testing 1, 2, 3

i was tested yesterday.  and it was unlike any pop quiz or final exam i've ever taken.  it was harder.  it was one i couldn't prep for.  and it was one i had to face.  and it made me very anxious.

my dinner friday night didn't sit too well with me and i woke up with horrible stomach pains and felt terrible.  enter: panic thoughts.  anytime my stomach shows the slightest bit of queasiness, i head for the hills (i.e. my bed).  i hate stomach aches more than anything else because it always puts me right back into panic mode remembering how i used to suffer with them daily and cause myself to get so upset i'd have a panic attack.

and when that's what we're used to, it's easy to fall victim to that train of thought. 

so even now, two years later (completely panic attack free!), i still remember that feeling.  i remember the fear of having to drive to work and sit at my desk all day feeling ill.  i remember pushing myself through my days and hoping to just make it through hour by hour.  and i remember being scared to death about having a panic attack in front of co-workers or my boss or while driving home... i still shudder just thinking about it.

so yesterday i was definitely tested.  i was legitimately sick, but it still made me wonder if it was just anxiety.  it was hard to de-tach the idea of being sick without the anxiety making me sick.  i took a stomach soother and drank some water and began to feel a little better.  what made me extra nervous though was that my day was jam packed.  literally, from beginning to end.  and i was already up at 5:30am feeling gross. 

how was i going to get through this day?  thoughts of cancelling everything crossed my mind.  but i didn't want to bail on my classes.  i had a lunch date with a girlfriend i had been looking forward to for days and i had some mini-errands that absolutely had to get done before heading out to another friend's apartment much later that night.  eek!  i was positively pale at the thought of it all. because when you feel sick or anxious, the last thing you wanna do is go out all day, right?  but i knew i had to do it.  and i wanted to.  i was sick.  and that was it.  and i was determined to take it one thing at a time and see how i felt.  i immediately realized my mind was racing 100 miles an hour, all with bad thoughts about getting sick in front of my class, or bailing last minute on my friend, or being miserable at my friend's place....

so i put up a big 'ol STOP SIGN on those thoughts.  and i powered through my day. 

and i had no problems. 

yes, i was a little icky feeling, but was it the monumental crisis i made it out to be? no.
did i realize immediately that my mind was going crazy with "what ifs?" yes.
and did i take every measure to stop it and refuse to give in to an anxious feeling? hell yes!

so i'm glad to say i passed my test.  i did every single thing i wanted to yesterday and put the "scary thoughts" way behind me.  i'm feeling sooo much better today and i knew i would, because it's a new day and i can choose how to face it.  and if i still felt kind of sick, then i'd cross that bridge when i got to it.  i wasn't going to do what i used to do way back when and pre-cancel everything because there was a mere chance i wouldn't be feeling well. 

i can face blood, guts and gore... but a stomach ache is my kryptonite - and i beat it!

we'll always be tested and we'll always face things we don't want to, but we have to know we can do it!  even if it is a little scary.  we are stronger than we think!!

anticipating anxiety or anticipatory anxiety?

a few days ago i mentioned how i had a totally busy weekend running all over the place - from classes, to clients, to parties and back again! i was so happy the week started again at a slow pace because i definitely needed some time to rejuvenate and breathe. i had my normal monday and tuesday night classes, but once wednesday hit something funny happened. as i made my way to my class that evening i was hit with the sensations of anxiety. now i've been teaching this class for months. it's only 15 minutes away from my apartment. i wasn't rushed or running late. i had nothing to stress over. so why was i finding myself feeling anxious? as i sat at a red light i tuned into what was going on inside and really tried to pay attention. then it hit me... the past weekend, on both friday and saturday night, i took this same route to the airport to pick up hubby and the next day to head to an engagement party. both events caused me immense stress getting there because the airport is always craziness and we hit an insane amount of traffic on the way to the party and i got very upset about being late. both days i had anxious feelings and stress on this exact drive. both days i passed the gym i work at on wednesdays. and now here i was, a couple of days later, on route to the class and my mind couldn't shake the feelings i had on this same drive just mere days earlier (for totally different reasons).

