me truly believe that if I left my house or attempted to step outside of my comfort zone something horrific would happen. And even though deep down I knew better, my thoughts called the shots.

There's nothing worse than feeling the first pangs of stress and anxiety. I used to feel it in the pit of my stomach. Then my entire chest would sieze up and my fingers and toes would get ice cold and ultimately become numb. Then, as if watching a movie in slow motion, I could mentally predict each thing that would happen to me as I began to launch into a panic attack. And at times, I felt there was nothing I could do about it but freak out. Initial thoughts went something like this...

OMG, I'm going to lose it and EVERYONE is going to see me have a panic attack!

Oh no, I'm going to get sick, I just know it. I'm going to get sick in front of everyone!

I gotta get outta here RIGHT NOW! I can't let anyone see this happen to me... they'll think I'm crazy!

It took me a long, long time to learn to ride it out and work on not letting my thoughts get the best of me. And like I've said many times before, anxiety never goes away... what does change is our ability to cope with it. So armed with my "anti-anxiety tool belt" (which included knowledge on breathing, stress relieving yoga poses and the confidence in positive thoughts) now I just ride anxiety out. I've been panic attack free for awhile (knock on wood) but I still get feelings of anxiousness. Instead of perpetuating it through scary thoughts and doubt, I talk myself through it and actually try to just sit with it... weird at first, but pretty cool once you get the hang of it. I go through my entire body and notice what it's feeling and how my thoughts impact what I feel. I stay connected to myself and in the moment.

Have you ever taken time to sit through an anxious episode or crappy experience? Where you ever able to change the situation and feelings by utilizing your thoughts?

Not Just Liking Yoga... Living Yoga

I'm kind of a nerd at heart and love to learn. I recently became obsessed with nonfiction books after being faithful to fun fiction for many years. I'm constantly looking for new yoga workshops to go to (fingers crossed I got into one tomorrow night on the chakras!) and I'm a sucker for a good documentary (I have Panic permanently saved to my DVR). I love when learning is ongoing and there's always something new happening. Maybe this is why I like yoga. There's an endless amount of info out there on it and numerous paths to follow. It's all so personal too. Not like learning trig which, I don't know about you, but I found unbelievably difficult because I could never find a way to relate to it. I've become very passionate about not just liking yoga, but living yoga. And while you'll find that I relate some yogic philosophies to anxiety, I also relate them to my everyday life.

I'm a big fan of the yamas and niyamas - which serve as ethical guidelines in yoga, the moral beliefs. I love to learn new ways to apply them to what's happening in my life and I've put a little modern spin on them!

NIYAMAS

Samtosha - this means contentment. I no longer get caught up in the game of "who has what" anymore. I steer clear of comparing myself to others. I don't believe that money buys happiness and I don't strive to be independently wealthy. I'm not angry if I don't look graceful in a pose or if I can't keep up with my hubby when we play tennis. I'm no longer in turmoil about stepping on the scale. I'm happy being me. I'm not perfect, rich or famous - and that's totally ok. When I'm feeling down on myself (which lets face it, we all have personal pity parties every now and then!) I make a list of everything i'm grateful for and happy about. Rather than focus on what you don't have, focus on what you do have. Be happy being you.

Shauca - means pureness. I take this to heart with my body and my diet. I keep my mind and body healthy with pure, clean foods and work up a good sweat in workouts to detoxify. I also keep my emotions pure by staying away from the endless cycle of negative and self-damaging thoughts. I look at this as a way to keep purity in my life and not get bogged down by things that hurt me physically, emotionally or mentally. Your body is your temple - treat it as such.

Svadhyaya - means self study. I am a big fan of introspection. It's one of the main ways I came to understand the root causes of my anxiety and I practice this when I'm feeling out of sorts. I also practice this during meditation. Just as you want to know everything about a person when you first meet them, I want to know everything about myself! There's so many layers and each one is affected by different things. Knowing myself, truly knowing who I am, helps me to understand how and why I react as I do, and also gives me the ability to change it. I don't take feelings for granted anymore - now I give them the third degree!

Tapas - this means austerity. I was taught that tapas literally means ' to burn ' and it's practiced when you're "burning" through a difficult situation. I kind of relate it to patience (which at times, I tend to have very little of). What can I learn if I don't use patience to understand. Things get frustrating, things get annoying, life is life. But having the dedication to work through a problem and have the patience to understand what's happening is a blessing.

Ishvara pranidhana - means to surrender. This was a life lesson I learned the hard way. Again, just to keep it consistant, I'll give the example of my anxiety. I used to fight panic attacks and anxiety desperately. I never wanted to accept the reality of it. But after practicing ishvara pranidhana, I learned to float through the attacks and anxiety and accept it for what it was - anxiety. Anxiety that I would be able to heal from. When you're faced with a big issue, don't bang your head against a wall looking for an immediate answer. Sometimes letting go and allowing the universe to take it's course is the best solution. You can't control the world. You can't fight the world. Don't force control over your life - befriend it and let it help you along your way.

So there you have it - the 5 niyamas. love 'em! Hope you can find ways to relate these philosophies to your life... because sometimes it's nice to have some help in the shape of guidelines.

And don't worry - the yamas are next!

Taking Time To Notice The Good

When is the last time you felt good? Do you remember? Is it hard to even think about because you're always fearful of your next anxious episode or panic attack?

