november dreams and indulgences

it's a new month and you know what that means! a new page in my journal dedicated to monthly goals and treats. it's a packed month and i'm so excited it's finally here.

november dreams + indulgences

* weekend getaway out east with awesome friends
* hubby's big birthday celebration in st. lucia
* yoga, hiking, spinning, kayaking, paddleboarding, beach lounging and daily massages in st. lucia
* meeting up for lunch with a friend from cali i haven't seen in months
* thanksgiving!
* adopting a turkey
* co-hosting a vegan thanksgiving dinner with friends
* more half marathon training
* more focus on ashtanga practice
* another hubby birthday celebration at a thai restaurant
* belated anniversary dinner for hubby and i with my parents

what are your november dreams/goals/aspirations?

take a challenge

i've been totally engulfed in everyone's recap of the 10.10.10 chicago marathon. i follow many bloggers and have read a lot of their journeys.... to some of them being marathon veterans to others losing their marathon virginity! and it's been so exciting!  i love hearing their accomplishments, listening to them talk about struggles and how they overcome them and getting inspired by their dedication. i adore running.  but i'm terrible at it! and i think that's why i'm so drawn to it. i truly do believe it's important to do things you aren't naturally good at or talented at because it promotes a lot of growth. especially for someone like me that used to be a perfectionist and wouldn't even try something if i didn't think i could automatically master it.

and we practice this intention a lot in my yoga classes. i always encourage students to try new poses and experience new sensations as they practice. i often remind them that no one cares if they fall out of a balance or topple out of crow. i've done it myself a couple hundred times! and i used to think nothing was worse than if i was teaching a balancing sequence and i just couldn't stick it. here i was, teaching the poses, trying to show them how to breathe and move, and i would lose my footing or wobble over... but you know what i say now? i'm human! i have my good days and my bad days and so will they! it's nothing to be ashamed of or to not try or to get frustrated about!

so to all those inspirational marathoners - CONGRATS on a great journey and adventure!  what an accomplishment! you've inspired me to continue on my running journey and let it take me where it will.

a marathon is something on my Life List.

what are some aspirations and/or goals you have?  who encourages you to stay dedicated?  how do you find ways to stick with challenges? 

source

greeting 2010 with open arms

happy new year loves!

now i know that every new day offers us the opportunity for growth and movement within our journey, but there is just something so magical to me about new years eve. something special about watching that sparkling ball fall in beloved times square. something inspiring about knowing that i'm going to wake up to a whole new year. a year filled with promise and adventure, personal growth and fresh aspirations. just writing about it makes me smile!

yesterday i spent a lot of time pondering my 2009 journey and today i'd like to spend time creating my 2010 journey.

here are some of my goals & aspirations:

* complete a 10k
*train for disney half marathon for jan 2011
*do something physically challenging everyday to remind myself that i'm capable of anything
*experiment a lot more with raw foodism, hopefully being 65-75% raw by next year
*commit more time to growing friendships and appreciate all the people i'm blessed with having in my life
*put together a fundraising walk for Discover & Recover
*stay true to my perception of yoga and my practice
*share yoga with everyone i can!!
*make more time for personal reflection time: journaling, collages, blogging, reading, getting inspired
*reminding myself daily to release self doubt, grudges, judgement and negativity
*start a morning gratitude ritual
*keep space in my life on and off the mat- be wary of over scheduling and over stressing.
*strive to be the best me i can be for everyone around me
*travel to another country
*travel as much as i can

ok so after listing that all out i feel like maybe one year isn't enough! some of these are 'outside' goals like running accomplishments and taking as many yoga classes as i can and booking lots of fun trips. and i definitely made sure to have 'inside' goals like letting go of my grudges, working on being a positive force for those around me and keeping my anxiety and stress in check (a constant for me).

i'm sure this list will change as the year progresses - which is cool because i totally obtain the right to change my mind at any given time (haha) ! - but that's what makes it fun. it's the adventure of it all. and hey, maybe that's a goal too. APPRECIATE THE ADVENTURE OF IT ALL. i've spent waaaay to much of my life stressing it away. i was doom 'n gloom girl more often than i care to admit. every day i break free a little more and i'm so thankful for that.... and yoga (which who knows where i'd be had this gift not come into my life).

what are some of your aspirations and intentions for 2010? how will you appreciate your adventure?

and, in the spirit of goals and aspirations, i'd like to do one right now - gratitude!

i love all of you! i thank you for sharing in my journey, i thank you for supporting me, i thank you for feedback and just being YOU! THANK YOU!

