another celebration weekend down!

i don't know about you - but my summer 2010 is INSANE!  between weddings, showers, parties, family functions, birthdays and graduations i've been quite the busy chick.  and for those that live with anxiety, celebrations -while a happy occasion- can definitely bring on the stress!  so this weekend, a friend of mine had a joint bachelor/ette party in atlantic city. this absolutely brought out the stress for me.  it put me face to face with old school stressors - long car rides, traffic, food, big crowds of people, no room of our own of place to go if i got sick... all my triggers coming out to play, and yet i never contemplated not going 

so yeah, the days leading up to this event i was nervous, but i practiced everything that makes me feel better and made sure to set myself up for success.

here's some things i did to help ease any potential stress:

1) i told my friend how i was feeling. i was extremely open that these things used to cause me to run away screaming, but i was still gonna go and just kinda play it by ear. i explained everything that caused me to get anxious to her and felt better knowing that it was out there and if i was indeed anxious, she'd already be aware of what was going on and everything would be cool. i wouldn't have to push through it and fake it. took a ton of weight off my shoulders!

2) did yoga, exercised and ate clean the week before to make sure i was physically feeling great. avoided food i know would sit heavy, cause stomach pain or jitters.

3) made fun playlists to get me in 'roadtrip' mode

4) asked my husband to be my support. i told him i may need time to vent, or talk it out, until i got the stress outta my system.  he totally understood and was always there to lend an ear if i had a concern, or just wanted to logically talk myself out of a fear or negative thought.

In a nutshell, we sat in HOURS of traffic, i was faced with food options i didn't choose and i was thrown some other curveballs - but i never panicked. no worry. no fear. no "oh my god i feel sick moments." no stomach aches or pains. nothing. i was totally cool with everything handed my way.

and you know what?  it felt good. 

hear me roar!

  

and yes, i was a little anxious.  i'll always have things that'll make me anxious.  but i faced the challenge head on, did everything i could within my power to set me up for success and let go of trying to control the situation. this is what my friend chose, and i was going to be there.  and it felt amazing to feel so strong doing something that used to cripple me with fear. 

i wanted to share this with you guys, because its important to use these milestones to keep in mind how far we come.  and even if you're not at the point yet where you feel you can completely conquer your fear and anxiety, you can always make small steps of success. 

and i live by my husband's MO of "enjoy the little things" 

so enjoy any milestone you have!  let's keep celebrating them together!


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face it or fear it?

i believe i fit into that group of people that is expertly skilled at finding ways to avoid doing what you fear. i spent a huge amount of time crafting endless reasons and excuses as to why i couldn't do this or why i couldn't go there. if i felt anxious at the thought of it... i definitely wasn't going to do it! i would do anything to avoid a panic attack and the exhaustion that followed an anxious episode. i was a master at it.

however, as times began to change and i began to get a hold of my anxiety i began to slowly face my fears. little by little i would step out of my comfort zone and test my ability to remain calm and in control of my emotions and feelings when i felt scared or unsure of something. of course it helped that i had opened up to people about what i was dealing with, so i was vocal about how i felt each time i took a leap into the unknown. and the unknown ranged from going to the movies to taking a road trip.... anything that was a potential trigger for me.

recently i was given the opportunity to face a situation or fear it. i was offered some very early morning classes to teach a couple of times a week. now for me, the early morning is a very anxious time. its subsided to almost non-existent, but every now and then i'll have those anxious feelings if i'm up early to do something. when the opportunity came up for the classes, i expressed my concern with my husband. "should i, shouldn't i?" came up so many times it made my head spin. but i ultimately decided to take them because i didn't want to make a decision with my anxiety fueling the choice. so i faced it. i took 'em on! and i love them!

