A couple of nights ago I stared at my vast collection of books and decided that I wanted to read one. If there's a book I love, I'll read it over and over again. I love to read. And I usually devour most books I get. For some reason, my eyes were drawn to one book in particular that I started reading about a year or so ago and never finished. Being better late than never, I decided that I felt like finishing it. I curled up and opened the book. I noticed I dog-eared a ton of pages and had underlined and starred so many passages that it looked like I had partially written parts along with the author. I was actually surprised at myself that I hadn't finished this book when I started it so many months ago.
As I began to dive into the book, I started to realize why I put it down in the first place. The book is kind of interactive - there are questions in it and places to take notes. It focuses on your life and if taken seriously, forces you to take a good, hard look at yourself. As I sat there reading, a year later, I stared in shock at the scribbled notes I wrote down.
I can't believe how much I've changed. I know I say it a lot, but seeing the actual writing in black ink in that book, really hit home for me. I was so unhappy. I felt unfulfilled with friendships and had a complete lack of interest in my career choices. It wasn't always that way... at some point I was very happy. But then when things started to change, and I started to change, I didn't bother to try to fix things that I wasn't happy with. I just kind of stayed stagnant. I let my feelings fester... and it blew up in my face. I let my fear of change and the unknown stop me from living my life.
Some of the questions in the book ask about personal fulfillment and satisfaction. It talks about goals and motivation (I didn't have either!) and dreams. I had a laundry list of things I wasn't happy about, but didn't have a plan of action to help myself or to change. I read the things I wrote over and over until the words practically blurred. I showed them to my husband. I thought about them that night when I went to sleep. There might be a ton of change going on in my life right now, and sometimes it can get scary or I can be majorly unsure of things, but I wouldn't change "change" for the world. I never want to be that person I once was again.
Now when I need motivation I pick up that same book. I have so many goals and dreams and aspirations I would love to write down, but I need to see those old passages to remind me of my progress. I need to see the "old me" every once and awhile because it makes me proud and keeps me going. I can't imagine being back in that place I used to be. It's funny... the author wrote the book to be inspirational, but nothing she wrote could ever be as inspirational as the things I wrote in that book.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
Detox
Something that was really hard for me to do was to eliminate the negative influences and people in my life. Changing your life, your relationships and friendships can be hard and a really painful experience. But in the long run, it's more painful to stay put where you are if you know you're surrounded by negativity.
When you become more assertive, stronger, more emotionally stable and more confident it is an unfortunate fact of life that there will be people that will try to drag you back down. I can go along for months perfectly fine and then something will happen that will make me feel like I blinked and was launched back into high school. And the funny thing is, that I will always say "I wish I had the knowledge then that I have now." When these petty things happen though, it gives me the chance to put that MO to the test.
See, the thing is, the problems, drama, issues, people.... it didn't matter then and it doesn't matter now. So what if someone challenges something I say, makes fun of what I do or puts me down for something I think. I'm still going to continue doing what I'm doing. And if people still want to attack me or put me down, then that's their problem. Sounds cliche, I know. But while all your negative influences and people put exhaustive amounts of time and energy into making fun of you or telling you why you'll fail, you can put your time and energy into positive things and making things happen.
Everyone has the ability to choose the people they allow into their lives. Don't waste time on the people and things that don't matter. Have compassion for them, but don't spend time on them (your time can be much better spent!).
When you become more assertive, stronger, more emotionally stable and more confident it is an unfortunate fact of life that there will be people that will try to drag you back down. I can go along for months perfectly fine and then something will happen that will make me feel like I blinked and was launched back into high school. And the funny thing is, that I will always say "I wish I had the knowledge then that I have now." When these petty things happen though, it gives me the chance to put that MO to the test.
See, the thing is, the problems, drama, issues, people.... it didn't matter then and it doesn't matter now. So what if someone challenges something I say, makes fun of what I do or puts me down for something I think. I'm still going to continue doing what I'm doing. And if people still want to attack me or put me down, then that's their problem. Sounds cliche, I know. But while all your negative influences and people put exhaustive amounts of time and energy into making fun of you or telling you why you'll fail, you can put your time and energy into positive things and making things happen.
Everyone has the ability to choose the people they allow into their lives. Don't waste time on the people and things that don't matter. Have compassion for them, but don't spend time on them (your time can be much better spent!).
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Expectation Creation
Do you consider yourself a person with high expectations?
