coping

i'm currently avoiding the task of getting ready to head into new jersey tonight for my uncle's wake. i almost feel like if i don't get ready than none of this is real. it's hard to find comfort in family because they are all suffering and coping as much as i am. i feel my energy is massively displaced, i've pretty much dive-bombed off the running wagon and my mat has remained curled up in the back of my car for days (only seeing the light of day when i unroll it to teach a class). after being couch-bound all weekend with a nasty cold and sore throat i felt unable to muster the strength to do anything after hearing of my uncle's passing so i've pretty much been sidelined for almost a straight week. i'm not feeling like myself. i don't even think i am myself. i'm keeping a stiff upper lip and playing the "rock" card during this time for those that need me to, but i'm slowly crumbling and don't think my brave face will hold up tonight.

these are the times when anxiety finds ways to creep up on us. our defenses are down and we're anywhere BUT in the present moment (the present moment often feels to painful). so i've found other ways to redirect my energy and attention until my brain fully wraps around recent events... i did some soul searching.

great loss (whether it be death, a break up, job-related or a busted friendship) can sometimes guide you into a deeper sense of who you are. struggles can lead to triumphs and sadness can bring closure. we tend to always want to avoid pain and suffering at any cost. i see this a lot in my classes. students struggle and twist and squirm when they find themselves in an uncomfortable pose and i always try to offer a nod to acknowledge their discomfort but also try to remind them that it's ok to just sit with it. it's ok to just be with it. i've spent a lot of time and energy in totally zoning out and i rarely have been talking about how i feel. but tonight i'm going to be face to face with the reality of it and i need to be ok with it.

if i need to cry, then i'll cry. if i need a hug, i'll ask for one. when i see my family hurting, i'll go to them. and when it's time to say good bye, i will. i can't 'check out' because i'm afraid of my feelings and afraid to let go. it's not about me.

i'm giving myself one more half hour and then i'm getting off the couch, out of my pajamas (which i've pretty much been living in lately) and getting ready to face this day. i won't break down, but i'll be sad. and i'll sit with it. and it'll be ok. we'll all be ok. but we'll never make it thru this if we spend more time fighting how we feel than finding solace in healing from it.

soul searching

a death in my family has left me feeling a little lost and semi-detached. a nasty cold has left me sidelined on the couch for the past couple of days and the lack of physical movement and exertion is causing me to be increasingly agitated listless.

i promised myself that when i returned from my trip that i would re-dedicate myself to my goals and aspirations and spice up my journey a bit (september seems to cause that stir in me), however recent happenings have squashed my intentions. i'm finding myself craving some serious soul searching and introspection and while i usually relish in this progress of self-discovery, for some reason i'm finding the task daunting.

i recently read a quote on a FB friend's profile that went something like this:

constantly thinking about who you want to be is a waste of the person you already are

this struck a nerve with me. i believe that my path absolutely lead me to yoga and i feel more fulfilled than ever teaching and working with those suffering with anxiety... however, there are still some personal things i would like to accomplish just for me. something seperate from work and relationships and home. all of that is fabulous. i'm not doing everything i want to be doing and yet i constantly find myself daydreaming of all the things i'd like to do, yet i'm not doing. and this recent loss of life has me looking deep inside for comfort and also for answers.

rip