peace+love

soul searching

a death in my family has left me feeling a little lost and semi-detached. a nasty cold has left me sidelined on the couch for the past couple of days and the lack of physical movement and exertion is causing me to be increasingly agitated listless.

i promised myself that when i returned from my trip that i would re-dedicate myself to my goals and aspirations and spice up my journey a bit (september seems to cause that stir in me), however recent happenings have squashed my intentions. i'm finding myself craving some serious soul searching and introspection and while i usually relish in this progress of self-discovery, for some reason i'm finding the task daunting.

i recently read a quote on a FB friend's profile that went something like this:

constantly thinking about who you want to be is a waste of the person you already are

this struck a nerve with me. i believe that my path absolutely lead me to yoga and i feel more fulfilled than ever teaching and working with those suffering with anxiety... however, there are still some personal things i would like to accomplish just for me. something seperate from work and relationships and home. all of that is fabulous. i'm not doing everything i want to be doing and yet i constantly find myself daydreaming of all the things i'd like to do, yet i'm not doing. and this recent loss of life has me looking deep inside for comfort and also for answers.

rip

Opposites Attract

I love the fact that my husband and I were so different. He was always more of a "glass half full" kind of guy, while I found it remarkably easy to see the doom and gloom side of life. I used to tease him on his polly-anna outlook and now I find that I subscribe to the same positivity that's kept him so happy for so many years - and I can see why he loves it so much!

I guess my outlook was a result of how I grew up. I never really pushed myself to succeed. I kind of just floated through things and let life take its course. I did well enough, but I always could have done better. There was this one incident in high school that will always stick out in my mind. I had an honors class when I was a sophmore. The teachers were very sophisticated and allowed the class to be like a college class - we could eat in the class and they had coffee machines so we could have coffee if we'd like. We'd look at art and how it connected to history and they would read us articles from the New York Times. I didn't feel like I belonged in a class like that so I just slacked. After about 2 months I asked to be transferred out and I had to get a signature from one of the teachers. The one I went to didn't even try to hide her frustration with me. She pulled out her grading book and showed me my marks.... zero, A, zero, A, zero, A, etc. She said to me "when you apply yourself, you do wonderfully - but you don't commit."

I blew her off, got her signature and left the class.

I missed the lesson than, but I understand what she was saying now. I never followed through, never pushed boundaries, never reached for stars. And therefore, when I missed an opportunity or didn't get something I wanted, I got down on the world for not making it happen. My husband always pushed and strived to succeed. He had his first job when he was 12. He doesn't settle. When he wants something he goes after it. He's always been like that. And it was interesting to see how those past experiences shaped us.

We learned from each other. I think he learned from me that it's ok to try new things and you don't have to master everything you attempt. It's ok to try something and not like it and move onto the next thing. I tried so many things people often thought I had the attention span of a fruit fly. But it was really that I just never found anything I was super passionate about so I just kept looking.

I learned from him that it's ok to push yourself for something you want and it's ok to be successful and believe in yourself. High self esteem is such a beautiful thing and not nearly enough people have it. I never thought I was worthy of anything - and that teacher tried to show me that I sabotaged myself. I felt I wasn't good enough and I "proved" it to myself by getting bad grades (even though with a little effort I got great grades).

More often than not, people that suffer with anxiety also find it easier to get down on themselves than give themselves the credit they deserve. It's so easy to fall into the habit of negativity. It's comfortable and it's safe. You feel like you won't fail if you don't try... but not trying is the failure. It's not giving yourself a chance. It's holding back. Anxiety tends to build up walls and fences around people and locks in dreams and aspirations by threatening failure or anything short of perfection.

It took a long time, but I'm now a "glass half full" kind of girl. Yeah, I get self conscious and unsure... but I know deep down it's always going to be ok and it's always going to work out. And this way of living is much more fun!

Think about the messages you give yourself everyday - are you falling more on the negative side or positive? If you get down on yourself a lot, try to make an effort to ease up. Talk to yourself the way you'd talk to a bummed out friend. Or take 10 minutes out of your day to appreciate yourself. Say one empowering thing to yourself every night before you go to sleep or say something positive about the day ahead when you just wake up. Be your biggest supporter!

And while you're at it - spread the wealth. Make someone else's day by saying something nice and pumping up their self esteem too. Not only will they feel great, but you'll feel pretty good too.

