Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Where I've Been

A couple of nights ago I stared at my vast collection of books and decided that I wanted to read one. If there's a book I love, I'll read it over and over again. I love to read. And I usually devour most books I get. For some reason, my eyes were drawn to one book in particular that I started reading about a year or so ago and never finished. Being better late than never, I decided that I felt like finishing it. I curled up and opened the book. I noticed I dog-eared a ton of pages and had underlined and starred so many passages that it looked like I had partially written parts along with the author. I was actually surprised at myself that I hadn't finished this book when I started it so many months ago.

As I began to dive into the book, I started to realize why I put it down in the first place. The book is kind of interactive - there are questions in it and places to take notes. It focuses on your life and if taken seriously, forces you to take a good, hard look at yourself. As I sat there reading, a year later, I stared in shock at the scribbled notes I wrote down.

I can't believe how much I've changed. I know I say it a lot, but seeing the actual writing in black ink in that book, really hit home for me. I was so unhappy. I felt unfulfilled with friendships and had a complete lack of interest in my career choices. It wasn't always that way... at some point I was very happy. But then when things started to change, and I started to change, I didn't bother to try to fix things that I wasn't happy with. I just kind of stayed stagnant. I let my feelings fester... and it blew up in my face. I let my fear of change and the unknown stop me from living my life.

Some of the questions in the book ask about personal fulfillment and satisfaction. It talks about goals and motivation (I didn't have either!) and dreams. I had a laundry list of things I wasn't happy about, but didn't have a plan of action to help myself or to change. I read the things I wrote over and over until the words practically blurred. I showed them to my husband. I thought about them that night when I went to sleep. There might be a ton of change going on in my life right now, and sometimes it can get scary or I can be majorly unsure of things, but I wouldn't change "change" for the world. I never want to be that person I once was again.

Now when I need motivation I pick up that same book. I have so many goals and dreams and aspirations I would love to write down, but I need to see those old passages to remind me of my progress. I need to see the "old me" every once and awhile because it makes me proud and keeps me going. I can't imagine being back in that place I used to be. It's funny... the author wrote the book to be inspirational, but nothing she wrote could ever be as inspirational as the things I wrote in that book.