so we've all heard of anticipatory anxiety - when we have anxiety and anxious feelings over a future event that we find ourselves worrying obsessively about. but what was this? i mean, it wasn't anticipatory. i didn't even think about the past weekend drives until i started to wonder where these stressed feelings were coming from. it was more like... anticipating anxiety. my mind was anticipating traffic, airport craziness and an all-over stressful trip, when in actuality i was just heading to a class. since i did this drive two times previously and felt anxious, my mind just launched me back to that place because it was anticipating more anxiety. and for no other reason than the fact that i'd felt it a lot before when in the same place.

i switched my ipod to krishna das, i opened the windows up wide and i went right into my belly breathing. i brought myself out of this feeling of anxiousness even though in my mind it had become my norm. almost as if you have a relative that always gives you a hideous sweater for your birthday and every year you're forced to endure the embarrassment of wearing it for the rest of the day to appease that relative. each year you have that shiny wrapped gift in your lap and you mentally prepare yourself to smile through the pain of wearing it and expressing how much you love it. then one year you open it and it's a really awesome t-shirt that you've been eyeing. imagine your shock. my mind was prepping for that hideous sweater when i started driving that same route i had over the weekend. but, i was going to class, not racing to the airport or slammed in traffic.

so next time you experience anxiety and you're not quite sure where it's coming from... ask yourself if it's anticipatory anxiety or if you're anticipating anxiety because you're doing something that's caused you anxiety before.

image: jupiter images

Memories Stress Me Out!

It's been quite some time since I've had to drive a long distance (which for me, long qualifies as anything over 30 mins!) and even though I've opened up my life more than ever and never turn things down due to anxious feelings I find that sometimes those old memories of anxious feelings come creeping up on me.

I used to go through severe panic attacks and episodes during my commute to work or while visiting family members and friends that didn't live around the corner. My hands would go numb as I tightened my death grip on the steering wheel and my breath would catch in my throat at the first sign of traffic.

I've found that I'm much more relaxed now when I drive, but every once and awhile, when a "longer" drive comes up, I can't help but notice my mind wander back to those super stressful times. I can almost feel my stomach clench and my palms sweat. It's not quite anxiety.... it's not quite anticapatory anxiety (because I'm not shying away from the drive or scared of it). My memories just come on strong and remind me how fearful I once was. And that memory freaks me out a little. The memories temporarily put me back into that feeling of immense dread and fear.

I guess the closest comparison I can think of is say you once took a tumble down a flight of stairs...nothing serious, just enough to get shaken. Then imagine every once and awhile when coming up to a flight of stairs your memory of that fall comes on so strong that you can practically feel your body ache like it did after the actual fall.

It's intense! And it's something I'm still finding myself working on because it's not a matter of working through a panic attack or anxious episode... it's about reprogramming my brain (in a way). I can't breathe through a memory or switch it to a positive because it's an actual thought of something that used to happen.

If you find this is something familiar to you, here's what I've found helpful: Instead of switching my thoughts or trying to ignore them (which, who am I kidding, ignoring thoughts is hard!) everytime I come across something that used to stress me out or cause me anxiety I make it a point to completely focus on how good I am now feeling. This way, when I get behind the wheel for a "long" drive my last memory of the car was me singing my heart out to some of my favorite songs with the windows down. I'm not changing my bad memories - I'm just focusing on creating new, happy ones to recall. Because if you can recall one memory, you can recall any memory. So why not make it a good one?

Take time to create new memories and focus on when you feel good and strong. Draw on those memories when you need a little boost of strength.

Laughter Yoga Workshop Recap

I just wanted to share a few things that I took away from the laughter yoga workshop. I went with an open mind and was completely unprepared for what was to come. Introverts beware - this will definitely get you out of your comfort zone (in a good way!) We practiced laughing with each other and making eye contact, learned about the mental and physical benefits of laughter and completed the workshop with a laughter meditation that was by far one of my favorite meditations ever!