New Year, New Start

With 2009 right around the corner, it's hard not to think about resolutions. It’s an inevitable occurrence that after people scream ‘happy new year’ on that magical night, the very next thing they do is make a resolution. Now I say it’s a magical night because it’s a time when you can start over – and who doesn’t like a fresh start? It’s a time to put grudges aside, regrets behind you and aspirations in front of you. I love New Years Eve, but the one part I don’t love is the resolutions. I always wind up breaking them or becoming less committed after 6 months (if I even last that long!) So this year I’m trying something different. Instead of making a laundry list of things I want to improve about myself, I’m going to jot down goals of mine. I’m not going to spend time focusing on my flaws and making resolutions to ‘fix’ me. I’m going to write down things I want to do because they make me happy. I’m going to write down things that I believe will be fulfilling and help make me a better person. I’m going to write down things I’m scared to do so I at least take one step closer to confronting a fear. I’m going to write down one spontaneous thing that’s outside the box so I don’t fall victim to living in a rut with no surprises. And I’m going to write down something nice that I can do for the people I care most about, because let’s face it, without those people I wouldn’t be where I am today.

So here’s a sneak peak at my 2009 Goals List (which I will pull out of my pocket at 12:01AM on January 1st and commit to):

1) Compete in a 10k
2) Take one trip to another country
3) Make a new friend
4) Strengthen a bond with an old friend and
5) Share my workshops and classes with as many people as I possibly can!

Now this is just the beginning… I could go on and on! But I think it’s a pretty solid start. Make 2009 your year too! Think about your goals and aspirations, think about things you’d love to accomplish or try. Tomorrow is about starting fresh. There’s never a better time than now.

Finding My Paradise

This weekend was pretty amazing. I had yoga class on both Sat and Sun and was mentally prepping for the sheer exhaustion that was inevitably going to set in. However, it turned out to be the most eye-opening experience I think I’ve ever had (so far!) A swami came in to talk to us about life. It’s funny how we spend so much time existing and not living. Well that’s the case for me anyway! It wasn’t until I felt unbelievable anxiety that I sat up and paid attention to my life. It wasn’t until then that I started questioning things. Much like when you run yourself down you get sick because your body is telling you to “stop!” for a minute, my anxiety was knocking on my head seeing if anyone was even in there anymore. My dissatisfaction with what I let me life become manifested into anxiety.

So swami sat with our little group and we talked about life. We talked about what we did and things about ourselves, but he caught us off guard when he asked where our perfect place to live would be or what we’d ideally like to do. Almost everyone’s breath caught in their throat and the silence was palpable. No one knew. And even if they had a small inclination as to where their paradise might be, they had no way to get there. It was just a dream that was destined to stay buried under the “I should’s” and “I have to’s”… We have been so swept up in the daily grind that we forgot what brings us happiness. Talk about me being meant to have this man in my life… wow! This has been my struggle for months and months! I know I’m currently unsatisfied with where I am right now, but I didn’t know how to “fix” the issue. Swamiji helped me realize where my passions lie and also how to go about obtaining them. And there was something so therapeutic about having a person filled with nothing but joy and love believe in you. I think that is something that people are starting to lose. I was a huge doubter of almost anyone and anything. Anytime someone wanted to step off the “right path” or working 9-5 and clocking in the hours, I thought they were crazy. What it really was was that I wanted to do the same thing and didn’t have the courage or belief in myself.

I walked away from my weekend filled with faith. Not so much from the religious aspect, but more like the faith one has in one’s self. There have been some dreams and goals that my hubby and I have talked about but I never really believed in the goals. Well, I didn’t believe they would happen for us the way we wanted. Now I have faith. Hubby and I aren’t going to make any rash decisions (as we’re prone to do!) because I have faith that we’re going to be offered opportunities that lead us in the direction we’re meant to be in. I also walked away from Swamiji with so much love and admiration that I wished my family could’ve met him. I wish I could’ve shared these mini-miracles I felt with the people I care about. Even my blog is mushy! I had no anxiety last night or this morning even though I had work. I am at peace inside. And I think this is truly the first time I can honestly say that.

So this blog is dedicated to Swami Sadashiva Tirtha – thank you for helping me find my paradise and opening me up to the faith that my paradise will find me.

