the persuit of perfection can be harmful to your health

i'm not super obsessive about being perfect.  i'm meticulous, yes, but perfect... definitely not.  i used to try a lot.  i used to be very specific about how i wanted things and how i wanted to look and i needed to always have the right answers and solutions to problems.  however, i would be hot in the persuit of perfection for about 10 minutes and then my attention span (which rivals that of a fruit fly) would switch to something new.  so i guess i never became to perfectionistic due to my apparent lack of attention.

i know lots of people that suffer with the "P" word.  and i do mean suffer.  i see how they beat themselves up over a spelling mistake or wrong answer or "messing up a yoga pose."  i see the sadness and frustration when they overwhelm themselves with decisions trying to find the absolute perfect one.  and then once the decision is made, agonizing over whether it was the right choice.  its something i see a lot because it's something that causes a lot of anxiety.  and i see lots of anxiety.

if you're dealing with the dreaded P word and always trying to chase it down, take a minute to remember that it doesn't exist. 

and since its always easier said than done because you can't change your thinking patterns at the snap of your fingers, try some other things too:

* ask yourself why you're seeking perfection. is it to impress a boss, your mother or significant other?  are you afraid of others judging you?  are you feeling insecure about something and trying to overcompensate by trying to be the best at it?

finding the sources of our thoughts or feelings helps us to not only understand them, but begin to change them.

* work out what the absolute worst case scenario would be if you didn't do 'it' perfectly. chances are its not as bad as you think.

employers don't expect you to know everything and you most likely won't get fired for making a mistake. or if you accidently burn the turkey, your whole thanksgiving won't be ruined and people won't starve and if you forget a birthday your friend probably won't disown or berate you - they're a friend!

* realize that the more you obsess over being perfect, the more anxious you'll become. mistakes are human nature and they are important for us to learn from. and most times, perfection goes above and beyond. if we don't reach "perfection" it doesn't mean we got it wrong or messed up. 

when i used to write pitches for a PR company i wracked my brain trying to come up with the PERFECT combination of witty, clever, smart and interesting.  more often than not, my boss had lots of tweaks on it that i revised.  did it mean he hated my pitch or it was completely wrong? no. he usually used most of my writing, maybe just switched a paragraph around or added one more interesting factoid.  just because it wasn't "perfect" didn't mean that my good wasn't good enough.

a world without fear and anxiety

could you imagine?

i was recently asked "what would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?"

and this got me thinking - what would anyone do if they couldn't fail?  or if they had no fear?  or if anxiety didn't exist?

about 2 years ago, as my journey was starting, i made a list in a journal of mine of things i'd do if i had no anxiety.  number one on my list was travel.  i think run a race was on there and chase some dreams.  every now and then i refer back to that list.  i'm happy to say that a lot of those things are now happily crossed off. 

and while it may not always be anxiety that holds us back, sometimes something does (whether fear or concern of not being perfect or getting it right). 

so, if you had no fear, no worry about failure and no anxiety - What Would You Do?

me?
1) go surfing
2) a triatholon
3) move to a whole new place with no safety net of a job or friends or family

for each one the concern is different.  surfing makes me anxious because you're just out in the ocean and can get knocked underwater at any moment and huge waves come at you.

a triatholon is on the list because i think i'm concerned about not being able to finish.  not commiting to training hard enough, bailing half way through or just lagging behind everyone and barely making it to the finish. 

and moving, well, that causes some fear of the unknown. 

this list isn't just what i'd do if life were perfect and stress-free.  this list is now one of goals.  and they are powerful goals because each one isn't just something to cross off, it means i overcame something.  all those things have a double meaning and impact for me. 

on new years i made some intentions for myself and i'm going to add these things! 

so?  what does your list look like?

diamond in the rough

YOGA SUTRA 11.6

false identity occurs when we identify with the tools of perception instead of the true Self

The yoga sutras of Patanjali is the foundational text of yoga.

It succinctly outlines the art and science of traditional Yoga meditation for Self-Realization. It is a process of systematically encountering, examining, and transcending each of the various gross and subtle levels of false identity in the mind field, until the jewel of the true Self comes shining through. (courtesy of swamiji.com)

I love the yoga sutras. I love learning about them and deepening my understanding, so I was super excited to come across sutra 11.6 in my latest copy of yoga journal. I wanted to share it with you because I think we could all use a reminder of this one every once and awhile!

What sutra 11.6 means is that we grow our ego when we mistake the mind or body or outside influences and emotions for our true Self. We get caught up identifying ourselves by our looks, job status, financial security, houses, friends, cars, etc. and that's not who we are. Our bodies are borrowed ones and our true, authentic Self goes so much deeper then where we are willing to look.

But here's why I heart yoga - one of the key principles is that we are perfect the way we are. Let me repeat - PERFECT THE WAY WE ARE.

Yoga Journal goes on the explain our practice as a cleaning process. Through our yoga we polish the gem of the authentic Self that is inside us it can shine as it's meant to and we're meant to:

by living fully in the present moment and knowing that what we hold inside of ourselves far surpasses anything the material world can offer us


image: Oantann

Expectation Creation

Do you consider yourself a person with high expectations?

