happy weekend!

the weekend is here, the weekend is here!  granted it's only 7am, but how has your day been so far?  i have a feeling mine is going to be busy!

last night i had so much fun at yoga.  my first class on friday evenings is a teen class which is cool because i love to see yoga trickling into younger generations.  and how helpful would yoga have been if we ALL had it in high school, right?  i missed the boat on that one, but thankfully climbed on board soon after college.  the girls are great and we always have a good time.  my second class had a tiny turn out - 1! - because it was so beautiful out and its hard to make your way to the gym or yoga studio on gorgeous nights, so my student and i did a special rockin' yoga class that made us sweat our little hearts out. bliss.   i love sweat sesh's and yoga sesh's so combine 'em and i'm in heaven.  needless to say i slept like a baby last night after that energy release.

so hubby and i leave tomorrow for our little jaunt out east and we're super psyched.  its the perfect amount of time to kind of chill and regroup after some craziness.  we're taking our little puggle... so it's our first family trip! ha! 

something particularly cool about this trip - it's a road trip!  those words used to strike fear into my heart like no one's business!  long car ride?  yikes!  but now it just brings happiness and excitement.  i'm making a stellar playlist for the ride and picking up lots of snacks and drinks for us the cart with us because i never know what kind of food we'll find while we're away so i try to be as prepared as possible.  i'm planning on getting in some quality cardio with early morning jogs, yoga in the backyard and lots of walking. 

what do you have planned for this weekend?  hoping it's something fun!

and just to make sure the road trip stays as something fun, i'm going to indulge in lots of restorative and deep stretching yoga tonight to put me in a great mindset for the trip!  can't wait! 

face it or fear it?

i believe i fit into that group of people that is expertly skilled at finding ways to avoid doing what you fear. i spent a huge amount of time crafting endless reasons and excuses as to why i couldn't do this or why i couldn't go there. if i felt anxious at the thought of it... i definitely wasn't going to do it! i would do anything to avoid a panic attack and the exhaustion that followed an anxious episode. i was a master at it.

however, as times began to change and i began to get a hold of my anxiety i began to slowly face my fears. little by little i would step out of my comfort zone and test my ability to remain calm and in control of my emotions and feelings when i felt scared or unsure of something. of course it helped that i had opened up to people about what i was dealing with, so i was vocal about how i felt each time i took a leap into the unknown. and the unknown ranged from going to the movies to taking a road trip.... anything that was a potential trigger for me.

recently i was given the opportunity to face a situation or fear it. i was offered some very early morning classes to teach a couple of times a week. now for me, the early morning is a very anxious time. its subsided to almost non-existent, but every now and then i'll have those anxious feelings if i'm up early to do something. when the opportunity came up for the classes, i expressed my concern with my husband. "should i, shouldn't i?" came up so many times it made my head spin. but i ultimately decided to take them because i didn't want to make a decision with my anxiety fueling the choice. so i faced it. i took 'em on! and i love them!

there have definitely been a few bumps in the road. remember that stomach virus i mentioned? well it hit me early in the morning as i was getting ready for that class. i was sick as a dog with something that reminded me of my worst anxious episodes and i truly felt like crying. i thought i made a horribly wrong decision because at the time i didn't know it was a virus... my mind automatically thought it was anxiety. i guess its easy to fall into old patterns. but the important thing is that i recognized it for what it was, i STILL went to the class and i didn't give up on myself. i thought of this again today as i headed to the class without a stitch of concern of anxiety. i felt awesome! i had a great class! i felt so strong i thought i could jump over buildings! that's how powerful being anxiety-free is! so needless to say, i'm sticking with this. i am facing this head on. and i know there will be times when i feel less than amazing in the morning, but it'll all be ok. and the more i face my fears, the stronger i'll become.

we know i'm a big believer in the fact that we'll always have times when we feel anxious. it's an emotion. we can't relieve the feeling of anxiety any more than we can relieve the feeling of happiness or sadness. but what i believe strongly is that we can heal from anxiety being debilitating or life altering. when i went into the city to the museum of modern art over this past weekend (to see an AWESOME tim burton exhibit!) i chatted with my husband about how far i continue to come. i never used to feel comfy during car trips and if i HAD to do one, i insisted on driving so that i was in control. i wouldn't eat or drink so that i could avoid any potential stomach/nausea issues. but here i was, on a 45 min car drive, as a passenger and we went to the museum and grabbed lunch to boot! and i was feeling fine!

so the eternal question.... to face it or fear it? if you know your triggers its important to begin exposing yourself to them little by little so you know you'll be ok. however, i do think that its crucial to have relaxation and calming behaviors you can call on (and that you know will work!) before facing the fears. because if you don't have those tools or understanding... you can't really ease the anxiety you'll be facing. so commit to stress busters that work for you and go out and start facing your fears! one step at a time!

morning, noon or night

i tend to have anxious episodes in the morning. i'm not really sure why this is a peak time for me, but when anxiety rears its ugly head, it is more often than not in the morning. this morning was one of those mornings. i had been excited to teach all week (busily creating playlists and new flows) and when my eyes opened a little after 4am i found myself riddled with anxiety. i eventually fell back asleep and awoke with my alarm clock feeling a bit better. i shook it off and went about my morning routine and about 45 minutes before i was supposed to leave for class i got very ill. my anxiety knotted up my stomach so badly and so fiercely it actually shocked me. there was nothing to be nervous about! i was excited about teaching. i began my breathing, knowing that once i got to class i'd be fine because i'd lose myself in the moment and pleasure of teaching and all would be well. but i had to get there first!

needless to say, i did make it to class because even though the anxious feelings nagged me, they didn't stop me. big difference from a year and a half ago. but it still bothered me that i had the anxious feelings in the first place. after coming home and dissecting the morning activities i think i know what may have caused the anxiety and stomachache.

1) my husband was going on a road trip

2) i ate a boat load of pizza last night

ok, so #1 doesn't really seem relevant to me, but it is. road trips were triggers for me. i despised the car. i hated long car rides. it caused me IMMENSE stress and many times i made myself SO sick i couldn't even get in the car. maybe just the thought of him traveling in the car, even though i was personally far removed from the situation, caused me to stress without realizing it. if i don't sense it or catch it, it escalates. perhaps this triggered something in me that was very unexpected. it's funny how these triggers work!

and #2... well, that's self explanatory. I hardly ever eat junk food and this is due in large part to how it makes me feel the next day - which is totally crummy! but i threw caution to the wind last night and inhaled some eggplant pizza. i won't lie, it was amazingly delicious. but feeling so sick i was near tears this morning made it so not worth it. and another thought flashed in my mind.... i cannot eat like this in europe or i will ruin my experience and my husband's trip. every once and awhile i enjoy indulging in 'bad for you' food but i do it so infrequently that once i do my body totally rejects it and i'm made to pay the price. and this leaves me thinking... is food really worth it? i'm self inducing anxious feelings and stomachaches for the experience of eating pizza (or any junk food!) and it serves me no purpose other than shallow satisfaction.

chalk it up to --more-- lessons learned. i may not always enjoy every minute of my journey, but i can sure learn from everything i encounter on my way.