Near the Breaking Point

I cried this morning. Not so much a can’t-catch-my-breath, mascara-running-down-my-face type of crying, but I shed a few tears. I felt frustrated that I let my exhaustion come out thru my eyeballs, but a release is a release and I needed it! I was in the kitchen around 6:30 in the morning feeding all our pets and I just felt overwhelmingly tired and before I knew it – tears. There’s no hiding it, I’m tired. I’m burnt out. And I don’t know what to do. Every morning, when I hear that dreaded alarm clock go off, I squeeze my eyes shut and will there to be an email on my blackberry from my boss saying that somewhere along the line we had forgotten that today is actually some obscure holiday and we have off – enjoy! Then of course I drag my butt out of bed in a haze and try to shower without drowning.

I tried to focus on my relaxation CD while driving to work and it didn’t help. I actually felt a panic attack creeping up, so I quickly switched it off and focused entirely on breathing. It helped and I avoided a full blown attack, but my body is telling me to slow down. The part that I’m unsure of is how I do that. I knew when I decided to commit to yoga I would have to sacrifice a lot. And it’s been fine so far. What I didn’t anticipate was the exhaustion. I can’t afford to take any days off of work, I can’t miss any yoga classes, if I cancel one more time on my personal trainer she’ll probably reach thru the phone and kill me and my husband is about to have a sheer breakdown because what little I have time for around the house isn’t nearly enough to ease the burden on him.

When I start to feel like this, I try to imagine the people that go through so much more than me and are forced to function on three hours worth of sleep. In the grand scheme of things, my exhaustion seems so irrelevant because there are much bigger things out there people have to be concerned about. It’s times like this when I need a gut check. Eventually, my goal is to teach yoga and personal training, but in the meantime I have to do what it takes to reach that goal – and in order to do that I have to sacrifice.

Current Mood: Grateful

I had a very busy, but terrific weekend. I had yoga on Saturday and then my parents came over and took me out to dinner (you’re never too old to be spoiled by mom and dad!). After dinner, while hanging out we got into the discussion of yoga and how my classes are going. I wound up teaching my mom some yoga moves that I think could really help her recovery from her surgery that she had a year ago. It was very intensive and life altering and the more I learn about yoga the more beneficial I believe it could be to a lot of people. I even got my mom to do a pose on her hands and knees – I could cry just thinking about it! I never even saw my mom walk more than 10 steps without getting winded throughout my how childhood and adolescents. It was really an amazing feeling to get to do that with her. Then on Sunday, which was my anniversary (Happy 1 year to me and hubby!) some girlfriends came over to keep me company since DH was away. We had the best time catching up and reliving some of the wedding highlights – and horror stories – while chowing down on pizza. Towards the end of the night, we somehow got involved in an impromptu yoga session! My friend has some back pain and also holds all of her stress in her upper back –or upper traps if you want to get technical- and her shoulders are always drawn upward because of it. Seeing as I truly am a geek at heart, I was inspired to pick up some anatomy books and a book called “Yoga as Medicine” and I have been devouring them. I was able to incorporate some of those techniques in the routine I did with my girlfriend.

It truly is amazing how yoga can help people on so many different levels. I began this journey as a way to seek a healthy outlet for overcoming my anxiety. Now I use it for stress management, help my mom with it by teaching her postures that will strengthen muscles she’s never used before and reduce swelling, I use it for my friend that has a weak back and shoulder issues and on my husband to help alleviate sinus problems. I love that people are seeing a difference in just the little bit that I touch on with them. I actually have people waiting for me to graduate so I can take them on as clients! And I’ve been so inspired that the anatomy book will give me a head start on my next endeavour… getting certified to be a personal trainer. I think the two compliment each other and I’m so eager to get out there and help people that it doesn’t even seem like work. I really feel like I am finally on the right path. I don’t know where this path will ultimately lead, and I’m trying hard not to have any expectations about where I could end up or how far I could go, but I know I’m doing the right thing because it’s not always the destination that’s most important. If you’re not enjoying the journey, then who cares where you wind up? You’ll be miserable until you get there. And where’s the fun in that!?

Yoga is giving me a gift so far beyond what I ever imagined. I feel empowered on a daily basis and I’m able to SHARE that empowerment with those around me. And I ADORE doing it. It took me awhile to get to this point, but I’d go through everything again to get here. My hubby comes home from his trip tonight and the feeling I get knowing that I get to see him tonight is something I’m grateful for. Almost 8 yrs together and I still get butterflies. Yoga also gives me time to appreciate what I have. I know I have setbacks and I’m not 100% over my anxiety, but I have so much to be thankful for and giving back is the best way I know to show my gratitude.