I never used to... but after forcing myself to take a deep, down look inside I realized my expectations were sky high... Not that I'm knocking expectations! I think expectations are great. They serve as a helpful reminder to go after your goals or to allow you to gain the respect you know you deserve. They help you strive for things in life. But, as with most things, there is a flip side to this idea.
When expectations take on a life of their own, it could mean trouble. I've often found this to be the case. Sometimes I have such high expectations for things around me I'm almost definitely setting myself up for an inevitable letdown. And let's face it, I can't control what happens around me. So why do I EXPECT that I can? I subscribe to the notion that everyone will treat me with kindness and respect, I'll get raises and promotions because I work hard, my husband will always want to spend time with me because he loves me so much, my friends will always call me first in a crisis for advice and good things will come to me if I put good things out there. Now at this point, you're probably doing one of two things: 1) nodding your head feverishly in agreement and thinking that is absolutely the way things should work or 2) rolling your eyes so far back into your head they practically disappear. I'm basing a whole lot of my feelings on the way I feel things SHOULD be and how I EXPECT them to be. You can almost see the disappointment awaiting me in the future. Now I also tend to hold myself to sky high expectations. I expect my work to always be right, I expect to know the answers to people's questions, know the right thing to do should a problem arise and I always expect to land anything I pursue.
I think it's easy to see how unreasonable expectations can set you up for disaster. And a lot of people with anxiety tend to have unrealistic expectations... perfectionism is one big one I've noticed. Anxious people want things to always run smoothly, to always be perfect. They want the world to be fair. They want praise from their bosses and kudos from friends. And they bust their butts trying to get it all. I know I did... for a very long time. I would spend hours obsessively beating myself up if I thought I said something stupid at work or incorrect at class. When I went for my yoga certification I was terrified that everyone would judge me because I couldn't touch my toes. I over analyzed every move I made (and every move everyone else made!) and caused myself immense anxiety and pain.
The reality is though... that there is no such thing as perfect. But there is such a thing as expectations being too high, too unrealistic, too unobtainable. The fact is, life is life. You can't control it. You can't predict it... and sometimes that is half the fun. Things aren't always fair and things won't always turn out the way you want them to, but what you can take control of is how you perceive it when things don't go the way you expect them to. Don't beat yourself up if you think you said something stupid because no one else even noticed. Don't get down on yourself for not losing 10 pounds in a week, celebrate the fact that you're working out or that you lost one pound or that you're doing something good for yourself! Don't expect the world... because you might never get it. Instead, try to look at things with no judgement and no expectations and look forward to whatever is thrown your way.
And if you do find yourself caught up in a high expectation... bring yourself back down. And then be proud of yourself for doing so!
I never used to... but after forcing myself to take a deep, down look inside I realized my expectations were sky high... Not that I'm knocking expectations! I think expectations are great. They serve as a helpful reminder to go after your goals or to allow you to gain the respect you know you deserve. They help you strive for things in life. But, as with most things, there is a flip side to this idea.
When expectations take on a life of their own, it could mean trouble. I've often found this to be the case. Sometimes I have such high expectations for things around me I'm almost definitely setting myself up for an inevitable letdown. And let's face it, I can't control what happens around me. So why do I EXPECT that I can? I subscribe to the notion that everyone will treat me with kindness and respect, I'll get raises and promotions because I work hard, my husband will always want to spend time with me because he loves me so much, my friends will always call me first in a crisis for advice and good things will come to me if I put good things out there. Now at this point, you're probably doing one of two things: 1) nodding your head feverishly in agreement and thinking that is absolutely the way things should work or 2) rolling your eyes so far back into your head they practically disappear. I'm basing a whole lot of my feelings on the way I feel things SHOULD be and how I EXPECT them to be. You can almost see the disappointment awaiting me in the future. Now I also tend to hold myself to sky high expectations. I expect my work to always be right, I expect to know the answers to people's questions, know the right thing to do should a problem arise and I always expect to land anything I pursue.
I think it's easy to see how unreasonable expectations can set you up for disaster. And a lot of people with anxiety tend to have unrealistic expectations... perfectionism is one big one I've noticed. Anxious people want things to always run smoothly, to always be perfect. They want the world to be fair. They want praise from their bosses and kudos from friends. And they bust their butts trying to get it all. I know I did... for a very long time. I would spend hours obsessively beating myself up if I thought I said something stupid at work or incorrect at class. When I went for my yoga certification I was terrified that everyone would judge me because I couldn't touch my toes. I over analyzed every move I made (and every move everyone else made!) and caused myself immense anxiety and pain.
