Friday, September 12, 2008

Forget Opportunity, I Need Passion to Knock

Today on my way to work I started thinking about passions. Lots of people have them. My hubby is passionate about video games and usually the gym (when he’s not working so hard!). For some people it’s travel (and I’m jealous of those people!) for some its clothes or fashion (courtesy of my new obsession with Rachel Zoe) and some may be car enthusiasts. But you know what? I lack passion. I feel like I’m in a constant search for the ONE thing that motivates me no matter what. Now I’ve tried to find my passion… I really have. I’ve tried to become obsessed and intoxicated with happiness from the gym, running, writing, reading, yoga, cooking… you name it and I probably tried it (unless it involves heights or spiders – if that’s the case I’m happy to remain passion-less). And while those things make me happy – it’s not always a definite. I enjoy running and pushing my boundaries and seeing how many miles I can add, but there are so many times I don’t give 100% or I avoid the gym like the plague in favor of parking my butt on the couch after work. I thought work was my passion, but it’s not. The reason I say that is because a “test” for seeing if you are happy at work is asking yourself if you’d continue to do what you do if you were financially stable for the rest of your life. That would be a no for me. I don’t have anything that I can completely immerse myself in and be completely satisfied for an extended period of time. I think this is why people see me as flakey. I try so many different things and instantly become enamored with it only to give it up 3 weeks (if I even make it that long) later.

And here’s a concept to wrap your head around on a dismal Friday… how does one find a passion? Are there people out there besides me that can’t even find a passion? I always thought this was like some innate desire and you were drawn to it – but somewhere along the way I missed that call. I guess this is just part of my journey. That’s what they say to me in yoga class. It’s an inner journey. Everyone there is seeking out an internal journey otherwise they wouldn’t pursue yoga. I think this time in my life is crucial because I find myself not even knowing who I am. Whoever I was, wasn’t really me (hence my anxiety developed to unhealthy levels) and it leaves me in this permanent state of uncomfortable. Yeah… I’m really looking forward to yoga tomorrow. Maybe my passion isn’t as far away as I think it is…

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