slow and steady works for me

i was super excited to see a friend a hadn't seen in months this past weekend.  she's a killer hostest and always welcomes my pup (aka the 4-legged love of my life) over with me.  she's one of those people i can tell anything to and, like it or not, i'm gonna get back brutal honesty.  she's known about my struggles with anxiety since way back when and has always been a supportive structure in my life. so since we hadn't connected in awhile, we had much catching up to do and something she was very interested in was seeing how i was doing with my anxiety.

i lit up and told her i'd been panic attack free for almost 2 years, symptom free (pounding heart, shortness of breath, blurred vision, etc) and i was officially living it up in ways i was previously scared to (two amazing trips booked for the fall!).  she was impressed and proud and asked me "so you never even feel anxious anymore?"  -insert sound of screeching brakes-

i responded that i absolutely still get anxious, its an emotion. i can't turn it off any more than i could turn off happiness or sadness.  what i did turn off is the crippling fear from it. yeah, i get anxious, but it no longer holds me back or escalates into life altering fear.  and you guys know how i always share that i still sometimes get anxious in the mornings?  well, i've never quit my early classes or turned down early sessions with clients due to the chance i could feel anxious. i used to RUN from whatever caused me even a hint of anxiety. she looked at my quizzically and said "so you're pretty much in the same place you always were with this."

um NO

definitely not

it took me close to 10 years to develop that level of anxiety, the panic attacks, the loop of negative thoughts, the fear, the insecurity....

my healing journey is not one that happens at the flip of a switch!  no one's journey is.  we can't change overnight... at least, not a lasting change. it takes time to learn what works for us, what helps us alleviate our anxiety, for us to practice overcoming things that scare us, talking and sharing our experiences, learning to meditate or change negative thoughts to positive... oh my gosh!  there's no way this happens overnight.

and this got me thinking.. how many people doubt their journey if it doesn't happen in the blink of an eye? how many people give up because they feel they'll "never get it."  it took me almost a month before i could work through a panic attack and ward it off and many more months to stop being scared that one could "happen at any moment." we get used to thinking a certain way and dreading certain things, so we have to restructure our entire thought processes and perceptions.  and we're not used to doing it.  it shocked me that my friend interpreted slow and steady progress, for no progress.

so don't get frustrated if your journey is slower than you'd like it to be or different from someone else's.  you are working on making positive, powerful and lasting changes in your life! please stick with it!  find your outlets, track negative thoughts, practice positive ones and know that each step along the way is one to be celebrated!  and above all else, don't let someone else's perceptions of your journey alter your own perceptions. 

testing 1, 2, 3

i was tested yesterday.  and it was unlike any pop quiz or final exam i've ever taken.  it was harder.  it was one i couldn't prep for.  and it was one i had to face.  and it made me very anxious.

my dinner friday night didn't sit too well with me and i woke up with horrible stomach pains and felt terrible.  enter: panic thoughts.  anytime my stomach shows the slightest bit of queasiness, i head for the hills (i.e. my bed).  i hate stomach aches more than anything else because it always puts me right back into panic mode remembering how i used to suffer with them daily and cause myself to get so upset i'd have a panic attack.

and when that's what we're used to, it's easy to fall victim to that train of thought. 

so even now, two years later (completely panic attack free!), i still remember that feeling.  i remember the fear of having to drive to work and sit at my desk all day feeling ill.  i remember pushing myself through my days and hoping to just make it through hour by hour.  and i remember being scared to death about having a panic attack in front of co-workers or my boss or while driving home... i still shudder just thinking about it.

so yesterday i was definitely tested.  i was legitimately sick, but it still made me wonder if it was just anxiety.  it was hard to de-tach the idea of being sick without the anxiety making me sick.  i took a stomach soother and drank some water and began to feel a little better.  what made me extra nervous though was that my day was jam packed.  literally, from beginning to end.  and i was already up at 5:30am feeling gross. 

how was i going to get through this day?  thoughts of cancelling everything crossed my mind.  but i didn't want to bail on my classes.  i had a lunch date with a girlfriend i had been looking forward to for days and i had some mini-errands that absolutely had to get done before heading out to another friend's apartment much later that night.  eek!  i was positively pale at the thought of it all. because when you feel sick or anxious, the last thing you wanna do is go out all day, right?  but i knew i had to do it.  and i wanted to.  i was sick.  and that was it.  and i was determined to take it one thing at a time and see how i felt.  i immediately realized my mind was racing 100 miles an hour, all with bad thoughts about getting sick in front of my class, or bailing last minute on my friend, or being miserable at my friend's place....

so i put up a big 'ol STOP SIGN on those thoughts.  and i powered through my day. 

and i had no problems. 

yes, i was a little icky feeling, but was it the monumental crisis i made it out to be? no.
did i realize immediately that my mind was going crazy with "what ifs?" yes.
and did i take every measure to stop it and refuse to give in to an anxious feeling? hell yes!

so i'm glad to say i passed my test.  i did every single thing i wanted to yesterday and put the "scary thoughts" way behind me.  i'm feeling sooo much better today and i knew i would, because it's a new day and i can choose how to face it.  and if i still felt kind of sick, then i'd cross that bridge when i got to it.  i wasn't going to do what i used to do way back when and pre-cancel everything because there was a mere chance i wouldn't be feeling well. 

i can face blood, guts and gore... but a stomach ache is my kryptonite - and i beat it!

we'll always be tested and we'll always face things we don't want to, but we have to know we can do it!  even if it is a little scary.  we are stronger than we think!!