The reality is though... that there is no such thing as perfect. But there is such a thing as expectations being too high, too unrealistic, too unobtainable. The fact is, life is life. You can't control it. You can't predict it... and sometimes that is half the fun. Things aren't always fair and things won't always turn out the way you want them to, but what you can take control of is how you perceive it when things don't go the way you expect them to. Don't beat yourself up if you think you said something stupid because no one else even noticed. Don't get down on yourself for not losing 10 pounds in a week, celebrate the fact that you're working out or that you lost one pound or that you're doing something good for yourself! Don't expect the world... because you might never get it. Instead, try to look at things with no judgement and no expectations and look forward to whatever is thrown your way.
And if you do find yourself caught up in a high expectation... bring yourself back down. And then be proud of yourself for doing so!
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
New Year, New Start
With 2009 right around the corner, it's hard not to think about resolutions. It’s an inevitable occurrence that after people scream ‘happy new year’ on that magical night, the very next thing they do is make a resolution. Now I say it’s a magical night because it’s a time when you can start over – and who doesn’t like a fresh start? It’s a time to put grudges aside, regrets behind you and aspirations in front of you. I love New Years Eve, but the one part I don’t love is the resolutions. I always wind up breaking them or becoming less committed after 6 months (if I even last that long!) So this year I’m trying something different. Instead of making a laundry list of things I want to improve about myself, I’m going to jot down goals of mine. I’m not going to spend time focusing on my flaws and making resolutions to ‘fix’ me. I’m going to write down things I want to do because they make me happy. I’m going to write down things that I believe will be fulfilling and help make me a better person. I’m going to write down things I’m scared to do so I at least take one step closer to confronting a fear. I’m going to write down one spontaneous thing that’s outside the box so I don’t fall victim to living in a rut with no surprises. And I’m going to write down something nice that I can do for the people I care most about, because let’s face it, without those people I wouldn’t be where I am today.
So here’s a sneak peak at my 2009 Goals List (which I will pull out of my pocket at 12:01AM on January 1st and commit to):
1) Compete in a 10k
2) Take one trip to another country
3) Make a new friend
4) Strengthen a bond with an old friend and
5) Share my workshops and classes with as many people as I possibly can!
Now this is just the beginning… I could go on and on! But I think it’s a pretty solid start. Make 2009 your year too! Think about your goals and aspirations, think about things you’d love to accomplish or try. Tomorrow is about starting fresh. There’s never a better time than now.
So here’s a sneak peak at my 2009 Goals List (which I will pull out of my pocket at 12:01AM on January 1st and commit to):
1) Compete in a 10k
2) Take one trip to another country
3) Make a new friend
4) Strengthen a bond with an old friend and
5) Share my workshops and classes with as many people as I possibly can!
Now this is just the beginning… I could go on and on! But I think it’s a pretty solid start. Make 2009 your year too! Think about your goals and aspirations, think about things you’d love to accomplish or try. Tomorrow is about starting fresh. There’s never a better time than now.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
HAPPY Holidays
I know holiday time can be a stressful time. Running around from here to there, worrying obsessively about the perfect gift or making the perfect meal, being anxious wondering if you are a good host (or doubting your ability to pull a party together), annual work reviews... the worries are almost limitless - if you let them be!
Stress and this time of year can more often than not go hand in hand, but one thing to remember is that stress doesn't have to launch into mind crippling anxiety. I feel like my to-do list is endless and my responsibilities continue to mount, but I try to take a step back when I get overwhelmed and think of happy things and things I'm grateful for. Because, after all, isn't that what we all really want to think about? So what if I burn the turkey, pour too much dressing on the salad or drop the bread on the floor? I'm still getting to hang out with family and friends, some of which are the coolest people I know. So what if I hit traffic on the way to my in-laws house? It's just more time I get to spend with my hubby singing christmas carols off-key. And who cares if I didn't get everyone the "perfect" gift? (Isn't that what gift receipts are for? I'm kidding!)
Take time during this hectic season to appreciate everything going on. Take a moment to spend time with a family member you don't see very often, allow yourself to become engulfed at dinner table conversation and commit to memories the smiles you see when people open their gifts and know you put a lot of thought into it. Be grateful. It's something we can all do, but rarely take the time for.
Happy holidays to all! Here's to all of you, your journeys and the new year!