It's easy to always live in the fear. It seems natural to always have something to worry about or feel guilty about. But what about the times we feel good? When do you feel your best? Do you love going to the movies, the gym, out for a long drive or to a new restaurant? Do you take time to notice when you're happy and when you feel strong?

I never used to. Now I always do. I used to live in constant fear of my next dreaded panic attack. But the thing is, if you're always worried about the next attack, you're not living in the present moment. You're all the way in the future dreading something that may or may not happen. You're recreating those emotions and body symptoms and causing yourself distress.

Try something this week... the next time you're just sitting watching tv or hanging out with friends or reading a great book, take time to engage in the present moment. Completely immerse yourself in what's going on and how good you feel. We're so good at the negative anticipations, let's try something new and focus on the good days. Know when you feel good and allow yourself to feel empowered. And if you find yourself suffering with a bad bout of anxiety, bring your mind back to a memory of when you felt really good. Completely focus on that memory and recreate those feelings.

Near the Breaking Point

I cried this morning. Not so much a can’t-catch-my-breath, mascara-running-down-my-face type of crying, but I shed a few tears. I felt frustrated that I let my exhaustion come out thru my eyeballs, but a release is a release and I needed it! I was in the kitchen around 6:30 in the morning feeding all our pets and I just felt overwhelmingly tired and before I knew it – tears. There’s no hiding it, I’m tired. I’m burnt out. And I don’t know what to do. Every morning, when I hear that dreaded alarm clock go off, I squeeze my eyes shut and will there to be an email on my blackberry from my boss saying that somewhere along the line we had forgotten that today is actually some obscure holiday and we have off – enjoy! Then of course I drag my butt out of bed in a haze and try to shower without drowning.

I tried to focus on my relaxation CD while driving to work and it didn’t help. I actually felt a panic attack creeping up, so I quickly switched it off and focused entirely on breathing. It helped and I avoided a full blown attack, but my body is telling me to slow down. The part that I’m unsure of is how I do that. I knew when I decided to commit to yoga I would have to sacrifice a lot. And it’s been fine so far. What I didn’t anticipate was the exhaustion. I can’t afford to take any days off of work, I can’t miss any yoga classes, if I cancel one more time on my personal trainer she’ll probably reach thru the phone and kill me and my husband is about to have a sheer breakdown because what little I have time for around the house isn’t nearly enough to ease the burden on him.

When I start to feel like this, I try to imagine the people that go through so much more than me and are forced to function on three hours worth of sleep. In the grand scheme of things, my exhaustion seems so irrelevant because there are much bigger things out there people have to be concerned about. It’s times like this when I need a gut check. Eventually, my goal is to teach yoga and personal training, but in the meantime I have to do what it takes to reach that goal – and in order to do that I have to sacrifice.

A Year in Review

Now that the weather is getting cooler its really starting to feel like fall. It makes me realize that 2009 is just around the corner. September is almost over! Before I know it I’m going to be bombarded with holiday parties, get-togethers, secret santa’s and running all over trying to see as many family members as possible. It’s unbelievable how fast it’s all going. It’s also unbelievable because I’ve had a lot to reflect on. This year has been one of my toughest with a nagging bout of anxiety and demands and pressures of life pushing down on me, but amazingly enough, I’ve really weathered the storm.

I was just chatting with my parents last night before yoga class about everything going on and I had some revelations. A couple of months ago I had a panic attack every morning before work, I camped out on my couch all weekend to keep my anxiety at bay and I slept every chance I got since I was borderline depressed. Now, my panic attacks are under control and all of the research I’ve done on anxiety and steps to take to heal have made me a stronger person, I’m doing very well at work and getting the kudos always makes me feel good, I’ve maintained my gym schedule and personal trainer and am finally down a pants size (it may have taken me awhile but I did it the good ‘ole fashion way!) and I no longer lock myself in my apartment because I’m running around to yoga or shopping or hanging out with friends. I was joking with my parents that the year I chose to pack everything in and become ambitious is the year I find myself struggling the most with anxiety. Go figure. But it is funny how things work out. I finally feel like I’m getting myself back. After spending so long trapped in my head I’m finally breaking out. Am I 100% better? No. But am I improving every day? H*ll yeah I am! And you know… that’s enough for me. I was always black and white, right and wrong. There was no in between for me. But now there is. Just because I didn’t wake up and have my anxiety completely gone, doesn’t mean I’m a failure. And I think that’s so important for all of us to realize! My perfectionism is calming down (although I’m still a bit OCD about certain things, but that’s what makes me interesting) and everyone can see the changes. And it’s not even just the weight loss. I’m dressing better, taking better care of myself and ENJOYING it. I’m noticing things that I never used to… like sometimes driving in the car with the windows down with my favorite song on makes me smile or how nice it is to just hang out with my pup in bed while reading a fun book or just joking around with hubby about nothing in particular.

I’ve been through a lot this year and while I once used to ask “why me” now I look at it as a gift. It was an opportunity for me to change. I wasn’t going to do it on my own and my body and mind gave me a swift kick in my a--. I used to scoff at the people that felt their anxiety was a wake up call, but now as I make my way to the other side (the healthy, happy side) I see what they see. In some ways I don’t think any year will stand out to me as much as 2008. But with my newfound steadiness and strength, I’m really looking forward to seeing what ’09 has in store!