A Year in Review

Now that the weather is getting cooler its really starting to feel like fall. It makes me realize that 2009 is just around the corner. September is almost over! Before I know it I’m going to be bombarded with holiday parties, get-togethers, secret santa’s and running all over trying to see as many family members as possible. It’s unbelievable how fast it’s all going. It’s also unbelievable because I’ve had a lot to reflect on. This year has been one of my toughest with a nagging bout of anxiety and demands and pressures of life pushing down on me, but amazingly enough, I’ve really weathered the storm.

I was just chatting with my parents last night before yoga class about everything going on and I had some revelations. A couple of months ago I had a panic attack every morning before work, I camped out on my couch all weekend to keep my anxiety at bay and I slept every chance I got since I was borderline depressed. Now, my panic attacks are under control and all of the research I’ve done on anxiety and steps to take to heal have made me a stronger person, I’m doing very well at work and getting the kudos always makes me feel good, I’ve maintained my gym schedule and personal trainer and am finally down a pants size (it may have taken me awhile but I did it the good ‘ole fashion way!) and I no longer lock myself in my apartment because I’m running around to yoga or shopping or hanging out with friends. I was joking with my parents that the year I chose to pack everything in and become ambitious is the year I find myself struggling the most with anxiety. Go figure. But it is funny how things work out. I finally feel like I’m getting myself back. After spending so long trapped in my head I’m finally breaking out. Am I 100% better? No. But am I improving every day? H*ll yeah I am! And you know… that’s enough for me. I was always black and white, right and wrong. There was no in between for me. But now there is. Just because I didn’t wake up and have my anxiety completely gone, doesn’t mean I’m a failure. And I think that’s so important for all of us to realize! My perfectionism is calming down (although I’m still a bit OCD about certain things, but that’s what makes me interesting) and everyone can see the changes. And it’s not even just the weight loss. I’m dressing better, taking better care of myself and ENJOYING it. I’m noticing things that I never used to… like sometimes driving in the car with the windows down with my favorite song on makes me smile or how nice it is to just hang out with my pup in bed while reading a fun book or just joking around with hubby about nothing in particular.

I’ve been through a lot this year and while I once used to ask “why me” now I look at it as a gift. It was an opportunity for me to change. I wasn’t going to do it on my own and my body and mind gave me a swift kick in my a--. I used to scoff at the people that felt their anxiety was a wake up call, but now as I make my way to the other side (the healthy, happy side) I see what they see. In some ways I don’t think any year will stand out to me as much as 2008. But with my newfound steadiness and strength, I’m really looking forward to seeing what ’09 has in store!

Forget Opportunity, I Need Passion to Knock

Today on my way to work I started thinking about passions. Lots of people have them. My hubby is passionate about video games and usually the gym (when he’s not working so hard!). For some people it’s travel (and I’m jealous of those people!) for some its clothes or fashion (courtesy of my new obsession with Rachel Zoe) and some may be car enthusiasts. But you know what? I lack passion. I feel like I’m in a constant search for the ONE thing that motivates me no matter what. Now I’ve tried to find my passion… I really have. I’ve tried to become obsessed and intoxicated with happiness from the gym, running, writing, reading, yoga, cooking… you name it and I probably tried it (unless it involves heights or spiders – if that’s the case I’m happy to remain passion-less). And while those things make me happy – it’s not always a definite. I enjoy running and pushing my boundaries and seeing how many miles I can add, but there are so many times I don’t give 100% or I avoid the gym like the plague in favor of parking my butt on the couch after work. I thought work was my passion, but it’s not. The reason I say that is because a “test” for seeing if you are happy at work is asking yourself if you’d continue to do what you do if you were financially stable for the rest of your life. That would be a no for me. I don’t have anything that I can completely immerse myself in and be completely satisfied for an extended period of time. I think this is why people see me as flakey. I try so many different things and instantly become enamored with it only to give it up 3 weeks (if I even make it that long) later.

And here’s a concept to wrap your head around on a dismal Friday… how does one find a passion? Are there people out there besides me that can’t even find a passion? I always thought this was like some innate desire and you were drawn to it – but somewhere along the way I missed that call. I guess this is just part of my journey. That’s what they say to me in yoga class. It’s an inner journey. Everyone there is seeking out an internal journey otherwise they wouldn’t pursue yoga. I think this time in my life is crucial because I find myself not even knowing who I am. Whoever I was, wasn’t really me (hence my anxiety developed to unhealthy levels) and it leaves me in this permanent state of uncomfortable. Yeah… I’m really looking forward to yoga tomorrow. Maybe my passion isn’t as far away as I think it is…