I can, I get to, I like to...

now here are words we don't hear (or say!) very often.

i can, i get to, i like to...

yesterday i read a blog dedicated to these words and i can't stop thinking about it. when anxious it's easy to surround ourselves with the "i can'ts, i shouldn'ts, i don't want to's." how often though do we really stop and think about the opposite?

two days ago i hurt my knee. nothing serious, but enough to cause a little hobble and quite a few stares. my hubby seized the opportunity to tell me that maybe i should lay off some of my workouts because between the race training and all the spin classes (packed in so i can finish my certification) i'm OD'ing a bit on the heavy cardio. however, the mere thought of stopping my training (over a knee that was a tad sore) or holding back on my certification nearly drove me to tears. i enjoy this. it's stress relief. it's fun for me. so i promised to stick to some rest and be a good patient. by the next morning my knee was feeling much better and yesterday i returned to spin feeling great. and by the time we hit that first 'big hill' and piled on the resistance instead of feeling self defeating and telling myself how hard this was or how intensely my legs were burning, i thought to myself i'm so lucky my knee is better and i can rock this hill!

something as simple as a sore knee really changed my whole mindset. and this brings me back to the blog i mentioned. something happened to this blogger that changed her whole attitude towards things. every time she did something, no matter how mundane it seemed, she felt lucky to be able to do it. how awesome to get a dose of that every now and then!

so rather than waiting for something to happen that changes our mindset, let's create the change on our own! what are some things you can't wait to do, that you get to do or that you can do?

I CAN:

*run my 5k

*take any spin class i want

*walk my dog (even though it may be pouring rain!)

I GET TO:

*come home every day to an apartment i love even though it may not be perfect or a mansion

*look forward to time with friends and family

I LIKE TO:

*try new workouts and test my physical limits

*work towards improving my yoga practice but can be content with where i am each step of the way

*try new recipes even if i'm not the best cook

there are so many more to add to the list. and whether it be something life-changing or anxiety that keeps the negative thoughts swirling, you always have the power to change them. if you feel frustrated or closed off because of anxiety, start thinking and believing that you have the ability to change it! working through my anxiety brought me so much closer to the person i wanted to be so i always look at it as a blessing in disguise. anxiety gave me the push to work hard and create change and encourage growth... because if i didn't i would've sat back and watched my life slip away.

Thoughts on Thoughts

Ever notice how sometimes our thoughts can make a crummy situation even more miserable? I had no idea how powerful my thoughts were until I was forced to face them. My thoughts could turn normal stress into a full blown panic attack and make me truly believe that if I left my house or attempted to step outside of my comfort zone something horrific would happen. And even though deep down I knew better, my thoughts called the shots.

There's nothing worse than feeling the first pangs of stress and anxiety. I used to feel it in the pit of my stomach. Then my entire chest would sieze up and my fingers and toes would get ice cold and ultimately become numb. Then, as if watching a movie in slow motion, I could mentally predict each thing that would happen to me as I began to launch into a panic attack. And at times, I felt there was nothing I could do about it but freak out. Initial thoughts went something like this...

OMG, I'm going to lose it and EVERYONE is going to see me have a panic attack!

Oh no, I'm going to get sick, I just know it. I'm going to get sick in front of everyone!

I gotta get outta here RIGHT NOW! I can't let anyone see this happen to me... they'll think I'm crazy!

It took me a long, long time to learn to ride it out and work on not letting my thoughts get the best of me. And like I've said many times before, anxiety never goes away... what does change is our ability to cope with it. So armed with my "anti-anxiety tool belt" (which included knowledge on breathing, stress relieving yoga poses and the confidence in positive thoughts) now I just ride anxiety out. I've been panic attack free for awhile (knock on wood) but I still get feelings of anxiousness. Instead of perpetuating it through scary thoughts and doubt, I talk myself through it and actually try to just sit with it... weird at first, but pretty cool once you get the hang of it. I go through my entire body and notice what it's feeling and how my thoughts impact what I feel. I stay connected to myself and in the moment.

Have you ever taken time to sit through an anxious episode or crappy experience? Where you ever able to change the situation and feelings by utilizing your thoughts?