there have definitely been a few bumps in the road. remember that stomach virus i mentioned? well it hit me early in the morning as i was getting ready for that class. i was sick as a dog with something that reminded me of my worst anxious episodes and i truly felt like crying. i thought i made a horribly wrong decision because at the time i didn't know it was a virus... my mind automatically thought it was anxiety. i guess its easy to fall into old patterns. but the important thing is that i recognized it for what it was, i STILL went to the class and i didn't give up on myself. i thought of this again today as i headed to the class without a stitch of concern of anxiety. i felt awesome! i had a great class! i felt so strong i thought i could jump over buildings! that's how powerful being anxiety-free is! so needless to say, i'm sticking with this. i am facing this head on. and i know there will be times when i feel less than amazing in the morning, but it'll all be ok. and the more i face my fears, the stronger i'll become.

we know i'm a big believer in the fact that we'll always have times when we feel anxious. it's an emotion. we can't relieve the feeling of anxiety any more than we can relieve the feeling of happiness or sadness. but what i believe strongly is that we can heal from anxiety being debilitating or life altering. when i went into the city to the museum of modern art over this past weekend (to see an AWESOME tim burton exhibit!) i chatted with my husband about how far i continue to come. i never used to feel comfy during car trips and if i HAD to do one, i insisted on driving so that i was in control. i wouldn't eat or drink so that i could avoid any potential stomach/nausea issues. but here i was, on a 45 min car drive, as a passenger and we went to the museum and grabbed lunch to boot! and i was feeling fine!

so the eternal question.... to face it or fear it? if you know your triggers its important to begin exposing yourself to them little by little so you know you'll be ok. however, i do think that its crucial to have relaxation and calming behaviors you can call on (and that you know will work!) before facing the fears. because if you don't have those tools or understanding... you can't really ease the anxiety you'll be facing. so commit to stress busters that work for you and go out and start facing your fears! one step at a time!

morning, noon or night

i tend to have anxious episodes in the morning. i'm not really sure why this is a peak time for me, but when anxiety rears its ugly head, it is more often than not in the morning. this morning was one of those mornings. i had been excited to teach all week (busily creating playlists and new flows) and when my eyes opened a little after 4am i found myself riddled with anxiety. i eventually fell back asleep and awoke with my alarm clock feeling a bit better. i shook it off and went about my morning routine and about 45 minutes before i was supposed to leave for class i got very ill. my anxiety knotted up my stomach so badly and so fiercely it actually shocked me. there was nothing to be nervous about! i was excited about teaching. i began my breathing, knowing that once i got to class i'd be fine because i'd lose myself in the moment and pleasure of teaching and all would be well. but i had to get there first!

needless to say, i did make it to class because even though the anxious feelings nagged me, they didn't stop me. big difference from a year and a half ago. but it still bothered me that i had the anxious feelings in the first place. after coming home and dissecting the morning activities i think i know what may have caused the anxiety and stomachache.

1) my husband was going on a road trip

2) i ate a boat load of pizza last night

ok, so #1 doesn't really seem relevant to me, but it is. road trips were triggers for me. i despised the car. i hated long car rides. it caused me IMMENSE stress and many times i made myself SO sick i couldn't even get in the car. maybe just the thought of him traveling in the car, even though i was personally far removed from the situation, caused me to stress without realizing it. if i don't sense it or catch it, it escalates. perhaps this triggered something in me that was very unexpected. it's funny how these triggers work!

and #2... well, that's self explanatory. I hardly ever eat junk food and this is due in large part to how it makes me feel the next day - which is totally crummy! but i threw caution to the wind last night and inhaled some eggplant pizza. i won't lie, it was amazingly delicious. but feeling so sick i was near tears this morning made it so not worth it. and another thought flashed in my mind.... i cannot eat like this in europe or i will ruin my experience and my husband's trip. every once and awhile i enjoy indulging in 'bad for you' food but i do it so infrequently that once i do my body totally rejects it and i'm made to pay the price. and this leaves me thinking... is food really worth it? i'm self inducing anxious feelings and stomachaches for the experience of eating pizza (or any junk food!) and it serves me no purpose other than shallow satisfaction.

chalk it up to --more-- lessons learned. i may not always enjoy every minute of my journey, but i can sure learn from everything i encounter on my way.