Saturday, August 8, 2009

morning, noon or night

i tend to have anxious episodes in the morning. i'm not really sure why this is a peak time for me, but when anxiety rears its ugly head, it is more often than not in the morning. this morning was one of those mornings. i had been excited to teach all week (busily creating playlists and new flows) and when my eyes opened a little after 4am i found myself riddled with anxiety. i eventually fell back asleep and awoke with my alarm clock feeling a bit better. i shook it off and went about my morning routine and about 45 minutes before i was supposed to leave for class i got very ill. my anxiety knotted up my stomach so badly and so fiercely it actually shocked me. there was nothing to be nervous about! i was excited about teaching. i began my breathing, knowing that once i got to class i'd be fine because i'd lose myself in the moment and pleasure of teaching and all would be well. but i had to get there first!

needless to say, i did make it to class because even though the anxious feelings nagged me, they didn't stop me. big difference from a year and a half ago. but it still bothered me that i had the anxious feelings in the first place. after coming home and dissecting the morning activities i think i know what may have caused the anxiety and stomachache.

1) my husband was going on a road trip

2) i ate a boat load of pizza last night

ok, so #1 doesn't really seem relevant to me, but it is. road trips were triggers for me. i despised the car. i hated long car rides. it caused me IMMENSE stress and many times i made myself SO sick i couldn't even get in the car. maybe just the thought of him traveling in the car, even though i was personally far removed from the situation, caused me to stress without realizing it. if i don't sense it or catch it, it escalates. perhaps this triggered something in me that was very unexpected. it's funny how these triggers work!

and #2... well, that's self explanatory. I hardly ever eat junk food and this is due in large part to how it makes me feel the next day - which is totally crummy! but i threw caution to the wind last night and inhaled some eggplant pizza. i won't lie, it was amazingly delicious. but feeling so sick i was near tears this morning made it so not worth it. and another thought flashed in my mind.... i cannot eat like this in europe or i will ruin my experience and my husband's trip. every once and awhile i enjoy indulging in 'bad for you' food but i do it so infrequently that once i do my body totally rejects it and i'm made to pay the price. and this leaves me thinking... is food really worth it? i'm self inducing anxious feelings and stomachaches for the experience of eating pizza (or any junk food!) and it serves me no purpose other than shallow satisfaction.

chalk it up to --more-- lessons learned. i may not always enjoy every minute of my journey, but i can sure learn from everything i encounter on my way.

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