Stress and this time of year can more often than not go hand in hand, but one thing to remember is that stress doesn't have to launch into mind crippling anxiety. I feel like my to-do list is endless and my responsibilities continue to mount, but I try to take a step back when I get overwhelmed and think of happy things and things I'm grateful for. Because, after all, isn't that what we all really want to think about? So what if I burn the turkey, pour too much dressing on the salad or drop the bread on the floor? I'm still getting to hang out with family and friends, some of which are the coolest people I know. So what if I hit traffic on the way to my in-laws house? It's just more time I get to spend with my hubby singing christmas carols off-key. And who cares if I didn't get everyone the "perfect" gift? (Isn't that what gift receipts are for? I'm kidding!)
Take time during this hectic season to appreciate everything going on. Take a moment to spend time with a family member you don't see very often, allow yourself to become engulfed at dinner table conversation and commit to memories the smiles you see when people open their gifts and know you put a lot of thought into it. Be grateful. It's something we can all do, but rarely take the time for.
Happy holidays to all! Here's to all of you, your journeys and the new year!
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Seeing Signs
I have seen more signs from the universe in these past few weeks than I’ve probably seen in my entire life. I think this is because, for the first time, I’m open to seeing them. I’ve had some major issues plaguing my mind over the past couple of months and I feel like I have my answers. Or at least a starting point to the answers. This is coming at a rather exciting time because I graduate from yoga teacher training this weekend. I’ve blogged through the entire journey and it’s been nothing short of amazing. I’ve found my calling and my passion in yoga and it’s almost unbelievable how interrelated everything is.
I’ve met some beautiful people through this training and was lucky to meet some unbelievable teachers. I know the things I’ve learned will stay with me forever, but I’m ready to continue my training and fine tune the things I’ve learned. I hope to one day be able to touch someone the way these people and teachers have touched me. I believe they were meant to come into my life and I’m thankful everyday that I had this opportunity.
This blog is dedicated to the 2008 YDC Teacher Training Graduates. I love you all. Thank you for being a part of my journey.Friday, November 21, 2008
Big Thanks to Fido
I feel like I’m finally starting to understand how my brain works. I believe for the longest time we had a very love/hate relationship. Through high school I completely slacked and my brain pretty much enjoyed a four year hiatus. Once I hit college, I came out swinging and totally immersed myself in my studies. My brain, therefore, spent a good chuck of the time hating me. Then I thought we worked out a good compromise when I landed a mind stimulating job… but then, as I progressed within my personal and professional life, anxiety began to plague me almost daily. So I decided to sit down and listen to what my brain, now feeling like I was completely disconnected to it, had to say.
So it turns out, I’ve been bored. I really, truly think that’s what can be traced back to months and months of agonizing anxiety. When I was running steadily (now it’s a pipe dream with my sched and this freezing cold weather!) I was happy. When I’m doing yoga I’m happy. But when I’m in spin class, weight training, or entrenched in a Vinyasa I’m downright elated. I kind of equate this process to when we first brought home our puppy. He was 2 months old and a terror. I cried every time I saw him. I really thought he was brought into my life to drive me over the edge of insanity. These feelings are similar to how I felt in the throes of anxiety. Aggravated, tired, at my wits end…
Then we figured out this four-legged fiend and found that when we walked him extensively and took him to the park and played ball with him, that night (and sometimes even the next day!) was a complete pleasure with him. He snuggled and cuddled and resembled a normal dog – not the out of control, ADD, ball of fur he was for the first 12 hours of the day.
So here’s my analogy - when my pup got exercise and stimulation he was much happier in the end. He was calm and loving and fabulous. When he wasn’t played with, he turned into a ten pound tyrant. So, when I pretty much went into autopilot and checked out of being active within my life, my brain went haywire. It caused massive distress that leaked out in all kinds of “fun” ways. When I’m in a spin class, working out with my trainer, doing challenging yoga poses… I’m in the moment. My body and brain are one for a moment and they are both getting out loads of pent up energy. The end result? A much happier girl. I’ve become somewhat obsessed with my Vinyasa classes. It was one of the first times that for the entire hour and a half I never once peeked at the clock. Boredom is near torture for me and its so relieving to not only know it, but understand it. I’m happiest when running around from work, to gym, to yoga class then coming home and making dinner while simultaneously dusting the house and folding laundry. The word ‘busy’ used to be synonymous with ‘medieval torture device’ for me, but now I know I’m so much better off with lots to do! And this in turn has been CRUCIAL for me in overcoming my anxious episodes.
In conclusion: my dog has brought me closer to understanding how my mind works.
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