On a more serious note, we learned about how laughter helps to alleviate stress and anxiety and even depression. The man who led the workshop, Bruce Kaitlin, shared an interesting thought with the group - people are the only animals that experience anticipatory anxiety. Lions don't stress about what to catch for dinner that night and cats don't get anxious wondering if there's a trip to the vet in their future. But yet people can waste endless amounts of time and spend excessive amounts of energy worrying about the future.

Simple, but powerful thought. It's sometimes so hard to realize how much time we spend living in the future and neglecting the here and now, the present moment.

Bruce also emphasized the importance of being child-like, not childish. As adults, we take on so much stress and worry and become so serious so fast. We almost forget what it's like to just cut loose ( a point he made clear when he asked us how we would respond to a person next to us that was just laughing for what seemed like no reason. we all responded with odd looks and became uncomfortable) Yet how often do you pass a child that's laughing or giggling and you automatically break out into a smile too? It's contagious! But we fight against that feeling after grade school, rather than embracing it.

If you ever have a chance to experience a laughter yoga workshop - I highly suggest you check it out. And take a moment today to just laugh. Share a smile. Give a giggle. Have some fun!

The Problem and Solution Starts with YOU

People way underestimate the value of pushing themselves. Almost everyone has some kind of fear or limit that they set up for themselves and then convince themselves its ok to never tackle the things outside of their comfort zones. Now I love my comfort zone. I’m a big fan of my comfort zone…. Mainly because I find staying in keeps the anxiety at bay. But what I’ve really come to realize is that my comfort zone, while familiar and safe, is also a lead weight around my ankles. I’ve learned that everyone gets something out of their anxiety. I know its hard to believe, but its true. Most anxious people use their anxiety as a way to justify staying in their little comfort zone. Its important to see how much your anxiety and fears hold you back from your life. And what may be even more important is realizing that YOU have control over your situation and can actively choose to not let your anxiety hold you back.

I’ve recently been putting this concept to the test when, for the past three days, I woke up terribly sick. Now usually my first instinct is to grab immodium or pepto or whatever pill I can to keep the stomach aches and nausea at bay. But for some reason, I hesitated when reaching for the medicine cabinet. I told my hubby that I was feeling anxious and that I took medicine to “get me through” yoga class on Sat and didn’t want to take more medicine so soon again. I hate messing with my system and I know deep down I’m making myself worse. Rather then come at me with multiple questions and telling me to just calm down, P actually talked me through it. He asked me questions about what I wanted to do when I got home from work (so I could concentrate on something fun) and he said to just take one pill with me and take it if I need it. His words hit me hard and I didn’t take any medicine. I went to my car armed with my anti-anxiety CD and some yogic breathing practices and drove the 50 min drive to work. I was exhausted by the time I got to the office, because this stuff is tiring! But that’s OK. I did it. And you know what? I did it the next day too! And the day after that! And NOTHING is more empowering than knowing you have the power to feel the fear and do it anyway. I put myself in this little box of comfort and now I have to take myself out, because if I don’t, I can miss out on so many opportunities.

Find out what you love to do. Something just for you. And go out and push through the fear and anxious feelings and take a step towards it! Do as little or as much as you can, but do something. Don’t wait for the ‘perfect’ time or opportunity, because you will wait forever. And you can’t feel better until you realize that you have the control. It all starts with you – hard pill to swallow sometimes. But your anxiety keeps you as a spectator in your own life. And if you find yourself overanalyzing or stressing over something (which we often tend to do!) then just jump in head first. Make your actions override your thoughts. Trust your instincts.

So do one thing today. If you want to run, then go to one sports store and ask the sales people for recommendations on equipment. If you want to write a book, look online and see if you can find a local library or school offering an inexpensive writing workshop. If you want to take a yoga class, call around to some studios and talk to an experienced teacher that can tell you which classes would be best for your ability level and go do it! Just do it! Trust me, I know this isn’t easy on any level. But YOU are in control and YOU make the choice. Don’t let your whole life slip away or your goals because you felt anxious. With anything you want to do, there is always a first step, which is usually the easiest. Conquer it and conquer your fear.

YOU can do this.