I never used to... but after forcing myself to take a deep, down look inside I realized my expectations were sky high... Not that I'm knocking expectations! I think expectations are great. They serve as a helpful reminder to go after your goals or to allow you to gain the respect you know you deserve. They help you strive for things in life. But, as with most things, there is a flip side to this idea.

When expectations take on a life of their own, it could mean trouble. I've often found this to be the case. Sometimes I have such high expectations for things around me I'm almost definitely setting myself up for an inevitable letdown. And let's face it, I can't control what happens around me. So why do I EXPECT that I can? I subscribe to the notion that everyone will treat me with kindness and respect, I'll get raises and promotions because I work hard, my husband will always want to spend time with me because he loves me so much, my friends will always call me first in a crisis for advice and good things will come to me if I put good things out there. Now at this point, you're probably doing one of two things: 1) nodding your head feverishly in agreement and thinking that is absolutely the way things should work or 2) rolling your eyes so far back into your head they practically disappear. I'm basing a whole lot of my feelings on the way I feel things SHOULD be and how I EXPECT them to be. You can almost see the disappointment awaiting me in the future. Now I also tend to hold myself to sky high expectations. I expect my work to always be right, I expect to know the answers to people's questions, know the right thing to do should a problem arise and I always expect to land anything I pursue.

I think it's easy to see how unreasonable expectations can set you up for disaster. And a lot of people with anxiety tend to have unrealistic expectations... perfectionism is one big one I've noticed. Anxious people want things to always run smoothly, to always be perfect. They want the world to be fair. They want praise from their bosses and kudos from friends. And they bust their butts trying to get it all. I know I did... for a very long time. I would spend hours obsessively beating myself up if I thought I said something stupid at work or incorrect at class. When I went for my yoga certification I was terrified that everyone would judge me because I couldn't touch my toes. I over analyzed every move I made (and every move everyone else made!) and caused myself immense anxiety and pain.

The reality is though... that there is no such thing as perfect. But there is such a thing as expectations being too high, too unrealistic, too unobtainable. The fact is, life is life. You can't control it. You can't predict it... and sometimes that is half the fun. Things aren't always fair and things won't always turn out the way you want them to, but what you can take control of is how you perceive it when things don't go the way you expect them to. Don't beat yourself up if you think you said something stupid because no one else even noticed. Don't get down on yourself for not losing 10 pounds in a week, celebrate the fact that you're working out or that you lost one pound or that you're doing something good for yourself! Don't expect the world... because you might never get it. Instead, try to look at things with no judgement and no expectations and look forward to whatever is thrown your way.

And if you do find yourself caught up in a high expectation... bring yourself back down. And then be proud of yourself for doing so!

(Still) Learning from My Mistakes

I hate making mistakes. And I hate being rushed. Perhaps I dislike these two things so much because I feel they go hand in hand. When I’m rushed, I make mistakes. When I make a mistake, I rush to fix it. This is a frustrating way to be. It’s directly tied to my obsession with perfection. My house has to be perfect at all times (I’ve been known to kick hubby out of bed and onto the couch if he wants to sleep late because I need to make the bed before I leave the house). My clothes have to match, my desk has to be neat, I have to be in perfect control at all times. This constant striving for perfection is exhausting and in no way helpful to me. It has me in a constant state of panic that I could make a mistake. And mistakes aren’t perfect. So therefore (and here I’m using those mathematical logic skills) if I make a mistake, I’m not perfect. Gasp!

Most people with anxiety are perfectionists. They are afraid of making mistakes, being (or seeming) out of control and failing. But when you really think about it, how can you live a life free from these things? There are always going to be times when I can’t be in control and it can be as simple as having a friend pick me up when we go out for coffee. I no longer have control. I’ve overcome my fear of failure because I’ve practiced the mantra “the only failure is not trying” until my mind accepted this as a truth, but many other people in the throes of anxiety have not. And mistakes…oh mistakes… how you stress people out! But think of all the things you have learned thru making mistakes. And your concern about mistakes means you care. If you didn’t care about things, you wouldn’t care if you messed up. Mistakes are just that… little accidents that are a necessary evil (and I don’t even really like to use the word evil, but you get the point!). Try to take the pressure off of yourself for a little while and let yourself learn from the experience. I know I still have a lot to work on in terms of my views on perfection… but just acknowledging that I have work to do is the first (and most important!) step.

Losing My Perfection

To get the full effect of the title of this blog, say it to REM's "Losing My Religion" tune...

I learned something pretty crucial at yoga today. There is NO PERFECT WAY to do it. I'll say that again... NO PERFECT WAY to pose, breathe, be.... everybody is different and needs to be treated as such. Treating yoga poses as if they were pills (kind of like a one size fits all mantra that they use with medicine) not only defeats the purpose of yoga, but could also cause serious bodily harm. Now as someone who doesn't understand the concept of trial and error (I come more from the school of thought that if you can't do it perfectly, then don't) this is a hard idea to grasp. See I'm doing yoga to help alleviate stress and anxiety yet the thought of doing a pose "wrong" or "not as well as the person next to me" caused me immense stress. The irony is not lost on me.