recent reflections

here's a glimpse into how i was living my life a year ago:

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Near the Breaking Point
I cried this morning. Not so much a can’t-catch-my-breath, mascara-running-down-my-face type of crying, but I shed a few tears. I felt frustrated that I let my exhaustion come out thru my eyeballs, but a release is a release and I needed it! I was in the kitchen around 6:30 in the morning feeding all our pets and I just felt overwhelmingly tired and before I knew it – tears. There’s no hiding it, I’m tired. I’m burnt out. And I don’t know what to do. Every morning, when I hear that dreaded alarm clock go off, I squeeze my eyes shut and will there to be an email on my blackberry from my boss saying that somewhere along the line we had forgotten that today is actually some obscure holiday and we have off – enjoy! Then of course I drag my butt out of bed in a haze and try to shower without drowning.
I tried to focus on my relaxation CD while driving to work and it didn’t help. I actually felt a panic attack creeping up, so I quickly switched it off and focused entirely on breathing. It helped and I avoided a full blown attack, but my body is telling me to slow down. The part that I’m unsure of is how I do that. I knew when I decided to commit to yoga I would have to sacrifice a lot. And it’s been fine so far. What I didn’t anticipate was the exhaustion. I can’t afford to take any days off of work, I can’t miss any yoga classes, if I cancel one more time on my personal trainer she’ll probably reach thru the phone and kill me and my husband is about to have a sheer breakdown because what little I have time for around the house isn’t nearly enough to ease the burden on him.
When I start to feel like this, I try to imagine the people that go through so much more than me and are forced to function on three hours worth of sleep. In the grand scheme of things, my exhaustion seems so irrelevant because there are much bigger things out there people have to be concerned about. It’s times like this when I need a gut check. Eventually, my goal is to teach yoga and personal training, but in the meantime I have to do what it takes to reach that goal – and in order to do that I have to sacrifice.

i can still remember sitting in my office, on my lunch break (because i rarely left my desk), typing that out. i can remember my 'brag board' in front of me, a big board where i posted all my successful pitches and press hits. i can still see my collection of pictures to the right of my monitor filled with smiling faces and happy times. and i can still remember that feeling of overwhelming sadness. i felt so empty. i felt incredibly lost. and i felt obligated to smile through it and act as if everything was always OK. i've been through a lot in the past year.

my life is drastically different now. in 2009 alone i left the comfort of a full-time job to persue teaching yoga, i launched a business dedicated to helping people suffering with stress and anxiety disorders, i've gone to numerous yoga workshops and met some incredible teachers, i've started training for my first 5k, within the next few weeks i'll be certified to teach spin and kickboxing, i've traveled around europe, celebrated a much happier 2nd wedding anniversary and have started to become the person i wanted to be but was afraid to be.


funny what can happen in just one year.